To be annoyed at MIL

[Lolasyms]

Bit of back story - My OH has a really toxic relationship with alcohol, he doesn’t drink often but when he does, he drinks until he can barely stand and shows no consideration for anyone else. We have been really struggling with our relationship and I have made it clear that unless things change we will be separating as I’ve been desperately unhappy. MIL knows this.

This year we spent Christmas with OH’s family, we travelled over an hour Christmas morning to spend the day with them and the plan was to visit some of my family and some friends Boxing Day. Christmas Day was lovely, the children (4 and 10) enjoyed themselves and everyone seemed to have a good time. That evening I went to bed around 11ish. My OH stayed up drinking with his mum, they were so loud and played music/sang at full volume. I knew that if I tried to get my OH to bed it would annoy him so I just left him, but did text a few times saying they were being very loud. That night I didn’t get any sleep. I went downstairs at 7am and they were still drinking/playing music, my children were waking so I told them they needed to go to bed because it wasn’t fair on them to witness this. The two of them could barely stand/talk. They began arguing and physically fighting. Eventually they went to bed and I took the children to my family for a few hours. I spent the day exhausted and sad that our plans for the day had been ruined. I drove home that afternoon, with the window wide open as I’ve never been that exhausted.

When we got back I told OH I was done, this was the cherry on top and I was done. He apologised profusely, said he would get help and would not be drinking at all anymore.
MIL has not apologised once, she said to OH she had a lovely time and didn’t see the problem as the children hadn’t be woken (despite me and her partner not getting any sleep).
She was supposed to be coming on a day out I’d organised tomorrow but I really don’t want her to come. She keeps messaging OH asking if she can come. AIBU to say no ?

No, don't let her spoil another day. Make sure your husband doesn't let her come either.

Your mil is as much of an alcoholic as your dh and they are enabling each other. Alcoholism often runs in families- my Gran and Mum were the same. I would cut all contact with her until she accepts she has a problem and I would never have alcohol in the house or around either of them again. (I had to stop drinking completely 15 years ago for similar reasons).

How awful. What an inconsiderate, boorish person your OH is, and his mother is just the same. They surely must be alcoholics. I couldn't be so incredibly selfish, and I wouldn't want my children to grow up with people like that pair. Tell your MIL the trip is off, and try to do something nice with your children instead. I'd be making plans to live a single life with my children if I were you.

Well you know who is to blame for his drinking, it isn't his mum. They both sound dreadful but I'm not quite sure why your DH is not responsible for his own alcoholic behaviour.

That's bloody awful OP

But I'm thinking of the kids here. Would gran not being there spoil the day for them? On the other hand, having her there and a bad atmosphere could do the same thing.

I don't blame you for being annoyed with both of them.

She’s using him to enable her own drinking.

if you believe that he’s serious about getting help, keep her away and tell her why.

You were firm, now you need to hold the line (although you haven’t said if his apologising was enough to change your mind on ending things. I am assuming so, if you are going on an outing tomorrow). It doesn’t matter that she keeps texting your OH asking if she can come, you have said no.

And frankly if he is as apologetic and promising to get help as you say he is, as part of that he should realise she enables him and actively want to put some distance from her until he has himself under control.

Unless it is all just words, and he is just saying whatever he needs to until you calm down and he gets to do whatever he wants again. Like having his Mum come to outings etc.

I’m also thinking of the kids. Gran had the opportunity to spend plenty of time with them at Christmas, instead she got drunk and was up all night, and then had to sleep it off the next day rather than see them. I’d say she has shown her priorities quite clearly.

Nailed it.

I wouldn’t be seeing her again for a very long time. And when you split how can you keep them safe from his drinking binges?

Yes, is this it with him or not? What are your lines? Is he forgiven? No, I wouldn't be letting the mil come and I wouldn't be telling her about my relationship problems anymore either.

