Am I too sensitive or can my other half be mean..

donutqueen10 · 2022-12-30T13:09:19+00:00

So I guess I'm just looking for a rant really and want to know if I am actually over sensitive or is my boyfriend a tool sometimes.. so this morning he randomly picked on me over the Christmas tree. (He's off work for three days) I am working from home so was sitting at the table working and he was giving our LO breakfast when he brushed past the tree and said 'this Christmas tree is pissing me off, good job mummy's putting it away this weekend' and I said 'yes I do plan on putting it away this weekend' he then proceeded to go on about how it's a good idea he kept the box for the tree because I was going to throw it out and I'd have no where to put the tree.. and carried on picking at me about it to the point I just said 'you are just looking for something to pick at' so then he does go out and get me breakfast at 10:45 because I'm feeling unwell (he first suggested I order on Deliveroo but I mentioned how much extra it would cost for what I wanted) and he came back with breakfast around 11:15. He decided to take our LO upstairs for a nap (in our bedroom) two hours after she woke up so she really didn't need one and I walked into the bedroom once and it got her excited so he moaned I wound her up. She falls asleep after 30 mins or so but wakes when he tries to put her in her own bed so he brings her downstairs and goes upstairs to take a long poo (sorry) whilst I am trying to work, look after our LO and I also throw up in the kitchen sink.. he comes down and then says he's going to take our LO to a party and I tell him to give her lunch before she goes as she might not eat the food they have (I made her a quick lunch whilst he got her dressed) He moans that he's going to be late as it starts at 1pm and is 12:32 and there's no point in him going because it's a 45 minute drive, I need my car back at 4pm and apparently I'm awkward because I won't take his car but it's my car and I'm not comfortable in his car. He has a go at me because he tried to get our LO to nap and he was adamant I walked in and disturbed her twice (I really did only walk in once) and just found any way possible to blame me for being late to this party?!

Crispyturtle · 30/12/2022 13:30

The Christmas tree thing sounds like he was in a mood and picking a fight so YANBU about that.
But, if I had been trying to get DD to nap and my OH deliberately came into the room and disturbed them I would have been really annoyed, so YABU for that.
Not sure why he can’t go for a poo in his own house, I don’t think you can blame him for you being sick in the kitchen sink.
The car thing I don’t get, why on earth can’t you take his car? Sounds like you were being a bit awkward and YABU.
Honestly sounds like you are both rubbing each other up the wrong way.

Nordix · 30/12/2022 13:30

Honestly hard to tell from this post. It does sound annoying for him, looking after LO while you work from home. You may have thought she didn’t need a nap, but he is her parent too - you have to let him get on with it. So walking in when he was trying to get her to nap is very annoying. You should have kept working and stayed out of the way.

The comments about the tree sound a bit pass-agg - why can’t he put it away? Sounds like he was just generally annoyed and stressed looking after a 2-y-o. Why would you throw away the box?

Why were you working in the living room? That’s crazy to me. Give him some space to do childcare, you should be working in your bedroom or somewhere out of the way.

Why couldn’t you have just swapped car seats over in the cars? I do think the parent doing childcare has priority over the cars. What did you need the car for at 4pm?

It was really kind of him to go out to buy you breakfast, and also seems really unnecessary. Was there nothing in the house you could eat?

So a mixed bag really.

If you were ill you should have been logged off work and resting upstairs away from your family.

Nordix · 30/12/2022 13:34

I often WFH while my DP does childcare at home, so loads of things in your OP sound unreasonable to me

Working in the living room
Asking him to go buy you food
Walking in on naptime/generally wandering round house when you should be at your desk
Not letting him use your car to take the kids somewhere
Begrudging him a poo

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 30/12/2022 13:41

YABVU for preparing food for a child when you have recently vomited...

Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 13:51

I don't think I explained well, we have a small house and the living room is my only working space. He also took the LO up for a nap not because she needed one, because he wanted to have a cigarette and play the PS4 for a bit.. I wasn't begrudging him a poo, I was saying I was meant to be working but he takes 45 mins to do a poo because he wants to play on his phone.. I had no choice but to make her lunch because he was already moaning about being late. I also didn't walk in to wind her up whilst sleeping, I didn't realise he was trying to get her to nap as I was on the phone and he just went upstairs so I went to make sure everything was ok.. yes I am meant to be working but I am allowed to stand up and take a two minute break every now and then.

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Theunamedcat · 30/12/2022 13:56

Why couldn't he take his own car?

Why does she "need" to nap so he can smoke a cigarette?

