To ask who has had success with counselling/therapy?

[SuspiciousBanana]

I have really bad low self esteem and huge self doubt. I’ve never had a successful career and I have very deep self-loathing from my own physical appearance to just how I am as a person. This 100% all stems from being really badly bullied as a child and teenager (lots of other issues related to this and it’s controlled and shaped my entire life). Day to day I can bottle it pretty well and nobody really suspects how bad I am, but as time goes on the self hate and sense of huge failure about myself is intensifying (I’m 44 now so I feel over the hill now in many ways!)

I’m now considering therapy because I can’t face going on like this but I’m worried that it won’t work because my feelings are so deeply rooted. I’m so exhausted with the self-hate it takes up so much of my head space. (As an example I’m currently obsessing about my appearance after seeing one really bad photo of myself and this will go on for ages)

I’ve started looking for therapists locally to me. I know it’s expensive and I don’t know how much it will cost me or how often I’ll have to go. My idea is to go without even telling DH. I don’t want anyone to know because I am still so ashamed of how badly the bullying affected me.

AIBU to wonder if it really does work and it’s worth the money? Who else has had success with it? I’d really love to hear your success stories.

CBT worked for me (albeit for different issues). My GP recommended a few therapists and I saw them privately for 9 sessions (video calls) over about 5 months. I did not think it was going to work to be honest but the GP insisted that I try theraphy before prescribing medication. I was quite surprised that it did work and would go back in a heartbeat. It was expensive but worth every penny in my view.
In terms of telling people, I found that the sessions were exhausting and that I needed dh support. I did not discuss anything specific with him though. At work I asked time off for a recurring medical appointment and nobody asked what exactly the appointments were for.

I’ve had counselling twice and also CBT. I found the second counsellor excellent - she also included hypnotherapy. CBT was a game changer for me. I had 10 sessions (luckily covered for under medical insurance) and it was a game changer. Lots of focus on warped thinking and logic. Good luck.

I had therapy last year at the grand old age of 63 and it helped smooth out some problems I’ve lived with for years. Having someone with a structured, professional external perspective to explain my reactions and point me in the right direction was very helpful.

Sorry to hear how bad you’re feeling.
Unlike PP, CBT was never helpful for me at the times I tried it. What has been really helpful has been a long period (5 years) of regular therapy (holistic, person-centred counselling). This was initially in person but is now over the phone since covid and works better for me that way.
This has helped me feel better about myself, understand difficulties around work (and change jobs), lots and lots of parenting stuff, an ADHD diagnosis, a very difficult period in my marriage that I could have ended but chose not to. Initially I went with nothing specific, just a general feeling that I wanted to change.
I have had periods of depression/ anxiety in the past, treated by antidepressants and sometimes a short course of CBT (that always came when I was feeling better). This has been much more life changing and helpful.
I am about to stop therapy, but will leave a window open to return. I might try some
short single session work if I need it for specific issues. I don’t think that it always needs to be as long term as mine has, but on the other hand I know I would continue to benefit if I carried on. I need to prioritise differently financially for a bit.

I've been going since September 2021 (privately) though to be honest, it didn't resolve the issue I went for - to leave / get over an abusive relationship.

I did get a better job and cut off a toxic friend. Otherwise, I think my low mood is maybe chemical or hormonal.

My last appointment was cancelled so I haven't been for a month and might save money by not going back. I think I'd maybe be better spending the money on changing how I look, gym etc.

I had CBT in my mid-twenties because I was having severe panic attacks. Got diagnosed with both general and social anxiety and spent about two years doing therapy and I wish I had gone sooner. My therapist was amazing and it literally gave me my life back. CBT gave me the ability to manage my anxiety on my own.

My therapy was free on the NHS but I did have to wait a long time for it, and spent time with some therapists before being referred for CBT.

Thank you for your replies, it’s really helpful to read your different perspectives on this.

I’ve always worried that I’d be too “cynical” to benefit from it. I worry that my issues are too deeply embedded to ever be able to resolve if that makes sense!

Although I’ve been on ADs a few times since turning 40, I’ve never spoken to the GP about things as I don’t feel they could really do anything about it. I don’t feel depressed as such but all I’m looking to do is just become a more confident and less caring (of what people might think of me!) version of myself. i want to exorcise the bullying from my mind once and for all! It’s controlled me for almost 40 years!!

You sound like you would really benefit from some therapy. If you can afford it, then private is a good option because you can access it quickly and you have more choice and control. Online or phone can be a bit cheaper.
I was a very cynical person and it took quite some time for me to get past that. I am also not much of a sharer and found it very difficult to talk at first. But working hard in the sessions has helped me to be able to access more self help type stuff as well, so I have been able to use those tools
in between sessions.

EMDR worked for my badly bullied DD (24). The way she explained it to me is that she can think of various incidents but her response now is different and not emotional. She can think and move on. You do need a specialist for it. If you're in Kent I can recommend a practitioner who is a dr and psychologist who could perhaps direct you to the correct therapy if EMDR doesn't suit. Feel free to DM me.

I found schema therapy helpful. It's a deeper form of CBT.

DD is currently undergoing therapy for two issues resulting in PTSD, first issue is no longer affecting her and she has moved forward. Still working on the second with EMDR but there is huge improvement. I believe if you find the right therapist and treatment of the many available, and engage when you are ready it is highly beneficial - well worth a try. Good luck, I do hope it helps you x

5 years of psychoanalysis changed my life. Like you, I had deeply embedded childhood issues which made me go through many bouts of severe depression, as well as having self-esteem issues and being generally angry with the world.

It was proper lie-on-the-couch therapy. I went 3 times a week at first.

If you have a good therapist, cynicism doesn’t come into it. They guide you to insights and accompany you on your journey.

For the first time in my life, I felt unconditional positive regard from someone. That is a powerful thing.

CBT didn’t work for me at all. It gave me a few tools but didn’t treat the root cause of my issues.

I went though a few therapists before the one that changed my life. It’s important there is a good fit.

Good luck!

Sorry, that should say 3 years, not 5.

I had short term CBT which dealt with anxiety issues I was struggling with - it kept me functioning but never really got to the root of the issue. Long term therapy with a person centred therapist was absolutely life changing - I had significant trauma to work through and having space for me with someone who was professional, caring and knowledgeable helped me change my thoughts and feelings, rewire my relationship with myself and others. I’d do it again in a heartbeat- it wasn’t cheap but I’d easily the best money I’ve ever spent.

I had therapy about three years back, I was at a crisis point and almost destroyed my relationship, therapy helped massively.
The way I describe it is unpacking what was in my head and with the help of my therapist, tidying up and repacking. Therapy won't get rid of trauma but it can help you understand how and why we deal with things in certain ways, that for me was key.
Good luck, I hope it brings you what you need.

I’m cynical, opinionated and grumpy. I’ve had counselling a few times. When I’ve clicked with the person it’s been life changing. When I haven’t clicked it’s been a complete waste of money. I need someone who actually listens to me, understands what makes me tick and gives me the science behind some of the techniques they use. I don’t cope with people who are ‘woo bollocks believing nice people’. My advice is to think what sort of approach works best with you and be open about that before you start counselling.

Go to therapy. Consider a few different modalities (google them) and therapists, don’t have to go with the first one you meet. Open your mind to it. Give it time. I hope you come back this time next year feeling free.