To want to talk through every word said in arguments?

[Lis1992]

If you have an argument with a family member , do you obsess over clarifying every word after? Like if they said something hurtful in anger would you bring it back up or just move on?

Life's to short - we all have those I wish I'd said x y z or not said a b c

I used to have a habit of doing that bit then it usually ended up in me digging a hole for myself and then asking for more clarification over new things said. I've decided therefore it's easier if the person says "I didnt mean it that way" to let the rest of it go. Most people talk crap when they are angry.

No. Absolutely not.

Dissecting arguments is choosing to examine words chosen without thinking, when someone is angry.

It's like shopping when you're hungry. Not useful for anyone.

I move on. Ripping someone’s argument apart again is goady.

Good god, just move on!

It's not helpful and usually just starts up the argument again.

Move on. My Dh likes to analyse every word before we are allowed to "be friends" again. It's so frustrating and exhausting. So if for example he's been on at me all day about something - when am I doing the recycling for example - and I snap and say stop harassing me and an argument starts. When we are making up he will go on and on about why I used the word harassed instead of something else like bothering, bugging etc and will want to analyse why I used that word and what it means about how I feel about it. Absolutely does me in.

It's pointless. I used to do this, usually subconsciously trying to find a way to 'win'. Now I just focus on what is actually being communicated, not the precise wording.

"I may as well live alone because you never do the washing up"... could be picked over as "Oh so you think you should live alone, so we should break up? And 'never' isn't true because I did it last Wednesday so now you're lying too", or it could be seen as someone trying to communicate they feel underappreciated or like their burden of housework is too high.

Once you start seeing what's being communicated, you start communicating better. DH and I used to have useless rows about pointless wording of things that were never addressing the real issues. We made an effort to stop doing that and start asking "...so are you saying you feel like I could do more round the house?" and now it's second nature to communicate that way, instead of through other words. Instead of "Why are you being pissy today, Mr Housemaus?!" it's "Something's wrong, do you want to talk about it?". Instead of "How are you not capable of closing the dishwasher, Housemaus?*" it's "I feel like you see cleaning the kitchen as solely my job and it makes me resentful".

It's a lot easier (*except the dishwasher, I have a blind spot. Sorry DH).

@Lis1992 some things said to me by my hubby i do think about and think how could he say those things to me but tbh i don't bring it up. There's no point it'll just start another argument x

No. Make like Elsa.

@wibblewobbleball If you ever want an alibi just PM me.

I don't know how long you've put up with that level of passive aggressive nitpicking but I salute you.

I really don't know how your marriage can survive this. He's an insufferable bully.

I do think word choice says a lot, and reflects how we actually feel. So feel it can be useful to ask why certain words were chosen but also that sometimes we have to accept that that was a true reflection of how that person was feeling and move on.

My brother does this. He will cause an argument with me then the following day apologise and then a few months later bring back the first one when everything is calm in order to goad me into an argument. I have realised it is my response to his disrespect that he craves as he can then make me out to be the crazy one. It is a very toxic trait. We have been nc for a while now.

Only in the shower the following day

Where I wittily win the argument

My DH does this too, goes over everything over and over, insisting that I said something I didn't or he didn't say say something (he did) and I'm "putting words in his mouth". Drives me insane, I just try to tune it out.

I hate arguing and will do anything to avoid it, doesn't work though

No, that would drive me nuts. It sounds incredibly tedious.

But I'm also careful to not say things I would regret in an argument.

It is a HORRIBLE hectoring trait.

It's incredibly tiring being with someone like this - my girlfriend sometimes does it and I want to scream inside. We had a bit of a row on the 23rd, nothing major but a few frustrations came out, then today, 6 days later I'm having a conversation about it. Much calmer, but we made up and moved on that same day - discussing it a week later just doesn't seem necessary and feels a waste of energy when we'd agreed what each other needed to change.

No, I find that a very destructive approach OP

you apologise and move on

Christ NO! People use the wrong words in the wrong context when angry or frustrated. Well I certainly do.
If the person I'd rowed with then wanted to hold an inquest over every word I'd lose my shit completely. And the relationship would be toast.

Tedious and controlling nit picking from someone who clearly doesn't want the argument to end until the other person self flagellates with the cry 'yes I'm awful, you are as ever right!!