AIBU to want to scream at this?

[Sqqueeeeeeee]

I’m ill. I had covid mid-Nov and then got a chest infection afterwards (as I have every time I’ve had covid). I eventually got antibiotics for the chest infection a couple of weeks ago, finished the course and still have it. Feel horrendous. A few days ago, probably unrelated, I started with diarrhoea and vomiting too. My patience is, therefore, very thin!

I have two DCs. A loud, shouty, cuddly, crashy 3yo DS and a clingy, EBF, wriggly, also unwell DD. I am being touched by at least one of them every, single waking second.

DH insists on having the house lit up like an office building all the time. He refuses to use lamps, he turns the main lights on and leaves them on even when he leaves even in the middle of the day. It’s completely unnecessary and drives me insane even when I’m not ill. He also insists on all noise being as loud as humanly possible. Everything is shouted, even if I’m right next to him (no hearing problems), he makes noise constantly even when he’s not talking - huffing, saying “urm” for no reason just to fill silence, crashing into everything he could contact. Loading cutlery into the dishwasher sounds like a full-blown sword fight. We’ve been watching shit TV (because you need shit TV when you’re ill) and every time I turn my back, he’s turned the TV back to full volume even though I’ve repeatedly said it’s painfully loud and hurting my head.

I want to scream at the sensory overload. It feels like I’m being touched, shouted at and torched all at once. I just want to lay down alone in silence and darkness.

How do I get him to understand that he needs to quieten down and turn the lights off? Feel like I’ve tried everything.

That sounds really awful.
First off I think you need time to recuperate. Recent research shows that covid attacks your immune system and you have to rebuild it. I think you need to tell him that and it isn't just a case of bouncing back, it makes you susceptible to it her things. Ypu are probably run down as well. I would try sitting him down and telling him you are exhausted. Show him you post if necessary.

Has he had a hearing test?

And try this

When you turn the sound up when I've asked you not to, I feel angry and annoyed because you aren't paying attention to my needs. Do you think you can turn it down and keep it down?

What he is doing is paying no attention to your needs. You need him to do his bit.

Oh God! I have no useful advice honey - but I feel for you. Honestly, couldn't live life like this. Genuinely couldn't. Why won't he listen to you ?

@Exasperatednow Definitely no hearing problems. Drives me nuts though. DH is very aware of me needing to get better and seemingly very supportive but every time I blink it feels like he’s making more noise or turning something else on. He’s being really helpful by (for example) loading the dishwasher but it’ll make so much noise that I just wish he wouldn’t do it at all.

@Forestfire12345 Clearly I’m not asking him loudly enough!! I’ll get a shouting, flashing neon sign that says “shut the fuck up” and hope that works 😂😭

Have you tried being really really loud when you talk to him. Although that is a bit passive aggressive.

Does he get other things that are from someone else's perspective?

It's probably even more annoying when you are tired and ill and it feels like there is very little of you left after everyone else has had their piece. So the bits that are left feel raw and exposed and even less insulated against things like noise.

That’s so true that it’s actually poetic. That’s exactly how I feel. That’s it. I feel like a raw lump of meat with all these shreds pulled off me and that all these things (the light, the noise, the touching, the cold) are burning against me. I don’t feel like I’m even a person right now.

I think you need to tell him that.

I have and now he’s being all cute and sweet and I can’t be grumpy (still bloody shouting).

I think in your shoes OP, I would dump baby and little one on their father, and go and lock myself in the bathroom, and have a nice hot bath. Stay in it for at least an hour, topping up the water as necessary to keep warm. Light a few candles, then shut your eyes and relax. Hopefully when you get out you'll feel a little bit better. Then tell him what you've told us, and if he still can't see it, and you can afford it (I know a lot of people can't right now) go and check into a nearby hotel for 24 hours. Alternatively, if your Mum lives close by, could you go to her, without the kids for 24 hours, and let her pamper you for a while, I know that's what my Mum would have done in this situation. I do hope you feel better soon.

