AIBU for being upset at my family

[Mummyof2gingerboys]

Hi, sorry if this is all over the place I have never posted one of the AIBUs before.

Basically, I am really upset at my family to the point I am tearful writing this. I have my gran and my auntie left, I have no present father and my mum passed away in 2015.

I suffer from PTSD and a whole catalogue of other mental health problems.

On Christmas day, I made my gran and my auntie a lovely Christmas dinner and even let my gran stay the night if Xmas eve (her request). I am on benefits so putting a dinner on like that was hard even just for me and my little boys never mind myself, my 2 wee boys, gran, auntie and father of children.

Basically, my gran was meant to come over today (hogmanay) but I asked if she could come on new year's Day instead purely because I've been up all night with my youngest. My gran said no that she was going to my aunties. I asked her did she not think that was a bit shitty not inviting me or my kids up for the day since I hosted at Xmas (was totally ruled out of a funeral the year prior) and she said no she didnt.

I'm now left unable to sleep really tearful because I really do feel left out and with those being the only 2 left there's always a huge disconnect between us. I have 1 friend who chose to sit with 2 girls who are fake as hell over me who has literally paid his way to go to concerts, travel etc with my saved up money. I just feel like no one cares about me or my kids.

AIBU to be sitting here crying? I feel lower than low at the minute because I don't know what I've done to be treated this way. I always go above and beyond for other people but it's never ever reciprocated.

What an unusually cold response from her. Have you pushed it further? Will there be drinking? I’m kind of thinking maybe they don’t want your children there and that you’re a package deal, which is obviously shite to say, because if someone has younger children you just put up with it when you’re in someone’s house. If they were going clubbing it would’ve been totally different but there’s no real reason your young ones couldn’t have joined and just went to sleep when they’re tired — it’s very common practice for family NYE get togethers.

So sorry you feel so low, I’d try and focus on having a special one with your boys if you can and if it was me I wouldn’t be sending out invites to them for a while, I’d be waiting to see if they bother with me first.

You are definitely not being unreasonable
You sound extremely sweet and caring and I can't fathom why your gran and aunt didn't invite you. Im feeling your kindness is being taken advantage of here. But its on them to feel bad because you've done absolutely nothing wrong.

It sounds as if they are used to taking advantage of your good nature. I think you should stop going above and beyond for people you know will never reciprocate. They may be family, but that doesn’t make them nice people. As for that particular friend - why are you using your benefit money to pay for his travel and concerts? You need to drop those friends who don’t treat you with respect.

It would be nice if people always reciprocated our own generosity and kindness. Unfortunately they don’t always, that’s very much on them, not you, and you cannot control what they do.

you can control what you do. if you choose to host a meal or to pay for your friends concert tickets, then you need to do this without the expectation that you get something in return. You are under no obligation to do either of these things, though I can totally understand why you are reaching out and trying to establish or reinforce bonds with these people.

my FIL grew up without a family, his mum was very young and she died when he was only 6 months old. He didn’t know his dad. His mums family refused to take him and he grew up in care. He has a whole range of issues stemming from that, not least a desperate need to establish family connections with the various relatives he has tracked down. He’s been rejected, forgotten, left out so many times over the years, it’s really hard. He has focused instead on his own family, but I can see it still hurts.

are you in a relationship with your children’s father?

are you receiving help / therapy for your ptsd / mental health?

You are not being unreasonable but stop going above and beyond for people who do not feel any need to do the same for you. It is apparent that these people will accept your generosity and then turn their backs on you. Focus on your children from now on instead.

Everyone has written great responses already so I won't add anything, other than....

It is shitty for you and I hope you are ok?

I can see why it feels like this, especially as you put do much effort and money into entertaining them at Christmas. However does that mean they cannot get together without you ? Not everyone relishes the company of small children, is this a one off or do they never invite you?

You sound like a very kind person. Remember your value. Try not to focus on this, hard as it is, and redefine how you put yourself out for family in future. Enjoy your children who I'm sure adore you. Look at meeting new people this year.
Also see about talking to a councillor or GP. Are you on antidepressants?

That's tough OP. I'd say since they're mother and daughter (if I've understood it correctly) then it makes sense they'll sometimes do things just the two of them. Especially since you presumably come with two kids in tow so this precludes adult type days.

That said since NY day is a somewhat special occasion it was cruel to exclude you from it. Your grandma's response also sounds very unkind. If I had planned a special day with my adult DD and you asked to join I'd have explained this is a mother daughter day but how about we do XYZ on another day. Or to be honest since you'd hosted them for Christmas I'd have probably rearranged NYD to include you then had our day a different time.

You are not being unreasonable and for what's it's worth you sound lovely. Why not make this year about you and focus on finding new friends who appreciate you. Not saying that you shouldn't see family but it's maybe time to stop focusing all your attention on them 💐

YABU to have just assumed your gran would be spending all of NYD with you without discussing it and you were rude to effectively say she owes you. Arguably she could be irritated with you because you've cancelled her NYE plans. She's probably wanting to arrange something else now at short notice.
I bet if you had played things differently you could have got an invite to your auntie's for the day. You sound like hard work.

I really don't understand how I'm hard work when I rarely get to spend time with any of them due to the fact I'm always stuck in the house with my 2 kids because ones in a wheelchair and the other requires a buggy to go outside. I check in with my gran more than what her own daughters do, I'm not rude for wanting to feel included considering both of my parents have died and they're all I have left. Thanks for your input though, they've actually apologised because they recognised what they done was shitty.

It's always never included for me so that's why I thought something like NYD would be that one time I was included 🥹 they've apologised because they realised it was a bit shitty leaving me there, alone with just my 2 kids. They even said they didn't realise how lonely I must've felt (both my kids are nonverbal autistic)