Your anger should be with your drunk dh.
Your mil is not responsible for her adult dh’s behaviour and if he stays up all night drinking that’s on him.
Yes she encouraged it and is just as bad but her choices are not your problem, although it’s not nice when you’re staying there with your dc.

ds’s behaviour

Gran spent all xmas day with them and they had a lovely time. She didnt start really drinking until after they had gone to bed and the following day, they were going off to visit OP's family so not spending time with that gran anyway. Her being in bed made no difference to their day at all.

But, as usual on mumsnet, the woman is targeted rather than the man.

The one who let the kids down and ruined his family's festive plans and betrayed previous promises to the OP is the husband. The gran did everything she had committed to. Her drinking sounds atrocious and keeping the adult's awake is really bad behaviour. I wouldnt be rushing to spend more time with her, but I would be much more annoyed at the husband. He'd be the one getting kicked out and I'd be ended that relationship. I wouldn't be stopping the gran from seeing the grandkids when she didnt do anything which impacted the kids.

Are you really done with your DH if you’re having a family out? He’s the one you should have the problem with. His responsibility to his children and his obligation to go and visit your family are all his, not hers.

She’d just hosted Christmas Day, drank too much and got caught up enjoying herself with her son, which she might not get to do that often. She didn’t do anything wrong.

You'd think that she'd care about the state of her sons marriage, where she has been told that his out of control drinking is causing it to end. To then indulge him is bloody awful and I would take that very personally. She does not give two fucks about you or the kids.

Obviously, just to clarify, your main issue is with your h. He is a problem drinker who will never know how to stop.

And again, the woman's behaviour takes centre stage. Because of course... why should men be centred when it is their behaviour which is actually the problem.

I wouldn't want to see her either OP. Ultimately it was your DH who was responsible for ruining the family boxing day plans but it seems very clear that him and his mum have a toxic relationship with alcohol and being around her clearly exacerabates it. I would be taking the kids on a day out without either of them.

Just to be clear I don’t blame MIL for OH’s behaviour but I feel like the way she acted was disrespectful to everyone else at the house. She also see’s no problem in her behaviour and as we left told me she hoped OH sorted himself out, even though her behaviour was just as terrible. I just feel like she doesn’t hold herself accountable and I really feel like I can’t spend the day pretending to be friendly. The day out is a show which I bought tickets too, she sort of invited herself along when she knew I had booked and asked OH would he mind if she went instead of him.
I haven’t forgiven OH at all. We are having counselling in the new year, I’m hoping that he will see how his actions effect everyone and make changes or I will be walking away.

Typical alcoholics, sounds like my family. They will act like you are a fun sponge and overreacting and just continue to enable each other when together. Your OH needs to admit how toxic his mother is to him and how he needs to keep her at arms length until he Is much more further on in his recovery.

In her own house she can drink 24 hours a day if she chooses, and does not need to apologise to anyone for it. However, this does not mean that you have to be anywhere near it, accept it, or approve of it.

Me, I would let her go to the show … and just resolve to myself, not to put myself in that position again - no house visits, no invites, nothing.

As for DH.. he has an addiction (speaking as a person who has had an addiction in the past), he has to want to change …words are no use, only practical change.

Exactly. As usual it’s the women’s fault and Here it’s mums fault 😂even though the child is an adult. She hosted the day and the kids were in bed. Not sure why you didn’t get any sleep. Blame the DH.

She also see’s no problem in her behaviour and as we left told me she hoped OH sorted himself out, even though her behaviour was just as terrible. I just feel like she doesn’t hold herself accountable

Her behaviour wasnt just as bad though. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with having a night drinking for Christmas, especially in your own home with your own family. The only reason your husband’s behaviour was wrong was because it meant he couldn’t fulfil his commitments the next day, but your MIL didn’t have those commitments.

I don’t see what you’re expecting her to hold herself accountable for. She might be his mum, but it’s no longer her job to tell your husband when it’s time to go to bed. He gets to choose that all by himself.

It is mean of you to exclude her from a day out that she was looking forward to when she has done nothing wrong.

she sort of invited herself along when she knew I had booked and asked OH would he mind if she went instead of him

So your OH isn’t going on this family day out? Just you, MIL and the kids?

Fuck that, no, absolutely not.