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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you can't come back from this?

28 replies

UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 20:36

My sister in law has always been bitchy and often falls out with members of her family. I try to stay out of it but stuck up for others when I can. However, I think on reflection she's been allowed to get away with this by the family because everyone is scared of 'setting her off'. I always assumed she probably said nasty things about me behind my back like she did with every other member of the family but only found out recently that she had said things about me. She got really drunk a couple of days ago and slagged me off to my partner. I was cheating on him, I was controlling, my house is awful and I'm neglecting my DC. I confronted her but she denied it all (this is her MO).

I spoke to my other DSIL about it (partner of my partner's brother) and I commented 'she does it to everyone, I've heard her talk about every single member of the family'. So DSIL asked had she said things about her and I was honest and told her. I thought she would keep it to her self as we know other sis-in-law will just deny it. But she didn't she also confronted her (and of course she denied it). So then first sis-in-law immediately phones me to confront me. DSIL2 was with me so it confirmed that SIL1 had said things. It was basically she said DSIL2 was neglecting her 2 DDs.

She then sent me loads of abusive messages. Insulting me about my weight, my house, anything she can think of. She told me I'd 'bought my way' into being DSIL2's DD's aunty (when really they were nothing to do with me, she said.) Actually, I've just always been there for the girls and both their parents and we are really close. She told me I'd really pissed her off and 'started something' and she was going to report me to social services and get my DC taken off me.

I have a theory that she likes to think everyone else is neglecting their DC because she did and her DC were taken from her. I don't think she deliberately sets out to hurt anyone but that is the consequence of her behaviour and I think it is finally biting her on the bum. But honestly, after everything she has said I don't think there is any way back. I've always tried to get along with her, I've never judged her, always supported her. But now I just want nothing more to do with her. AIBU?

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 30/12/2022 20:39

You have never judged her but your first sentence was she’s always been bitchy!
If you can’t get along then stay away from each other.

Kangarude · 30/12/2022 20:40

There's a few too many 'DSIL's' for me, but you'd have been better off staying out of it

ivykaty44 · 30/12/2022 20:42

Sounds like a right carry on, especially having D.C. taken into care 🥲

TiddleyWink · 30/12/2022 20:44

I wouldn’t have given her the time of day to start with tbh. No space in my life for someone who neglects their children to the extent they’re taken from her. She would be an absent irrelevance in my life, someone I have zero contact with, not the central point of all this childish drama.

Googlecanthelpme · 30/12/2022 20:45

Life’s too short to be around toxic arseholes like this.

If you’re going to be a cunt then at least own it. Say your opinion, put your two Penneth out into the world if you must but don’t deny it when confronted.
I hate that. It’s weak.

in your case I’d stay out of it, if asked just say “she has form for being a lying, two face gaslighter, so I’d rather not be involved thanks” and leave it at that

PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 20:47

Can’t quite understand why any of you spend time with someone who’s children were removed, regardless of her being “family”. Disgusting human being.

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 20:47

YANBU to cut ties with someone so toxic or have strong boudaries with them.

YABU- to have spoken to your Other SIL about it and told her what was said. That was stirring the pot.

you can hold boudaries and decide to alter your relationship with Someone in ways that don’t add fuel and drama.

SofiaSoFar · 30/12/2022 20:49

Which episode of Jeremy Kyle does this relate to?

Blueuggboots · 30/12/2022 20:51

SS don't just take people's kids off them. She's a twat.

Aussiegirl123456 · 30/12/2022 20:53

Sounds like my SILs. Moved to the other side of the world so we wouldn’t get dragged into their dramas anymore (amongst other reasons). Bliss.

YANBU to stay away.

Ch3wylemon · 30/12/2022 21:01

Live your life and concentrate on you, DH and your DC.

20 years ago I could have written a similar tale. My 2 SIL + one of SIL's sisters excluded me, lied about me, bitched towards my face and generally behaved like they were still playground bullies. A recurring theme was my lack of beauty treatments (I had 2 DC under 5 and a full time job - so funnily enough having my eyebrows plucked wasn't top of my priority list).

It doesn't make me a nice person but the years have been kinder to me in terms of my relationship, my health, my career & my appearance. Sometimes there is Karma.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:10

Wolfiefan · 30/12/2022 20:39

You have never judged her but your first sentence was she’s always been bitchy!
If you can’t get along then stay away from each other.

Well, I'm not sure how else to explain it. She always spoke nastily about other family members behind their back. What I meant was I have never judged her for having her children taken away. I've never been anything but nice to her. I invite her over, go out for coffee/lunch with her, offer support. I'm able to get along with her...but I suppose only if I keep quiet about her behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:12

Googlecanthelpme · 30/12/2022 20:45

Life’s too short to be around toxic arseholes like this.

