I find my mother in law a bit much

[Jcol28]

A tale told many times before I’m sure and I often have to catch myself and think ‘she means well’ but lately my MIL has been a bit overbearing.

She constantly says she doesn’t see her grandson enough - she sees him at least fortnightly. It was weekly for childcare but the sickness cycle from nursery was just too much for them as they’re in their 70’s and have their own health issues. When we explained why we needed to reduce it to once a fortnight (for their own benefit) she was rather resistant and didn’t like the thought of not seeing him once a week. One thing that really bothers me is that she’ll say she’s fine to look after him then it will surface on the day once she’s arrived or the day after that she’s actually sick herself. And the sickness spiral starts again.

She’s great with him, but she’s not great at following our routine and tends to do her own thing. I have to remind her about nap times every time - and they’re always well off schedule. She calls him ‘my baby’ - I find that weird I won’t lie.

She always texts me directly, not her son and not on the family group for anything she wants information on - and it’s always paragraphs, often I’m late to reply as I’m sure most of you can appreciate there’s a lot going on with a 1YO!

Whenever she comes to our house she brings cleaning supplies, her own food to feed my son, household stuff and she always says ‘I hope you’re not offended’.

Am I being irrational, is this all a bit much? Should I just appreciate what she does. My husband has tried speaking to her about the stuff she brings round but it’s made zero difference so far.

Yeah it's hard to get the balance right. You want her to see your child but I agree it's overbearing. Completely. All I can say is to come up with your preferred plan and let her know. Say how you're handling childcare on the days she isn't seeing him and stick to it. Involve your partner so he's on the same page and get him to deal with her if/ when she pushes for more.

You can always say you'll see them on some of t he e weekends . Make the plan, let her know and keep to it.

Whenever she comes to our house she brings cleaning supplies, her own food to feed my son, household stuff

Mental and controlling. I wouldn’t put up with it. As is so often said on here, she’s had her turn. It’s your baby. You decide what to feed your baby. Tell her she has to stop all this. It’s very rude.

I'd stop the texting straight away, just reply with "no idea, ask DH"

Let her bring food but don't let it change your plans. If you were planning on serving shepherds pie, serve it and say you'll save her stuff for later.

It's a bit shit she's not following his routine when she has him as that's for his benefit and she should respect that - but the bringing food and cleaning stuff, WTF?

Your DH needs to have a very firm word. Again.

Put boundaries in op she sounds a nightmare. I had mine in creche mid week so used call her at weends. Dont tell her much as just comments

Thanks everyone, glad to know I’m not going crazy!

I could go on and on with examples but another recent one is that DH and I made the decision to get rid of his dummy at 13 months before he’d made the association with it and was asking for it etc. admittedly it has affected his sleep at night, but we needed to do it at some point and we felt it was a good time.

She frowned at us when we told her, would say ‘but he’s my baby, and he loves his dummy and I just want to make him happy’ and ‘(DH) had a dummy until he was 2 and it never did him any harm’ - drove.me.mental! And when he did have the dummy we tried to restrict it to naps and sleep, she said we were cruel and I’d often catch her giving it to him in the day. I’d take it out and another one would appear…

I share your frustration. My MIL is really cheeky and just seems to have absolutely no filter or awareness that what she’s saying is ridiculously rude. It can be really small things but they all add up. I made her a cup of tea on Christmas Day and she made a huge thing of shouting through to the kitchen to ask ‘WHAT KIND OF TEABAGS ARE THESE?!’ I ignored her the first time, hoping my husband would answer. The second time I replied saying the brand. She screwed her face up and I was feeling brave so asked if she didn’t like it. She acted as if it was petrol she was drinking and went ‘no’ 🤢 I then jokingly said ‘bring your own then!’ and she said she would 🤔 When I go to someone’s house, they could serve me the most vile cup of tea I’ve ever tasted in my life and I’d drink it regardless for fear of looking rude. She just doesn’t care at all!
Laughing at the bringing food for husband thing as she does absolutely nothing to help us ever but makes a huge thing of bringing a tub of soup she’s made for my husband every time. She mentions it again and again too. Even seeing it in my fridge bugs me, that’s the stage I’ve reached with her 😂😂 but have to bite my tongue a lot of the time

@Allgoodthings1 oh my goodness I can relate so much! I can’t handle the no filter thing whatsoever, if we go to a restaurant that serves anything other than meat, veg and potatoes it’s a frown at the menu and rudeness to the wait staff - all makes me VERY uncomfortable.

