To be sad and not want to host NYE?

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A friend of mine died earlier this month. We were friends since school and very close friends in our early twenties but drifted apart in our late twenties. We did remain friends though, catching up a few times a year. She died earlier this month of breast cancer aged only 35. I am grieving and upset and even though we weren’t as close anymore, we were still friends and I will miss her. I just want to allow myself to be sad and I can’t wait for this year to end tbh.

For NYE, DH and I had made plans to go out for an early dinner and then just have a quiet night in. However he’s decided to instead invite friends over and host NYE at ours. AIBU to be annoyed he’s done this?

I want him to cancel as he didn’t ask if I would be ok with the change in plans, but then I’m going to look like a killjoy. These are new friends of his and I don’t know them well. Do I just suck it up for the evening, and just let DH crack on and sort everything out for hosting NYE? I just don’t feel celebratory at the moment.

This is a sad situation where neither of you are being unreasonable. Your wish to quietly mourn is understandable, but so is your husband's wish to be sociable. Could your husband host his friends at a pub/restaurant so you can be alone with your memories?

Really sorry to hear about your friend, OP. However I think you need to separate the issues of DH changing plans and the passing of your friend.

She wasn't a best friend and sad as you are at her passing, by your own admission you weren't close to her anymore and so it seems like a disproportionate reaction to not want to do anything for NYE because of it.

However, I hate NYE regardless and if my DH changed plans from a quiet one to a party, especially without asking, I wouldn't be happy.

Sorry probably not articulating that very well, absolutely not intending that to sound as heartless as it reads I promise!

I’m sorry about your friend.

I’d be annoyed at not being asked, but honestly I’d suck it up and try and make the best of it.

You can have a quiet night in tomorrow night and every other night of the following week.

You saw her a few times a year, that's still a good friend in my book, as an adult. But even if you didn't.. you should just be allowed to wallow and grieve for a while.

I'm sorry for your loss OP, it's a complicated grief when formerly close friends pass. I don't think you're unreasonable here and I think DH is a bit clumsy to invite others round. Perhaps he thought it might help perk you up? See out the year being uplifted maybe? I think you do what's right for you - but I don't think it'll hurt either to have some additional company. I say that v gently, I know it seems more of a hindrance than a help right now.

I'd be annoyed at that the best of times you don't offer to host a party without running it by your partner. Add in the grief and the initial agreement to just have a quiet one and he's being really selfish.

No wonder you don't want to host. You are quite naturally grieving.

Your DH has been very insensitive. I'd also be bloody annoyed about him inviting guests over before discussing it with you first.

It would be awkward to cancel so I think I would go with pointing out he's altered the plans to something you wouldn't have chosen, so the responsibility of hosting the evening is falling on him, as it's the evening he wants. He needs to sort the house, food wine etc. You need to sit back and join in with as much or as little as you want.

Alternatively, could the friends join you for the meal out, as just a small change to your original plans?

I’m sorry for your loss, OP. But even without this detail included, your husband should have asked you. You can’t offer up your house without running it by the other people living there.

YANBU. I'd be annoyed at being expected to host a NYE do that I hadn't volunteered for at any time, to be honest. I'd expect DH to say to me "Shall we invite people over?" before doing so.

I'd be suggesting that he phones 'his' new friends with an apology tomorrow, saying you're not feeling great and can you all meet up in the New Year instead.