If you’re going to be a cunt then at least own it. Say your opinion, put your two Penneth out into the world if you must but don’t deny it when confronted.
I hate that. It’s weak.

in your case I’d stay out of it, if asked just say “she has form for being a lying, two face gaslighter, so I’d rather not be involved thanks” and leave it at that

Thanks for the advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:15

PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 20:47

Can’t quite understand why any of you spend time with someone who’s children were removed, regardless of her being “family”. Disgusting human being.

Well, nothing is black and white. Yes, her DC were removed as she was on drugs. By the time I met her she wasn't in that place. She still has contact with all the DC and we have a certain level of contact too.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/12/2022 23:15

I don't think she deliberately sets out to hurt anyone

Of course she bloody does. She’s a toxic hateful mess.

Never see her again. She’s insane.

CrapBucket · 30/12/2022 23:17

If you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:18

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 30/12/2022 20:47

YANBU to cut ties with someone so toxic or have strong boudaries with them.

YABU- to have spoken to your Other SIL about it and told her what was said. That was stirring the pot.

you can hold boudaries and decide to alter your relationship with Someone in ways that don’t add fuel and drama.

I do regret this. I'm very close to DSIL2 hence me speaking to her about it. I was silly to think I could tell her what SIL1 said and that she wouldn't say anything. I wasn't trying to 'stir the pot' but I appreciate that I did.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:19

Aussiegirl123456 · 30/12/2022 20:53

Sounds like my SILs. Moved to the other side of the world so we wouldn’t get dragged into their dramas anymore (amongst other reasons). Bliss.

YANBU to stay away.

The thought of not having to be in the middle of these dramas and hear all about them every time I see her, feeling awkward etc does sound like bliss.

OP posts:
ShakespearesBlister · 30/12/2022 23:21

UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:19

The thought of not having to be in the middle of these dramas and hear all about them every time I see her, feeling awkward etc does sound like bliss.

Show quote history

But that is within your gift it you want it.

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:25

I don't think I can be around her anymore but I will be sad about her DC. My DC really love her too but ultimately as they get older they'd probably be dragged into things so I'd rather them not be around that toxicity.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/12/2022 23:30

This is all so ridiculous. Did you really just sit there and keep reading her abusive messages? You didn't just immediately block her? Were you responding to her?

It seems you love drama as much as she does.

JockTamsonsBairns · 30/12/2022 23:33

The threshold for removal of children is massively high. Being on drugs does not equate an automatic removal. SS would have worked with her for many many months, to try to engage her with rehabilitation methods, and to ultimately try to get her to prioritise her children.
Sadly, your SIL hasn't been able to meet those expectations, so an application would have been made to the courts to begin the process of removing her children. The only way it would have happened quicker is if there were immediate safety concerns for the welfare of these children. It would be very hard to avoid judgment of mothers/parents who find themselves unable to meet the necessary criteria to maintain custody of their children - although, of course, most of us would feel some empathy with the parents in this situation.
It does feel a little bit like you're understating her difficulties here?

Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:36

I responded to a couple very calmly. Tbh, 'loads' was a bit of an exaggeration - there were about 4. I have blocked now but I wasn't really aware how to do it as I've never had to block anyone before. Believe me, I hate drama.

OP posts:
Original poster
UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:42

JockTamsonsBairns · 30/12/2022 23:33

The threshold for removal of children is massively high. Being on drugs does not equate an automatic removal. SS would have worked with her for many many months, to try to engage her with rehabilitation methods, and to ultimately try to get her to prioritise her children.
Sadly, your SIL hasn't been able to meet those expectations, so an application would have been made to the courts to begin the process of removing her children. The only way it would have happened quicker is if there were immediate safety concerns for the welfare of these children. It would be very hard to avoid judgment of mothers/parents who find themselves unable to meet the necessary criteria to maintain custody of their children - although, of course, most of us would feel some empathy with the parents in this situation.
It does feel a little bit like you're understating her difficulties here?

At the point I met her the DC had been removed 3 years before. So I have no idea about the ins and outs of the situation.

I have a little understanding as I had a mental breakdown and struggled with my DC. A very different situation, but having been through serious mental illness, I'm pretty open minded.

OP posts:
PopUpMoon · 30/12/2022 23:47

UndertheCedartree · 30/12/2022 23:42

At the point I met her the DC had been removed 3 years before. So I have no idea about the ins and outs of the situation.

I have a little understanding as I had a mental breakdown and struggled with my DC. A very different situation, but having been through serious mental illness, I'm pretty open minded.

Show quote history

Not the same thing. I’ve been under CMHT for years, lone parent to 3. Never had any SS involvement. You’re very naive.