Why didn't he organise himself earlier so he could get to the party on time instead of deciding when he was already 15 minutes late

Why isn't he making her food especially if your ill

Why can't he take the fucking tree down

He kept a box? OMG how WONDERFUL OF HIM

Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 14:04

His car is awful, it's so old and doesn't even feel safe to have a child in so this is why he uses my car. I am being awkward in regards to the car situation but driving his car gives me such anxiety.. he is good with our daughter but he gets impatient and would happily skip lunch if it meant getting somewhere on time (as he yesterday as he really wanted to go and see his mum) but didn't take or get anything for LO to eat and when he got home he didn't even think to make her lunch so I had to make and feed her, I asked him to do it but he he just sat there..

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Nordix · 30/12/2022 14:49

Well from your update he does sound quite shit.

You need to set up a small desk in your bedroom for WFH - I still think working in the living room is not fair.

He sounds like he’s skiving off looking after your child - 45 minute poo break, fag break. You are making yourself more available by being in the shared living room, and by humouring him.

Go into bedroom at 9am to work, tell him only to disturb you if it’s really necessary, then close the door. When WFH, boundaries is important. That includes not asking him to go fetch you food or interrupting him/winding up LO when he is doing childcare btw, that sounds really selfish and immature. If you were really that ill you shouldn’t have been working or looking after LO at all.

He does sound very lazy and useless, but you need to stop being a martyr and let him fail. Little one isn’t going to starve to death from missing lunch. He’ll realise his mistake when she starts kicking off, and have to detour to the shop for snacks. Just let him get on with it.

The car situation sounds bizarre. If his car isn’t safe, then yes you need to let him use your car to take your child out in the day (both are family cars, surely?). It’s not fair for him to be stuck in the house all day with little one (with you working in the living room!!!) just because you want to use the only good car at 4pm. It does take a long time to get a child ready and out of the house sometimes. Having the 4pm deadline hanging over him is really annoying, I can see why he’d think you were being unreasonable and it made it pointless for him to take the child out at all.

You need to sort out your WFH routine. But it depends - who normally does childcare when you’re both working? How frequently does he do childcare while you’re WFH? More context required I think.

Liz1tummypain · 30/12/2022 14:56

He needs 45 minutes for a poo? Who takes that long? Hope he isn't on his phone when he's on the loo. That is seriously gross.

All the rest of it- you are just both winding each other up. I can't understand why you don't have breakfast food in. Anyway, I think you need to try and look past the pettiness, try and reconcile things and remember each other's good points.all the best, OP.

Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 14:57

She usually goes to nursery so it's only for these three days he has her. I can't work in my bedroom as I have a shoulder / back issue that means I have to sit and our bedroom is so tiny that a desk and a chair wouldn't fit. The living room really is my only option. I understand the car situation but I guess I'm just a bit bitter that when I got my brand new car, my partner was using it for work every weekend whilst I was at home with no way of getting around because he stupidly opened a business that didn't make money for months, left me in debt and meant he didn't have a car for months because he couldn't afford anything. So when it comes to using cars, I guess I do just want to use my own.. I didn't purposely disturb him when he was trying to take her for a nap, I didn't know he had gone up for a nap with her so I went to check everything was ok

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Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 14:59

Liz1tummypain · 30/12/2022 14:56

He needs 45 minutes for a poo? Who takes that long? Hope he isn't on his phone when he's on the loo. That is seriously gross.

All the rest of it- you are just both winding each other up. I can't understand why you don't have breakfast food in. Anyway, I think you need to try and look past the pettiness, try and reconcile things and remember each other's good points.all the best, OP.

He takes that long every time with his phone.. the reason we don't have any food in is because we can't afford it. My partner has only just got a full time job and we are waiting for his pay check today. He is extremely bad with money.

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Nordix · 30/12/2022 15:04

Sounds like an incredible amount to unravel here.

If you don’t have food in because you can’t afford it, why did you send him to buy you breakfast? Sounds like you aren’t very good with money either. There must have been something in if LO had lunch.

Sounds like one of your main problems is not sharing finances better as you are a family unit. It doesn’t sound much like a partnership.

Do you WFH all the time? If so, sell his car and let him use yours to work. You don't need two cars and you can’t afford to run them.

Where were you going at 4pm?

Liz1tummypain · 30/12/2022 15:05

Ok well I take on board what you're saying about food. Sorry things are so tight.and.i.hope you can sort out some kind of budgeting for food as it must be disruptive on your work days if you haven't eaten anything.

That is seriously grim if he's taking his phone in to the loo. I hope he uses antibac wipes on his phone. All the poo bugs! Awful thought.

whattodo1975 · 30/12/2022 15:10

Sounds like you are both as bad as each other and both spoiling for a fight.

Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 15:10

Nordix · 30/12/2022 15:04

Sounds like an incredible amount to unravel here.

If you don’t have food in because you can’t afford it, why did you send him to buy you breakfast? Sounds like you aren’t very good with money either. There must have been something in if LO had lunch.

