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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Does he have a chance of custody?

16 replies

purplebutterfly121 · 29/12/2022 19:29

I split up with my DD father 8 years ago. Over this time he has been very difficult to co-parent with and I've had to call police due to a number of incidents against me - 1 occasion violent, another occasion he smashed my car window and other times are due to general harassment. Despite this DD loves him and I have continued to make contact work consistently as he hasn't been abusive to her - although I believe he is a narcissist and this is damaging to her but there's no diagnosis.

Our issues have escalated over the last few months and is now he's refusing to send DD back to my house. I have seen her seen school broke up before Xmas. I am the resident parent.

This week he has reported me to SS as 3 months ago, I broke one of DDs toys as she wasn't listening, I gave her chances and I had a moment of madness and as I had said I'd break it if she didn't listen, I carried it out. This was a moment where I was at my wits end and didn't know how to get her to see that there was repercussions to her behaviours. I regret it.

Due to this incident and the fact he hates me, he's threatening full custody and I just wanted opinions as to whether he is likely to get it or not. He's started the court process and has called SS twice in the last two weeks over the same issue with the toy.

He hasn't paid CMA for over 2 years which is evidenced although he does work. I have crime references for every time I've had to report him over the years and SS have these logged also. I've had a house move due to his behaviour and a womens DA charity supported me through this. He lives with a partner and he isn't on the mortgage.

Does he stand a chance? He's good with his words and fooling people and while I am getting a lawyer involved and this is due to go to court soon, I just want the reassurance if a parent like him can actually get custody. My thinking is he can't afford to pay for a child, has a record of abuse and doesn't actually have a fixed address where he is named on the mortgage/tenancy.
Does this make a difference?

OP posts:
purpleboy · 29/12/2022 19:49

Hey op, this sounds horrible, have I understood that he has your DD and won't return her?

DairyDiary · 29/12/2022 19:53

He’s excruciatingly unlikely to get full custody. Highly, highly, highly unlikely.

There are a lot more factors to consider to determine what division is likely but it won’t be full custody to him.

milkymeg · 29/12/2022 19:59

What's happening right now? Do you have an emergency hearing to get her returned as you're RP?

pastypirate · 29/12/2022 20:06

Are you in the uk? There's no such thing as custody in the uk unless you mean detained in a police cell.

Thatiswild · 29/12/2022 20:15

Have you called the police to report him not returning her as per your usual agreement? Or SS or whoever is involved? I think that’s the first thing to do if not. This is awful, he’s highly unlikely to get full custody.

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 29/12/2022 20:19

What's his current contact agreement?

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 29/12/2022 20:20

Also, how old is she?

Does she want to live with him?

purplebutterfly121 · 29/12/2022 20:29

I've called the police and they did a welfare check on Xmas day but were unable to get DD as there is no court order. Her dad said to police im welcome to collect DD form theres but when I went to arrange it, he refused to let me collect her. I called the police but they wouldn't do anything, however, it is logged on the system and I have a reference number.

I have spoken to her dad since posting and he said DD will be returned on Saturday - we will see. If he doesn't return her, I am aware I can go to the nearest family court on Monday morning and get an emergency hearing. I'm prepared to do this but wanted this to be the last option. I think he will return her but is keeping on with the SS calls and court process and painting me out to be a horrible mum. I'm really not :-(

I welcome the courts getting involved as I should have got this in place years ago but we would have long periods of time when things would be amicable then kick off again. Im just worried about the toy incident and how bad that looks on me.

OP posts:
purplebutterfly121 · 29/12/2022 20:31

She's 10.

We had an agreement we made between ourselves of 3/4 weekends with him and half holidays. This did work generally other than him cancelling last minute when he had other things on.

He hadn't seen DD for a couple months (his choice), and she missed him so I agreed for him to have her from school holidays and bring her back Xmas day pm.

OP posts:
purplebutterfly121 · 29/12/2022 20:33

I don't think she really knows what she wants. I was open to 50/50 from secondary school as I'd send her to a school near to us both but now I'm really reconsidering this as I think he is very manipulative and maybe it's not the best option for her. She loves him though but kids tend to love their parents no matter how they treat them.

OP posts:
purplebutterfly121 · 29/12/2022 20:35

@pastypirate apologies if the post wasn't clear enough for you - we aren't talking about police cells/custody, I'm talking about who has primary residency of our DD.

OP posts:
marlowe5 · 29/12/2022 20:37

@purplebutterfly121 where are you based? Just wondering if I can recommend you a good solicitor if you are near where I was when I had all this situation. I found a brilliant one after years of dealing with duds. I had all this awfulness years ago and wouldn't wish it on anyone.Flowers

itsgettingweird · 29/12/2022 20:39

The Roy thing is unlikely to be a massive deal in SS eyes.

All parents do twattish things we regret when we get stuck with discipline and following through.

Just tell SS you regret it. Realised how wrong it was right away and would never do it again.

Whatever you do - don't lie and don't end that with "but he's done ....." or they'll think you're minimising it.

Also it won't look good on him when he's cancelled contact previously, harasses you etc and then refused to return his DD.

In fact - if he refuses to return her for safeguarding reasons which seems to be his current position and then returns her anyway it'll completely downplay those concerns he apparently had. I'd not mention that to him though!

GettingItOutThere · 29/12/2022 20:46

get to court and an emergancy hearing. Are they not open this week?

purplebutterfly121 · 31/12/2022 15:46

Just an update - I got DD back today! Proceeding with court process!

OP posts:
milkymeg · 31/12/2022 17:39

Super happy for you OP ❤️

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