Wait until he falls sound asleep and then stand over him rattling your largest loudest pans together screaming about what to do for dinner tomorrow, see if that gets the message across. Play acid jazz at ten million decibels for good measure.

Obviously don't actually do this. I feel for you OP, I value silence and peace very highly so can't imagine living with such a bull in a china shop. Maybe download one of those decibel measuring apps just to show him how loud he is?

Do this

@Stopthebusplease That sounds lovely but not feasible with DD being EBF. She’s unwell and is on me relentlessly. I can’t drive at the moment either and no hotels or relatives in walking distance. DH does understand, he’s just so oblivious and forgetful. He just shouts everything!

@BreviloquentBastard It’s funny you should mention that because both our Apple Watches often chime up saying the noise levels around us are too loud when DH is talking. I’ve always said he’s like Brian Blessed and he’d laugh - a few weeks ago I discovered he didn’t know who Brian Blessed was and was just going along with it 🙄

I can understand why it's hard to bear bright lights and loud noises but it can be equally difficult to bear low lights and low volumes. It just depends on your perspective.

That sounds really difficult OP. No particular advice but below made me laugh because it also happens in my house. Drives me up the wall and I don’t have all the other things going on you do.

Loading cutlery into the dishwasher sounds like a full-blown sword fight.

Get well soon and start wearing noise cancelling headphones in the house would be my suggestion.

OK, I can understand that perhaps you can't leave the baby, but at the very least for the next few days, take an hour EVERY day/evening, to have that long hot bath ALONE, uninterrupted by any knocking on the door, asking questions etc. Tell your DH you NEED that peace and quiet to get better. Then once you're well again, build that hour a day into your life, let him be the Daddy and you get some ME time, after all it's only an hour, and can make such a difference!

I realise people always leap to LTB, but if this went on and on in my house, I think I would. I'm at breaking point once every few weeks with fucking noise (toddler and baby, same as you....baby teething and also learning how much he loves to yell and roar, plus fucking cat going on and staring at his bowl even though he has his damn food). Thankfully aside from an inability to turn door handles when closing them, so the latch crashes in as it shuts, DH is a very quiet person. Realised the other day that his family do the door handle thing too, as his parents were crashing around shutting doors while the kids slept 🙄
I've only been ill 3 weeks but no way I could cope with that level of noise, particularly if it was an adult who honestly should give a shit enough to shut the f up. And I don't just mean when ill, I mean all the time. Honestly I would be really blunt and say if he doesn't start to respect your needs in this, you need to figure out different arrangements such as the TV not being on while you're around etc. or subtitles only - that'll show him! And say if that doesn't change things you may need to sort out something more drastic. I understand that a loud voice is hard to tone down, but absolutely no reason the TV needs to be turned up high for example. Maybe buy a sound meter and if it hits a certain unsafe decibel, throw it at him.

I had similar with DP, who can go to sleep with the Big Light shining directly into his face.

After his last near death experience, when he had switched on the living room, the kitchen, the downstairs bathroom, the hall, the landing, the spare room, the bathroom and the big light on as I was in deep sleep, only to find me reacting as though my ex had just come into the room, he stopped.

A way that doesn't involve a shrieking, hysterical woman at the end of her sensory tether flailing around ready to fight for her life would be;

Remove the light bulbs, making sure that the only ones that remain are essential - kitchen, bathroom, stairs. Adequate lamps and task lighting should be available, but the only reason big lights should be available for this training process are for cooking, shaving and escape in the event of a nocturnal emergency. Disconnect any additional speakers and hide the wire. Relocation of remote controls is another option. Anything switched on but unattended is switched off and unplugged. Anything bellowed at you is treated as though it's in Serbo-Croat. Familiarise yourself with the location of the circuit breakers for lights and power sockets. Invest in some noise cancelling earbuds for yourself (an eye mask is also useful). One week is a good start, might need two to break the habits. And the children are also very likely to sleep better as a result.