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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are these phone calls genuinely too much or should I make more of an effort?

26 replies

CoffeePlease87 · 30/12/2022 22:58

I think I know the answer to this deep down, but I do have a guilty bit niggling away at me, so came on here to get some outsiders opinion!

I started dating someone around 3 months ago, they work until quite late most of the time (sometimes they can start work at 7am and not get home until 11pm because they often have to travel a few hours to different places etc). I am a full-time mature university student and I also care full-time for one of my children who have a disability - the other person has no children.

The main issue I’m having is I’m absolutely exhausted majority of the time because they always want to call me at stupid times (think 11-12pm at night) and then I can’t get them off the phone for 2 or 3 hours! I understand that most of the time it’s when they get in from work and that’s the only time we really have to call each other - I don’t particularly like phone calls anyway so I’m quite happy just texting - which does make me feel a bit bad like maybe once or twice a week I should just do it, but they can live off such little sleep - I really can’t function without it.

I have mentioned it before to them and they either claim to understand but then start doing it again a few days later or they make sarcastic jokes like oh I see how it is, I’ll find someone who does want to speak to me then etc…

They are a nice person in other ways and I do enjoy having them in my life but it’s just exhausting me!

Any advice would be really welcome!

OP posts:
Mmmmpavlova · 30/12/2022 23:01

Honestly, don't answer your phone at night. Put it on aeroplane mode at 10pm. That is ridiculous. It doesn't suit you to do this so don't go along with it

JengaNonConfirming · 30/12/2022 23:02

Why are you putting their wants and needs ahead of your own? This isn't working for you and yet you keep doing it. It doesn't sound like the right relationship for you (or anyone!). Why don't you set your phone not to accept calls after a certain time?

HellonHeels · 30/12/2022 23:04

Send a goodnight text or a more extensive catch up text at your bedtime, then switch the phone off.

They sound a bit selfish / irritating / both.

SugarNspices · 30/12/2022 23:06

Oh no forget that, getting off the phone at like 2am when you have a child to look after the next day and do studies. I couldn't give up my precious sleep for no body but my child

PacificallyRequested · 30/12/2022 23:08

That's ridiculous. 15-20 minutes would be my maximum at that time of night.
Nothing stopping you just hanging up on them...

CupOfCake · 30/12/2022 23:11

Something like:
"This is not working out for me."

It sounds totally imbalanced and full of red flags like they're -tripping you.

TheSnugglyDuckling · 30/12/2022 23:14

I agree sounds like a huge red flag. Emotional vampire. Get rid now before you get pulled in deeper.

Haruka · 30/12/2022 23:27

I had a partner like that once. They don't respect your need for space. It won't be the only thing about you they don't respect.

Set boundaries - put your phone on DND after whatever time you're exhausted - and be prepared for battle or better yet, run.

PerpetualFailure · 30/12/2022 23:29

Incompatible. And that it waaay to late to chat!

RobbinBanksy · 30/12/2022 23:30

why have you hidden the sexes? I don’t get why posters do this when it makes no difference

Workinghardeveryday · 30/12/2022 23:30

Agree with all said.

To add, if he is travelling around, why can’t he ring earlier when driving?…

Redebs · 30/12/2022 23:34

I'm not sure how you can be a full-time university student and a full-time carer for one of your children at the same time? Do you take your child to university with you? Do you have other children you don't care for full-time? This confused me.

I'm also not sure why you answer your phone at night. Put it on silent.

Original poster
CoffeePlease87 · 30/12/2022 23:47

@RobbinBanksy sorry, he is a male and I’m a female!

OP posts:
Original poster
CoffeePlease87 · 30/12/2022 23:48

@Redebs I study remotely because of my circumstances and the subject I study allows me to do this too

OP posts:
ClickClack1 · 30/12/2022 23:50

I’d end it, he’s being selfish and inconsiderate, and you’re not compatible at all with your different lifestyles

Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2022 23:50

It's quite alarming that you are seemingly unable to stand up for yourself and put an end to these absolutely insane phone calls. Stop being such a doormat, right fucking now.

He sounds creepy so you should get rid, anyway.

WinterFoxes · 30/12/2022 23:55

2-3 hour phone calls afyer midnight and jokey threats to find someone who will tolerate this slelfish anti-social behaviour? It sounds like you are encumbering yourself with an extra child. You need a supportive partner not a demanding one. They don;t give a toss about your needs or respect your boundaries.

Charley50 · 30/12/2022 23:58

Sounds like my brother a knobber who doesn't respect your boundaries. Just don't answer the phone and night and / or dump him.

rosamacrose · 31/12/2022 00:05

@CoffeePlease87
"I have mentioned it before to them and they either claim to understand but then start doing it again a few days later or they make sarcastic jokes like oh I see how it is, I’ll find someone who does want to speak to me then etc…"

that would be a flag for me... you don't want me so I'll drop you and find someone who does... it's the start of coercion.

SwedishEdith · 31/12/2022 00:16

How often do you see him? Is he in another relationship and can only call that late?

DelphiniumBlue · 31/12/2022 00:25

What ? They are working from 7am-11pm most nights, and can then talk for 2-3 hours? So they are managing on 3 hours sleep average, if you allow say an hour to get ready in the morning?
Either they are on coke which why they can stay up so late and talk for so long, or they are bullshitting you. Just don't answer the phone when it's not convenient. It's quite rude to be calling people after 10pm or so, so no need to feel obliged to pick up the phone after then. If they really want to talk to you they will make the effort to call earlier if you set the right boundaries.
You don't even need to have a discussion about it, just don't pick up the phone after a certain time. They will soon get the message.

saraclara · 31/12/2022 00:26

and then I can’t get them off the phone for 2 or 3 hours!

Of course you can. You simply say, after 15 minutes or so "I'm going to have to say goodbye. It's past my bedtime" and if he tries to persuade you otherwise "no, I really do have to go. I have loads of work to do tomorrow and a disabled child to look after. I can't do either properly if I'm not asleep by midnight. Talk tomorrow. Night night"

saraclara · 31/12/2022 00:29

they make sarcastic jokes like oh I see how it is, I’ll find someone who does want to speak to me then

To which the response is "if you want someone who'll talk to you until 2am, yes, I'm afraid you'll have to"

HotChoxs · 31/12/2022 00:30

It's a phone relationship then. Not a real relationship.

Francisca459 · 31/12/2022 00:43

You are being used. You are a sounding board for him - company, someone for him to TALK AT very very late at night while he winds down. What does it mean when you say you are "dating"? Does he take you out on "dates"? Do you go to events together? Do you go out for dinner? Do you spend a lot of time together? No? Then it's not a relationship or "dating".
Put bluntly, he sees you as a sitting duck he can dip into and use as he pleases.. You have a disabled child and at least one other, and you are a student, so you probably don't have a lot of money and are not fancy free to go and do what you want, when you want, on a whim.
He is a "drainer". He will just drain you. Please be careful you don't get into vulnerable situations.

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