To be sick of DH inability to cook

[Friarclose]

DH have been together 9 years. He cannot cook. He is the sort of person who will heat up some fish fingers and chips and tell everyone he cooked. I do 90% of the dinners here and his dinners are always just beige stuff with chips.

I am by no means Nigella but I'm an OK cook, have a small repertoire of dishes, mainly bog standard stuff the dc will always eat - spaghetti bol, roasts, shepherd's pie, sweet and sour, soups, that kind of thing. I've taught myself to do this over the years as in my twenties cooking was dumping a bit of salad cream over the top of pasta!

Tonight I asked DH if he could do dinner. Tortellini and jar sauce. Really can't get easier, 2 mins in the water. He's just served up what looks like soggy paper, all filling fallen out, mushy and horrible, inedible. Oh i got distracted when it was boiling"

I am so. Sick. Of. This.

He's 40, not a student. I have lost my shit slightly, now he's walking around like a sad child. AIBU to stop cooking for him?! He has no problem eating and enjoying everything I make but has zero interest in learning even basic cooking skills and I have really had it.

My dh is similar. The difference being that he recognised he needed to step up when I went back to work after 12 years as a SAHM. We've put strategies and short cuts into place and it mostly works now.

However, your dh needs to recognise the need and be willing to make the effort. Until he does that it won't be solved.

Alexa

Why can't he teach himself? This would be such an enormous turn off for me I would have sifted him out in the early days, sorry. Cooking lessons for his next birthday is a good idea

Yanbu, but…

In our house its exactly the same. I cook nice meals every day and he thinks ‘fending for himself’ (peanut butter sandwich every time) is doing me a huge favour. When he HAS to do food for me its always rice made in the automatic rice cooker with a tin of tuna tipped out on top of it. If I say I don’t want that he tells me he can’t do anything else.

What does he do for work? He’s a physicist. I kid you not.

He just thinks like cleaning the bathrooms, cooking is beneath him. For right or wrong I don’t complain because he drives and does the garden and its agreed that I won’t be learning the former at the age of 52 and I have zero interest in the latter, just like him and cooking.

I’ve just had my dinner but I want pasta with salad cream now.

Did he also think and acknowledge that the dish he made was bad/inedible, or did he genuinely not see the difference between his effort and properly-cooked tortellini? If he doesn't see the difference and happily eats anything that's technically edible, I don't think you're going to be able to get him cooking reasonable food ... unless somehow you can convince him that it's critical to pay attention and follow the directions exactly. If he can do that consistently, he can bcomee a reliable/competent basic cook although probably not a notably good or creative one.

While I understand that it's annoying if he genuinely can't cook anything anyone else can eat even in a pinch, and especially that he can't feed his own children, I also think the overall picture makes a difference. If your relationship is great otherwise, is it that awful if you end up agreeing that you'll do most/all of the cooking and he has sole responsibility for various other (and equally complicated/time-consuming) things that you may not like doing or may be less good at?

YANBU. He's either being pathetic or deliberately being useless so that he doesn't get asked to cook. Distracted while it was boiling?! Set a bloody timer next time, you chump!

@Fathercrossmas are you married to my DH?
On top of this on the rare occasion he does cook from scratch, not only does he use all the pans and a ton of ingredients, he needs me to sous-chef ie cook the rice/ pasta to go with it, uses a load of oil/ butter/ cream and goes on and on ad infinitum about how he made it, how fabulous it is, how its better than any take away etc etc etc. 🥱

I've told him I want him to learn one recipe and make it. Just one.

This is certainly not the first time he's ruined food for those who think I'm being overdramatic. I have lost count of the amount of soggy pasta, burnt chips, charred pizza... list goes on

He offered to pay for a takeaway but I'm in a foul mood now so having chocolate and gin for dinner 🍸

Looking forward to seeing what recipe he chooses...

Mine lived on cheerios, work canteen lunches and peanut butter sandwiches until he was 34 so he’s do that.

So I think its likely OP’s DH would just eat beige.

Some people just cannot cook! What CAN your OH do that you're shit at?
My DH can cook anything, he's a proper whizz in the kitchen but he has zero ability to see mess, dirt and clutter. If he was on his own his house would be like something off Hoarders but he'd be well fed.

I think yavvvu, it doesn't sound like he deliberately cannot cook. Cut the guy some slack.

See this is what I’m afraid of! Sometimes I take a deep breath and remind myself to be thankful that mine doesn’t do this!

Mine is like this too. I also cook 90% of the dinners and the times my husband makes dinner it's nuggets and chips (kept in the freezer for friends children). What annoys me most is when he claims having 'made dinner' when actually he has just heated up frozen processed food. I could do that myself with zero effort but I don't want to eat crap for dinner.

Mine had for Xmas a voucher for a cooking class as did his friend. They really enjoyed it. He's a much better Cook than me now

www.bodnant-welshfood.co.uk/upcoming-events

This kind of class

I do nearly all the cooking - partly because I enjoy it, I'm also better at it than DH. He'll have a go but isn't a natural cook

However, he cleans up after I have cooked and does all the rest of the housework.

And, if he is responsible for a meal and I thank him he always points out that he has only heated stuff - not cooked.

It works for us, but I can imagine it wouldn't suit some people.

So many threads about ridiculous men children today.

OP this would piss me right off. Good luck to you in dealing with it, it's not fair on you at all

@shreddies I think it all comes to a head at this time of year tbh. I can fully understand why January is divorce month!

My DH hates it. At a push he can do frozen pies, mash (from scratch) and veg. Could also do a cooked breakfast, a basic spag bol (no seasoning though so horrid) and can happily chuck things in the slow cooker. Anything else he cannot be arsed.
I therefore do 95% of the cooking.
However, I haven’t ironed in decades and he does 70% of the housework.
Works for us.

The difference between not cooking and not driving / gardening / ironing etc is that all those are ultimately optional. Eating isn't. For those who think it might be genuine that someone really can't, please explain why a functioning adult could not read a packet that says "put x in pan for ten mins with boiling water. Stir in sauce". I mean really. A functioning adult who can participate in a relationship, have a job etc..there is no excuse other than strategic incompetence.

Just stop the restaurant service until he learns to cook. How he organises that is his problem not yours.

Agree it's post Christmas peak wankerdom.

I hate cooking too. I didn't used to mind it, but after 16 years of parenting I'm over it.

But guess what - I have to do it or my kids won't eat (single parent). For fucks fucking fucks sake

If I didn't know he doesn't come on here I would think you were DH!

He is 65 (nearly) and taught himself to cook as a student. When his Dad expressed surprise then your quoted post is almost word for word what DH told his Dad.

Anyway fast forward nearly half a century and FIL is in his 90s, living alone and learning to cook himself all sorts of things. Often asks for recipe tips when he stays with us and is starting to batch cook so he has things in the freezer.

At 40 your DH is being deliberately pathetic and you do right to express your annoyance. Don't let him think this display of incompetence gives him a free pass in the future.

Some people just cannot cook!

Nonsense! How (barring disability)?! You just follow instructions. You might not be good at it at first, but nobody is. You practise and improve.

Wow, your bar is low! I'm glad I don't live with an incompetent manchild.

OP, I understand your frustration. If he can read and set a timer then he should be able to make tortellini.

Exactly. I taught FIL to make pesto. He was stunned at how good a few ingredients in a blender could taste.

However, I'd rather cook than clean. Does he do all the washing up and clean the kitchen?