To ask how to spend as little time with (almost NC) in-laws as possible?

[Anxietyandwine]

Had a major falling out this time last year. The NC has been good for my MH. In the beginning DH instigated the the NC but went back around July. This included the children, it was a very bad time but gradually since July DS3 has started to see them again and slowly so has DD11 a couple of times.

His birthday is coming up and he has asked we do something with them. (Dd11, ds3, his parents, SIL and husband, plus the dreaded PIL).

I am reluctant, they’re very keen to go ‘back to normal’ I am struggling with resentment but would like to appease my husband.

any ideas? I was thinking along the lines of an afternoon tea somewhere neutral nearby. Short and sweet. Easy to go once it’s done. CausalS

Any better ideas? I don’t want them here and I don’t want to have to go to theirs. I suffer with anxiety so this will be keeping me awake til I find a doable solution. TIA.

You went VLC or close to NC with them for a reason. If your DH wants to resume contact that is his lookout, and if he wants to bring the kids, I'd be saying only every so often and not every visit.
As for birthdays and family events, they are not invited. They can do something when they next see the child, and not before.
You wouldn't reward a naughty child so I'd use the same system here in relation to how you deal with the in-laws.

Just my take on the situation

Do you really have to go? Could your DH do one celebration with the kids and his folks (even go to theirs for it) and then you organise a separate “main” celebration - just you two and the kids doing something they’d really enjoy but that maybe wouldn’t be suitable for a bigger family group (eg an activity of some sort)?

Thank you. So far the only time I have seen them is at DS3’s christening (just at the church part). He goes around once a month since July and DD11 has been just the once but is feeling a bit happier to engage. (Mainly due to pure bribery!)

I am reluctant to engage with them in this way, but he really wants it and I don’t want to be the only one being difficult.

A lunch out might well be quicker than an afternoon tea and no more expensive. Afternoon teas are designed to be lingered over, in a way that something with fries in a chain pub just isn't. A carvery might work well - you tend to get food quite quickly and the party splits up a bit while you get served.

Don't go, let them go without you.
I'm nc with my mil, due to repeated snide comments due to infertility, she probably has no idea why either she's that toxic.

Just don't go, it would be so awkward sitting around and just trying to avoid any conversation. Send your DH & DC off without you and wish them a nice time. Sure, they might gossip about you but do you care?

This is very difficult. I assume you can't convince your dh to just let the current arrangements continue? Is he aware of the pressure he's putting on you? Would it cause problems in your marriage if you refused to comply?

It might help if you could sketch out the basics of the original falling out.

I have a different take on it. By going NC for a year you have made it very clear how you feel and that if they really upset you, you will do that. Having set that boundary, and as it's important to your DH to have the family together for his birthday which I totally understand, you should give them a second chance. I think birthday cake morning or afternoon tea somewhere neutral is a great idea. Better still if you can find somewhere with an activity, like a nice garden or a museum, so that if it starts to get too much you can have a little walk with one or both the DC to give yourself a break.

People on MN are so quick to tell others to go NC and never ever give the other party a second chance to behave differently. I really hope that if I ever say the wrong thing to a DIL one day she doesn't behave like that...

Go to a harvester and keep getting up to refill your salad

Great idea to meet in neutral territory. The cost to your mh is not only the few hours you might spend with them but the worry in the lead up and any stress or fall-out after the event. Have a plan so you can leave straight away if need be, having a plan for how you will proactively handle possible situations may help relieve some of the anxiety.

I would say no thanku and step aside. Let ur DH take over the relationship.

I would like the in laws take on this. I’m an in law in a situation like this, something was said that upset me and I had the audacity to point out I didn’t like a comment, which has been blown up out of all proportion and I’ve become the bad party. Son not speaking to me, haven’t seen my grandchildren all over Christmas and everyone else is playing happy families. It’s heartbreaking.

This sounds really upsetting, I’m sorry this happened. I previously had a lovely relationship with my PIL and honestly due to my anxiety I hate to rock the boat so it has taken a lot for me to go NC with them.

Imo it's a great life skill for dc to learn you don't have to make yourself miserable to make others happy. Stay away from them op. Your dc may grow up to realise you are correct and dh is a sap...

you have had a year of NC. Boundaries are now set, I would go but tell DH if they say or do anything like before you will be leaving and taking the kids and will go NC again and this time it’s permanent

i would also say if you do go it won’t be the start of anything more. It will be a one off

Thank you

Tell your DH that you will go, somewhere neutral, but that it is very much a one off, not a return to some other kind of normal. And that if anything is said or done that repeats old behaviour you would expect his support in never meeting them again.

If they really are bribing the teen then DH needs to acknowledge that too. Not stop it or make a fuss about it but be able to talk about it without getting defensive. It is his eyes that need to remain open, his feelings that need to be protected. They are his parents, he won't see, or be able to acknowledge what they do as easily as you.

Can you ask your husband if you can do it in baby steps? I understand this is something you really don’t want to do, but wish to make an effort for your DH.

So for his birthday whatever you arrange, you join them for one coffee or one drink then you have to leave for appointment/emergency dentist/whatever.

This covers two issues. You may actually find once the ice is broken that you feel you can learn to suffer them more (not for their sakes, but for your DH).

Also if you do go for the whole of a lunch or tea, your Dh might think that it was all sunny and smiles, and expect you to go back to things as they were before.

I used to have this problem. I would agree to do something I didn’t want to do. But because I would be an adult and behave as if I was enjoying myself (I wasn’t), my husband would say “see I said you’d enjoy it”. My mistake was not reminding him that I was only pretending, because he was very sensitive and defensive about his family, and would easily lose his temper.

Don't go. Put your MH first. You have reservations over going, for a reason. It's a gut feeling.

Thank you for all the suggestions everyone.

As it turns out PIL have booked something just the 3 of them to celebrate his birthday which is a ticketed event not just turn up on the night, so guess that’s my get out of jail free card!

Op it's rarely one remark that causes this!

Unless it's so despicable!

Keep away but be very careful of your dd going.
Personally I always believe in second chances sometimes more for my own conscious. I've given and it's rarely been good but we tried!

Thank you, it’s so much more than one remark of course. I have let a LOT go over the years as they have form for being quite controlling etc

eg: FIL called my wedding venue to ask about changing dates, they held a meeting about my wedding with my DH and SIL as the dates didn’t suit SIL… and didn’t invite me.. and all of this is so small fries compared to the last year.

but the treatment that lead to NC was honesty outright nasty. I’m happy to have an out and pleased I didn’t have to put myself through it. Although I’m sure the day will come

When my mil tried interfering in our wedding we uninvited her!!

Good for you! I wish I’d had the guts! Although they threatened not to come the week before the wedding when they didn’t like the table plan so probably wouldn’t have cared tbh!