Why are people so ungrateful...

[DilemmaADay]

This has happened twice now and is making not want to be such a martyr again. Both include helping friends and their DPs move into new properties.

Instance 1 was a while ago now. Friend I was flatsharing with was moving in with her DP and her DP was due to come, pick up the van and stay too so we could move everything in the morning. Well the DP comes bursting through the door at 11pm making us absolutely shit ourselves, absolutely hyped up he's got the van and wants to do everything now now now. We spent a good hour or so loading the van before I said it was unfair on the neighbors and we should wait till morning. Nope. The DP wanted to do it now so I left him to it and went to bed. The next morning, the DP was loading the van so me and friend got stuck in and the three of us managed to load everything up before midday. We decided to go to the local cafe as a treat. Friends DP got himself and friend a sandwich and drink, and didn't offer to get me anything despite spending some my weekend helping. He went back to get himself a cake and reluctantly had to ask if I wanted one too as he needed to hit the £5 limit for card and friend didn't eat cake.

Instance two, I drove 100 miles one way to help a friend with some housework that needed doing. We spend a large proportion of the day sticking these sticky back plastic tiles to a wall, did a pretty good job between us. The DP walked in, got himself a drink (didn't offer) and said the tiles looked a bit wonky and walked off. No thank you Dilemma for travelling to help us with our house! We went for takeaway Thai food afterwards. Dfriend got a seat and her DP queued up with me. He ordered food for him and friend and then walked off leaving me to order my own. I was speechless. Not even a thanks for coming all this way to help out.

Has anyone here felt the same at being taken advantage of and just thought fuck it.

I know this is very much on the partners rather than the friends but the friends are oblivious that their partners have been arseholes and instead produce tinkley little laughs at their bashfulness

I would have said within earshot 'your partners a tight fucker isn't he?'

But tbh you should say 'dinners on you for all my hard work'. Dont let people take the piss.

I don’t have any friends who would travel 100+ miles to help me stick tiles on a wall. Maybe I need better friends, or maybe what you’re offering to do people is above and beyond. How are these situations coming up? Are you known among friends for loving DIY or something? They must have reasons for thinking it’s ok to get you to do these things. Then the rudeness is a separate issue, but if you have clear expectations (as you do) about return generosity, you should be able to raise it. How come you’ve never said anything to them?

I personally would offer to buy someone a meal in both of these cases. But if I was you in those situations, I wouldn't be expecting someone to buy me anything. I'd be made up if they did, but wouldn't even enter my head if they never.

@OwwwMuuuum
The first situation occured because I lived with the friend and she wasn't feeling well so I offered to help out.
The second one was presented as general help with flatpack furniture, decorating etc. When I asked where the paint/furniture was she was like "oh I thought we could do this instead" and presented the bloomin wall tiles which I've never done in my life.

I don't think I raised it at the time because there was part of me that didn't want to be entitled. Neither of these paying partners are hard up students and are very well off. I think I would feel better is everyone was getting their own meal and it was an every man for themselves type of situation, but it feels a bit off getting a meal for two of you whilst the third person has to go and get their own.

We had friends that asked for our help often. We helped them move house Liverpool to Leeds, went over to put a fence up, etc etc. Once when they'd had a cheap tarmac job done and some rather rough types were coming back for the money, we even got a cash advance for £400.
But when we once asked for help they bitched about it no end.

But both times the CF bought for himself and friend and left OP standing there like cheese at fourpence. That's a bit rude, don't you think?

Tbf, thinking on it, its the friend that should have bought op something. Not the bf. It wasn't his house she was helping with. But good manners from the bf would have been to pay...and then maybe seek reimbursement from his partner later if she has form for making him pay for her guests.

Im pretty much done with ungrateful people too. I sent 3 really nice xmas presents (as in 3 different people & nice presents as in chanel, Babyliss Volume & Style hairstyler & White Stuff homeware, so we're not talking a Baylis & Harding set here ) and didn't get a thank you off any of them. One I actually messaged to ask if she got it & she replied "yeah thanks "

People's sense of entitlement never fails to astound me.

I can see your point more on the first occasion. But on the second occasion, he probably thought you were there for a social visit as much as anything. why do you expect the men to be buying you food and drinks and not your friends though?

If I thought my husband and his friend had put tiles up wonky, I would say so.

@BiBoop God that's rude! I'm so sorry! This happened to me once when I send presents to neice and nephew (older kids/teens) who were both old enough to use Social media, Facebook (as it was at the time).
I didn't hear anything so I I messaged their mum to check they have received them. She said "Oh yeah sorry have they not messaged you to thank you". About half an hour later when they'd got a bollocking I got a quick thank you from the older teen on Facebook, and never heard a sausage from the younger one. I never bothered again.

and to be honest after they both posted photos of the tonnes of presents that they got including games consoles and iPhone I imagine my present was just a drop in the ocean for them

You sound a bit precious to me tbh. On the first occasion, just because you were flatsharing doesn't mean you have to help her pack. So if you did, that's on you. The second occasion is just bizarre. If you've travelled over 100 miles to help a friend decorate SURELY you have a close enough relationship to say to her that you're not dipping into your own wallet as a thanks for your help.

How were you taken advantage of, on either occasion? You willingly put yourself forward, both times.

@Aprilx totally understandable for pointing out that the tiles may have looked a bit wonky but there was no "Hi, how was your drive, do you want a drink...oh sorry some of those tiles look a bit wonky, want me to take over for a bit? Thanks for helping out by the way"

It was more poking head round the door, comment and then that was it

Partners can come across as thoughtless but often don’t know the full story so need prompting from your friends - it’s your friends to blame tbh

but tight gits don’t get a 2nd chance with me

I wouldn't had helped. She already had her partner and his mate, they didn't need you. If you did help out, then it's down to your mate to buy your lunch/dinner to say thanks.

I sympathise, I have had a lot of these kind of situations in the past. You have to learn that acts of kindness don’t necessarily influence a individual’s behaviour. Most people are decent and show appreciation for help but some people just don’t. I used to find it so hard to understand when people didn’t act in a grateful like I would like them to or how I would.

I have learnt that you can’t control or influence people in this way. I will now only do things for people I know will appreciate it. Alternatively in some circumstances I accept that doing a task won’t always result in thanks. I will enter into these situations accepting that and not having expectations.