ASD or narcissism? Difficult mother

[Twocrazycats]

I’ve always had a difficult relationship with my mom, she’s a very complex person with a mental health history of anxiety and depression since she was in her 20s. In the past few years things have gotten much worse and she’s displaying a behavior almost abusive towards my dad, telling him that he’s ruined her life (but she doesn’t want a divorce), insulting him…she’s becoming really aggressive and irrational, and her own family (brother and cousins) is worried about how she treats him. They have told me that she has been difficult and “quirky” since she was a teen, with a high need for attention and validation. This is very extreme, she always complains that people don’t appreciate her enough and tends to overestimate her efforts and, at the same time, minimizes the work other people puts in. She can also be very cruel, I don’t think she wants to hurt but tends to make very hurtful comments and then doesn’t understand why the other person is upset. She says that she’s very honest and hates lying (but she also lies, mostly to strangers, and plays the victim role). She’s socially very withdrawn and always has said she doesn’t really care what other people think of her and doesn’t understand why we do. She can be very rude and blunt, and doesn’t realize. She doesn’t usually enjoy conversations, she disengages easily and is only interested in remembering stories about her childhood and adolescence with her cousins, but won’t talk about other person’s interests or problems. For example, when we (my DB or myself) come to visit she won’t ask anything about our lives and, if we try to tell something about it, she will normally leave and go watch TV. Many of the traits she shows seem narcissistic, in the sense that she needs to be the center of attention constantly, doesn’t take well the slightest criticism (becomes paranoid), can be manipulative and shows a lack of empathy. However, I don’t see any maliciousness in her, she really does want people to love her and, even though she’s not good at showing it, I think she loves us. I was wondering if these behaviours could be signs of ASD that has never been diagnosed and has led to problematic behaviors and patterns…don’t really know what to think, she always makes me so confused, angry and guilty at the same time that I can’t think straight.

Why is it when people display appalling behaviour, ASD is the 'go to'? I am autistic and it's so offensive to read posts like this. When someone is an arsehole, ASD is trotted out as the potential reason.

Autism doesn't just materialise in adulthood. It's present from birth. A neurological difference. I cannot identify with any of the behaviours you've listed for your mother.

You say she's not malicious, yet she's abusive towards your dad, told him he’s ruined her life, she's insulting, really aggressive and irrational. Could it be that she's just a nasty piece of work?

If she's that bad, limit your contact.

I’d say that yes, she’s been quite pandered. And no other family member has a diagnosis, but my younger brother showed several signs as a child (delayed speech, stimming, sensory issues, meltdowns) and I think if it had happened nowadays he would have probably received at least an assessment.

Thanks a lot for sharing your experience. It’s interesting to know that at least the explanation is somewhat helpful

Thanks a lot, I think it’s true that I should probably stop focusing on her behavior and just focus on mine and what’s under my control

Thank you so much, I found this really helpful. I’ll read the book, had never heard about it. I think without even realizing I have focused completely on helping her to feel better and “fix” the situation somehow, but that’s probably a mistake…maybe therapy would be beneficial for me too

I am so sorry this was offensive, it wasn’t my intention at all. I didn’t mean that being abusive, rude and all of that is a sign of autism! My guess is more that, if she’s autistic and didn’t receive any help and support, that could have led to the problematic behaviors she’s having. Since she has problems with social interactions, understanding (or accepting) others’ perspectives and lack of routine I think it could be a possibility. Also, as I mentioned in other post, I think my brother might be autistic too and he’s one of the kindest, most sensitive people I know. So no, I didn’t mean to imply that those behaviours (insulting, manipulating) are typical of autism

Yes, I think it's very easy to fall into a kind of 'parent' role with someone who's like this, and it can be difficult to change that dynamic or to reframe it without taking a step back and reflecting on the situation.

I've tried therapy, reading about those dynamics and reflective journalling over the past few years, and I'd say that while I'm not totally "finished" with the work I need to do on myself (and likely never will be), I'm definitely more at peace with the situation and better able to handle my interactions with her now.

I can now set clear boundaries with her to protect myself, whereas before they were massively blurred, which was awful for my mental health and general wellbeing.

And I find that a lot of the stuff I was really hurt or angry about before doesn't actually get much of my attention now, despite my still not knowing why those things happened in the first place. I didn't think I'd be able to get to this point without finding tangible answers as to why, but it happened through focussing on myself and my own perspective and needs instead of putting all of my energy into her perspective and needs (which was all I ever knew).