Sounds like one of your main problems is not sharing finances better as you are a family unit. It doesn’t sound much like a partnership.

Do you WFH all the time? If so, sell his car and let him use yours to work. You don't need two cars and you can’t afford to run them.

Where were you going at 4pm?

I probably didn't explain that well, we haven't done a food shop as didn't have money for a full one which is any we have run out of food but had a little change to get some bits, we had run out of breakfast foods but I have baby porridge in for my LO. I just didn't have a chance yesterday to go and get bread etc. Hence the suggestion of asking my partner to get breakfast instead of me paying extra to use Deliveroo.
We cannot sell another car, I don't usually work from home. Me and my partner both work different hours and need a car each.

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Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 15:12

Liz1tummypain · 30/12/2022 15:05

Ok well I take on board what you're saying about food. Sorry things are so tight.and.i.hope you can sort out some kind of budgeting for food as it must be disruptive on your work days if you haven't eaten anything.

That is seriously grim if he's taking his phone in to the loo. I hope he uses antibac wipes on his phone. All the poo bugs! Awful thought.

Thank you because this bothers me so much he takes his phone in the bathroom! I tell him every time to wipe it especially if he is about to make LO food but sometimes he just laughs and says 'no'

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Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 15:17

You are WFH and poorly, why do you need the car back by 4pm?

Nordix · 30/12/2022 15:17

Kindly, I really don’t think him taking his phone for a poo is the issue here, especially coming from someone who vomited in the kitchen sink and then prepared food for a toddler.

You’ve still not said where you were going at 4pm that was more important than him taking your child out. Staying in all day with a toddler is hell. And they shouldn’t have been stuck in the same room as you all day if you’ve got a tummy bug anyway.

Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 15:19

Nordix · 30/12/2022 15:17

Kindly, I really don’t think him taking his phone for a poo is the issue here, especially coming from someone who vomited in the kitchen sink and then prepared food for a toddler.

You’ve still not said where you were going at 4pm that was more important than him taking your child out. Staying in all day with a toddler is hell. And they shouldn’t have been stuck in the same room as you all day if you’ve got a tummy bug anyway.

I kind of had no choice.. I washed my hands and cleaned up before making food.. I don't purposely do gross things

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Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 15:19

Crunchymum · 30/12/2022 15:17

You are WFH and poorly, why do you need the car back by 4pm?

I have an appointment

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Original poster

donutqueen10 · 30/12/2022 15:22

I haven't got a bug, I am stressed which causes me to be nauseas if I don't get much sleep / rest.

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JudgeRudy · 04/04/2023 01:38

You sound a bit needy tbh, a bit wet. I can't believe you're giving this headspace. 'It hurt' Really? That he thanked you , told you yd did a cracking job but just pointed out that he didn't want those clothes washing at 40degrees. You immediately go all "humble' and try to almost say 'I didn't Sir'....he reassures you its no big deal and no need to apologise but its made you now not want to do anything for him because of his backhanded compliment.
I would not wash someone's clothes that I did not live with. Even ghen, I'd have agreed the 'rules'. You got in wrong....no big deal. He didn't shout or berate you. Its all in your head.
When he asks you in a month's time if you ate the last kit kat will you defend yourself by saying you only had 2 of the 5? Or if he loves you're shephers pie but prefers less salt. Will you cry and not want to cook again? You asked are you over sensitive. Yes. I'd guess he knows that and loves you as you are.
Chill

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2023 01:45

JudgeRudy · 04/04/2023 01:38

You sound a bit needy tbh, a bit wet. I can't believe you're giving this headspace. 'It hurt' Really? That he thanked you , told you yd did a cracking job but just pointed out that he didn't want those clothes washing at 40degrees. You immediately go all "humble' and try to almost say 'I didn't Sir'....he reassures you its no big deal and no need to apologise but its made you now not want to do anything for him because of his backhanded compliment.
I would not wash someone's clothes that I did not live with. Even ghen, I'd have agreed the 'rules'. You got in wrong....no big deal. He didn't shout or berate you. Its all in your head.
When he asks you in a month's time if you ate the last kit kat will you defend yourself by saying you only had 2 of the 5? Or if he loves you're shephers pie but prefers less salt. Will you cry and not want to cook again? You asked are you over sensitive. Yes. I'd guess he knows that and loves you as you are.
Chill

Wrong thread...

JudgeRudy · 04/04/2023 01:47

Yes, I see that now. I really ought go to bed!

BusyMum47 · 04/04/2023 08:50

I'm not being mean but what a fuss about nothing - you sound as bad as each other! You were both in a mood & had a bad day, niggling at each other. It happens. Put it in perspective & get over it.