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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I have answered door to Ex?

22 replies

Crunchingleaf · 31/12/2022 00:52

I guess I need a sanity check here.
Two days ago my DC13 was meant to go to his fathers. Usually he goes for a week of his Christmas holidays, but now he is a teenager he decided it would be for 4 days instead. Night before he was due to go he came down with what appears to be Flu or at least a flu like illness(negative for Covid). DC is quite nauseous, aches and pains etc and decided he would prefer to stay home. I can understand why he decided this who wants to leave comfort of couch/bed and get into a car when he so fatigued and nauseous and haven’t pushed him to go or stay.

His dad was already unhappy that DC is spending less and less time with him. Yesterday DC ended up switching off his phone because of constant calls and messages (using different apps). DC literally just wants to rest. DC had spoken to his dad a couple of times to say he really isn’t well and will let him know when he is up to going to him.
Today I could see someone hovering outside our hedge and then realised it was Ex. He rang doorbell a few times shortly afterwards, but I froze and didn’t answer. In that moment I remembered what it was like living with him and constantly being afraid to do or say the wrong thing in case I upset him. All I could think was this house is our safe space. We don’t have to walk on eggshells here. I can’t open door to him.
Anyway he rang my phone and asked to come in and he sounded angry. I said to him it’s horrible timing that DC is sick when he is supposed to be with him and hopefully they can reschedule some time together. He wanted me to bring DC to a GP so he can get professional verification that DC actually sick as he can’t take my word for it. DC has already told him about being sick. DC sounds sick too.
He asked DC again to go with him and DC said no.
I feel bad I didn’t let him in to see his DC who is genuinely unwell at the moment. I just couldn’t do it.
So AIBU for not letting him in.

OP posts:

Mybumlooksbig · 31/12/2022 00:55

Yanbu at all. It's your house

HilarysMantelpiece · 31/12/2022 01:04

You know that you did the right thing- you are momentarily back to walking on eggshells.

It's unreasonable for a decent father not to respect his 13yo son's word that DS is ill, and wants to defer a visit to dads house.
However much dad may want to spend time with him over the holidays (and kudos to him for that) it isn't more important that his DS's comfort.

As the saying goes "access is for the child to have a relationship with their absent parent not for the parent".
YANBU

Redebs · 31/12/2022 01:06

Your ex is angry, disappointed, but unreasonable. He should not have come to the house.
If your son has told him he's unwell and doesn't want to go out, then he has to accept that. The idea that he can get a note from the doctor is absurd; there's no way he would be seen at the surgery. At 13, your son can't be forced to go and see his father even if he isn't unwell.
It sounds as though your ex has threatened you in the past. You're clearly afraid of him. Arrange to speak to a local police officer about your concerns. They can have a word with him about not coming to your home. If he comes to the house again, call 999.

PMAmostofthetime · 31/12/2022 01:09

This is awful, your DC is 13 its his choice now whether he wants to spend time with his father and if he doesn't then his father needs to accept that.

No court of law would force a 13 year old to have contact they didn't want all your ex is doing is pushing him further away. What type of father does this!?

Contact is a child's right and not a parent and therefore the choice is primarily your DC's.

Hope he's feeling better soon and your not too shook up l.

Whatthediddlyfeck · 31/12/2022 01:42

YANBU at all-and sticking to your boundaries like you did was perfect

SugarplumFairyyy · 31/12/2022 01:46

He sounds totally unreasonable. The fact that you froze says lot about the impact he's had on you.
It sounds like you are quite happy and easy going generally for your child to see his dad when it is appropriate but your child didn't want to go because he was ill. He can't force him to go with him. I get that he may miss his son but pestering him when he's ill won't encourage him to want to see him anymore. So you are not being unreasonable

Summer2424 · 31/12/2022 01:50

@Crunchingleaf YANBU at all x

Volhhg · 31/12/2022 01:58

If there is a history of abuse toward you then you are absolutely not being unreasonable. However if he is just a pushy and persistent person as a personality trait it seems wrong. it seems completely normal for a parent to visit their child when they are sick especially one who has regular contact, in fact I would expect them to turn up

Theunamedcat · 31/12/2022 02:07

So he wanted you to drop everything drag your child to the Dr's for a bad cold or flu symptoms? All they will say is fluids paracetamol and REST that's if you could have got him in

I get it he is hanging around to see if your in if your having a party or visitors some "reason" for his child not wanting to see him it doesn't occur to him that your ds is telling the truth because he assumes everyone is a liar and deceptive

Your right to keep him out ds is right to shut the phone off if he is bothering him

SpacePotato · 31/12/2022 02:09

You did exactly the right thing not letting this angry, irrational man into your home.

