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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell friend her new partner is a bit creepy?

19 replies

ConflictedLady · 31/12/2022 05:46

Will try to be brief but also give as much detail as I can. Couldn't really find a chat category this totally fits in.

Reconnected with old friend recently. She's told me subsequently about having awful relationships, awful radar when it comes to spotting narcissists etc. She's clearly and by her own admission, quite lacking in self confidence as a result of some of the terrible relationships shes experienced.

She visited recently with a very new partner in tow. There's a significant age gap, and without wanting to sound awful, there were no redeeming qualities that I could see to explain the attraction.

I asked how they met and he told story about inviting her out for a date (to a dancing group) but then when getting there he walked off and went dancing with loads of other women rather than her. I feel like with my friend still remaining interested and reaching out to him after that, she showed herself as being vulnerable, as he then went the opposite and showered her with attention. Leading her to ask to bring him with her to visit us just a couple ot weeks into their relationship.

He just gave me the ick from the start. He talked about himself....constantly. To the point where she was apologising for him when he went to the loo, claiming he was just nervous. He was bragging and within 10 mins of meeting was making us look through dozens of photos of his hot tub, house, you name it. He would lean in uncomfortably close when talking (think being able to smell his fags/his breath/what he last ate close)

But what really made my stomach churn, was he kept trying to kiss me on the lips. He caught me the first time, I turned for the cheek kiss, but he went for the lips. I assumed a mistake. But then when we met up numerous times across the weekend, he did it every time, to the point where I was leaning so far to the side it was just ridiculous. How my friend didn't notice is beyond me!

I genuinely feel he's a bit of a creep for many reasons, and had hoped that as it was so new it would just fizzle out. However, we received a joint Christmas card from them last week, which is honestly another red flag with the history of relationships she has shared with me.

I genuinely don't know what to do, as he's clearly gotten himself embroiled into her life very quickly, we live hundreds of miles apart and have not long reconnected ourselves, so I don't want to do anything to push her away. But equally I feel like I need to let her know my concerns.

OP posts:

Merlott · 31/12/2022 05:48

Tell her but only if you're willing to lose the friendship.

People react very badly to criticism of their choice of bf/gf

ClarathecrosseyedLioness · 31/12/2022 06:05

I appreciate your concerns for your friend OP and it's hard when someone you care about is making unwise choices. However, respectfully, I think you should MYOB.

Her life, her choices.

I can remember a friend who had a series of 'unsuitable' boyfriends, usually married, always emotionally unavailable/cheaters. Anyone who tried to warn her was 'dumped' (including me). The last one was cheating on her with a girl who lived in the same road ( ! ) and gave her an STD. She still wouldn't dump him.

She never married, lives alone with a cat and has one friend left who is having an affair with a married man.

If you and your friend live 100's of miles apart, and meeting up involves you getting snogged by some creepy guy, I would reconsider this friendship.

ShampooSocks · 31/12/2022 06:13

I have the same situation with a close friend.

She's 40, he's nearly 60 and he gives me the creeps. After their first date, my friend said that no way are they compatible but they'll be friends. He then love bombed her.

She has very low self esteem and is a people pleaser. They moved in together after 6 weeks (!) And although he says he's getting divorced from his wife, I don't believe him. She's re-written history and now says it was love at first sight!

He's creepy. Massively gives me the ick. Talks about himself, big ego, and he's manipulative in his conversation. My friend has even dropped hobbies that she loved because of his negativity about them.

I've decided to not say anything, it's her life, her choice, but I'll be there to help support her if when it turns sour.

HappyAxolotl · 31/12/2022 06:15

Tread very carefully. If you critcise him you could push the two of them closer together and you'll give him ammo to say you are jealous of the relationship, don't want your mate happy, that you were coming onto him... you risk your mate dumping you and seeing you as a threat to the relationship. And that's exactly what the really bad'uns want.

It's the hardest thing to do, but stay friends with your friend and keep the door open for when it all turns sour.

