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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this a sign of a narcissist mother ? I can’t decide…

6 replies

BorderlineBagpuss · 29/12/2022 19:42

I know that Christmas is fraught for a lot of families and I’m a little hungover so I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable..

Context is that I’m not close to my mother and my brother and I have had therapy over the years because she is an utter cunt. I was beaten a lot as a child and never allowed to be myself.

anyway, over the years we have tried to mend things for the sake of our children who have a healthier relationship with my mother…she’s not a bad grandmother.

Whenever I visit my parents I end up binge eating or drinking because I don’t like being in her company. But this one even today seemed to really sum everything up..

My brother bought two perfumes and said that my mother and I could choose. I said I would like the jasmine, then left the room. I came back a while later and saw that my mother had taken the jasmine one and put it elsewhere.

I couldn’t believe it. I would never deprive my children of something they wanted just because I wanted it. I think it is contrary to parental instincts.

The fact that my mother had taken what she wanted then removed it…it really seemed to illuminate her hatefulness to me.

But I don’t know if it’s just normal - am I reading our entire history into it, or was what she did really cuntish ? AIBU ? Or is she unreasonable ?

OP posts:
Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 29/12/2022 19:51

The perfume thing on its own, hmm. I think you’re reading your history into it. Was it left to you and your mum to agree which of you would have each perfume? If so I think it was a bit rude for you as an adult to declare what you wanted and leave the room without coming to an agreement. It sounds like neither of you acted in a particularly adult way tbh.

BorderlineBagpuss · 30/12/2022 15:53

@Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink yes that is a very fair point. I think you’re right, thank you.

OP posts:
NewMoonPhase · 30/12/2022 16:14

I don't think the perfume is the issue. I wouldn't spend time with someone who beat me.

GinIronic · 30/12/2022 16:19

Cruel narcissistic mothers do not become loving and caring grandmothers. Don’t be fooled. Start disengaging from her. You said that she would beat you as a child - what makes you think she won’t beat your children when they “deserve it”?

Slimjimtobe · 30/12/2022 16:20

I think the best way is to say nothing but if mine beat me I wouldn’t be around her much (Mike slapped and had an angry temper with a rubber slipper but not once I was ten)

Burgoo · 30/12/2022 16:22

People can be unpleasant and NOT be narcissistic. In fact I believe that phrase is massively over-used. From my experience, true narcissists are so "good" at it that you wouldn't even know they are doing it.

We need to really resist the urge to scream "NARCISSIST!" at anyone who is a bit self-absorbed and uncaring - that is NOT what it is.

On a side note, why are you torturing yourself? If you don't like being around her, don't. Don't be a martyr (that in itself is very self-focused just FYI!)

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