He will only make DS not want to spend time with him at all, but then it wasn't about him spending time with his son, it was about him wanting to get at you.

DPotter · 31/12/2022 02:10

Yu were totally reasonable - you don't have to answer the door to anyone.

As for getting a sicknote from the GP - I had a message from our GP surgery about 10 days ago telling us not to try and make an appointment for the colds and flu going around, that it's taking about 3 weeks to shake it off. Stay home and take paracetamol.

Hope your son is feeling better soon. And I think he's got the right idea to turn off his phone too.

SkylightSkylight · 31/12/2022 02:21

Of course YANBU.

You'd have been mad to let him in. If he turns up again, tell him to LEAVE or you'll call the police. Depending on where you live they may or may not come out, but they're often really good about DV over Christmas/New Year.

Original poster

Crunchingleaf · 31/12/2022 09:54

Thanks everyone. It’s always useful to hear different perspectives. I was back questioning myself like I used to when we were together.
I wish the situation could be better for DS sake.

OP posts:

MrsCarson · 31/12/2022 10:03

Where did he propose that you find a GP today no one can just get a visit for anything let alone his little temper tantrum, he must think Ds is lying about being ill, he's being ridiculous. You did the right thing.

Maray1967 · 31/12/2022 10:10

Redebs · 31/12/2022 01:06

Exactly this. Your Ex has behaved appallingly here. Your son needs to be home in bed.

BMW6 · 31/12/2022 10:15

Your ex sounds like a controlling twat. Can totally see why he's an ex.

If he's not careful your DC may decide in future not to see him at all. Bet the ex hasn't considered this possibility.

custardbear · 31/12/2022 10:22

I'm sure any GP would be thrilled to be exposed to flu just to satisfy your ex's inability to deal with life's shitty viruses ... but you did the right thing, DS comes first, he stays at home with mum in his bed and gets well - ex H needs to suck it up

chocolateasaltyballs22 · 31/12/2022 10:28

Sounds like my twat of an ex and our daughter barely sees him now because of his behaviour. What goes around, comes around. Definitely don't answer the door so that he can bully you and your poor son.

Itslookinggood · 31/12/2022 10:37

Been in a similar situation many times with exh.

you have done absolutely the right thing. DS needs to see that you put his needs first, and will support him. He also needs to know that he has agency and control, and at his age, seeing a parent is his choice (no court will order enforced contact for a reluctant 13 year old).

i know it’s hard, but a chat with the non-emergency police line, or making a local report online, that your EXh is not welcome to freely visit your house, is always helpful. It logs thr incident in case he turns up again, and needs to be warned off.

and as pps have said, all he s doing is chasing your DC away. Mine (now 15) has no contact with his dad, after years of emotional control.

winteriscoming2022 · 31/12/2022 10:46

Good luck to him getting GP appointment on the day for probably flu

Schoolchoicesucks · 31/12/2022 10:48

Your DC isn't being unreasonable in not wanting to stay home when ill. Nor was he being unreasonable in turning his phone off to someone bombarding with messages.

You are not obliged to answer the door or phone to anyone.

If your ex was usually a decent person and had travelled out of concern to see his ill DC over Christmas, then I think it would have been OK to let him in. But it doesn't sound as though that's the case here, if him being outside made you freeze. And certainly his message about getting a doctors note to prove DC is ill is completely nuts and shows ex in a poor light.

Do DC and ex usually have a good relationship? Does ex live locally? Is DC still able to see his friends etc when he visits? I'm assuming there is some reason that DC is reducing the time he spends with ex.

Is the contact and visitation court ordered?

A stern message back telling him that of course you won't be getting a doctors note. That DC will contact him when he's feeling better. Not to turn up unannounced. And remind him that DC is growing up and will want more autonomy into where and how he spends time.

Original poster

Crunchingleaf · 31/12/2022 20:33

Ex lives around a 20 minute drive away, but none of DC friends would live out that direction as it’s a completely different school catchment. They have never been close. I realised this in the early years so I tried to encourage Ex to find a common interest so they could bond, but I eventually gave up. He continued to do things like bring DC to matches when DC hates them and has no interest in team sports. I think it’s one reason why DC reduced time he spends with him. Also plans with friends are prioritised now over parents. Which is totally normal at this age.
The visit has made me very worried about an escalation in behaviour if DC decides he no longer wants to spend time with him. He seems much angrier lately.
Contact isn’t court ordered. Originally contact was EOW with extra time during school holidays. Last couple of months DC has gone once a month.

OP posts:

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