@Jcol28 yip she does the fake frown thing too! It really doesn’t take much to just be polite to people, I don’t get it at all. We went out for dinner with my family and his to a fancier restaurant than we’d usually go to and the deserts were a sort of platter served all over the table for people to take one from each. She took a bit of one and did a really dramatic boke at the table 😳 I could of died off. I had warned my family before it but my sister was about crying laughing at her 😂😭

Also for some completely unknown reason she has it in her head that I’m a picky eater. I’m coeliac so I literally can’t eat gluten, but I’m not picky - I’ll literally eat anything put in front of me provided it’s gluten free! But whenever she cooks something she always says ‘I’m not sure you’re going to like it, I know you’re quite particular’ I’m not! I just can’t eat gluten, that’s it!

@Allgoodthings1 oh my goodness 😂 I think I would have been with your sister on that one!

@Allgoodthings1 .

Perhaps your mil could have Framed it better but I think that's a good sign that she feels comfortable to say she doesn't like the tea bag.

My friend sometimes gets a lady grey here which he hates and prefers normal tea.
I'd hate to think he was sat there scared to say anything incase I got offended over a tea nag.

@Jcol28 laughing at the gluten thing 🤣 I have a little boy so always think I will NEVER be that MIL. It really isn’t hard just to be nice!

@ZeViteVitchofCwismas if the tea bag was the first rude thing that had ever happened it wouldn’t be an issue but it’s multiple really cheeky comments every time we see her. She once opened a Christmas present from me then phoned my husband later that day while we were having Christmas dinner with my family to ask to give us it back and have the cash in return 😳 The next day we had to go up there, I was mortified as my husband handed her cash and took the gift back

I know where you're coming from, but when you have a MIL who doesn't lift a finger to help and criticises everything in your house, I'd actually love it if she thought, oh I will go clean up the mess I made in the bathroom, the hair I left in the sink, hoover the floor whilst my DiL feeds her baby, toddler, cooks dinner, washes up etc etc.

Apparently gluten free is either a preference or an actual serious dietary need

@Jellybean2023 true - it’s getting that balance isn’t it. Help, but don’t take over and certainly don’t just change the routine entirely. Ultimately I guess it’s a communication issue as things often are. But I fear that as much as I might adjust my communication (and I do have to reframe things and be as diplomatic as possible when she makes comments) I don’t think she ever will. Her and my husband have come to a head on many an occasion - she’s unfiltered and truth be told quite passive aggressive at times. It’s hard. DH is also an only child, is it’s just us providing grandchildren. The only family she sees regularly.

@ZeViteVitchofCwismas yep haha and for me it’s the latter! So it’s not like I’m looking at a menu and selecting the salad because it’s healthy - it’s because it’s usually the only thing I can eat! But I think she has it in her head that I’m a fussy eater even though she knows I’m coeliac.

After I had my son my MiL said ‘it’s so nice you’re not obsessed with your appearance or the housework now’.
Obsessed with neither but good to know she thinks I’m a slovenly slut now 👌

@AnneTwackie 😂😂😂 I am a fellow slovenly slut

Op bringing her own stuff and not respect your request is very rude

None of the stuff your MIL has done is a problem in my mind.

Mine was painting the fucking kitchen door.

My ex mother in law still called her son my little soldier in his 40s .Brought around her own toilet rolls and expected my daughter(her step granddaughter) to sit on floor so her granddaughter could sit on chair.Part of the cause that we parted company after 8 years.Speak up I'd advise 😊