And of course you can refuse to see the bloke again, see your mate on her own for a "girly chat".

Original poster

ConflictedLady · 31/12/2022 06:22

We could be talking about the exact same person honestly!

It's just so difficult knowing the crap she's been through before, and that to certain men, it stands out like a beacon that she could be easily manipulated.

She's literally beautiful and super intelligent and any guy would be lucky to have her, but she doesn't believe that herself and I can see she has fallen for all of the attention he's thrown at her.

I think I already knew I can't really say anything directly to her, but I know there will be no chance now of seeing her without him in tow, so it's a very difficult situation to balance. Even if I'm saying nice things, my face tends to be a dead give away about my feelings!

OP posts:

3487642l · 31/12/2022 06:30

Can you say something like, 'I can see your really keen on your new man, I'm happy to see you happy! I wish we had talked about this when you were single because i don't want to put a damper on things but now that you're seeing someone I am wondering if you want me to share any red flags I notice if they were to crop up when you share things with me? How honest do you want me to be? I really care about you and want to know how you would like me to handle it?'

Fightingitoff · 31/12/2022 07:34

Do you have any plans to meet up in person again? Because then you’ll have to say no and explain why, he’s trying to do non-consensual things and makes you feel personally unsafe.

watchfulwishes · 31/12/2022 07:39

3487642l · 31/12/2022 06:30

This is worth a try.

Also if he tries to kiss you on the lips, call him out. You do not have to be polite when someone is assaulting you!

ladyofshertonabbas · 31/12/2022 07:43

Say something. This guy could seriously mess up her and the course of her life. It might be all she needs to get the confidence to ditch him. Some people don’t have great judgment.

Legrandetraitor · 31/12/2022 07:43

3487642l · 31/12/2022 06:30

This!!

also agree with a PP next time with the kissing say, LOUDLY “please stop kissing me on the lips, I don’t like it”

chinmayi · 31/12/2022 07:55

3487642l · 31/12/2022 06:30

This sounds grt idea. It's a delicate matter and I'm happy you'd want to tread carefully for the friend. Also don't tolerate any of his BS.

MzHz · 31/12/2022 08:03

If you won’t be able to see her without him, then your friendship is pretty much done.

in which case nothing left to lose by being honest with her. At least you know you tried, and IF she manages to extract herself (or when he discards) then you can tell her that you’re there for her and even if she won’t want to talk to you now because of what you’ve said about this creep she’s seeing, one day you’ll hope she’ll seek you out, and you’ll be there for her.

strawberry2017 · 31/12/2022 08:42

Call him out on his behaviours.
If he tries to kiss you- as someone else said tell him so she hears.
Men do these things as they expect women to just accept it and be to polite to say anything.

Caroparo52 · 27/06/2023 17:05

You could ask her how honest she wants you to be.
She may sub consciously know she's hooked up with a bad' un again with the same faults. It's a pattern she's got herself into. But whether she wants to hear it spelt out ny you is another matter.
She may drop you or if he gets a sniff of your concerns about him, and he gaslights her to drop you.
Unlikely you can win. Either tolerate this prick or you loose your friend.

Pinkhairedlaydee · 27/06/2023 17:16

ZOMBIE

happinessischocolate · 27/06/2023 17:36

Pinkhairedlaydee · 27/06/2023 17:16

ZOMBIE

😂😂😂

Skyrim41 · 27/06/2023 17:53

Find her someone more attractive and nicer!

Rogue1001MNer · 27/06/2023 17:58

Does the mention of having just received a Christmas card in the op not give you a moment's pause given this is midsummer @Caroparo52????

Ominot · 27/06/2023 18:05

Been there and done that, she revealed something about him and I told her it was wrong. I didn’t like him and surprisingly neither did DH who is so laid back he is horizontal. I lost that friendship of a decade, I know they married. It’s. Shame but I’m glad I said his behaviour was crap, she told me about it, wasn’t even just ab Observation Some people need saving from themselves but even when it’s stating the bleeding obvious they take zero notice.

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