Parents make me feel guilty for spending time with in laws

[Inlawsparents]

I spend every other Christmas with my parents and the in between ones with in laws.

My husband comes from a bigger family.

This year my parents have made ‘jokes’ about their lonely Christmas Day (they do have other family but no one seems to bother organising anything) and lots of comments from my Mum about how it ‘looked we like we had a great time’. ‘Dressing up for lunch I see’ based on social media posts people have included me in I presume.

I know that doesn’t sound like much but the comments were pointed and it’s hard to convey the tone. I don’t know why but it makes me feel guilty - they have other extended family and I have a sibling too.

Is this normal? Do parents of adult children usually feel jealous of them spending time with the ‘other side’?

Yes my mum is like this, doesn’t like us doing anything with in laws. It’s tedious and very childish. I try my best to ignore!

Awful when parents are possessive like this. I’m sure when my kids are grown up I’ll just be happy if they’re happy. In fact that’s how I am now if they’re with their dad - I’m happy as long as they are.

No, it’s not normal. My mum always wants me to get on well with in laws and enjoy time with them, even at Christmas.

Are you running round your parents too much?

My in laws are like this, whereas my big family are very chilled. As a result both DH and I actually prefer spending time with my lot (who are genuinely happy if we have a good time elsewhere too). We do make lots of effort with DHs parents but I refuse to keep a tally or take turns.

DH ignores comments full stop and I am a master of bright and breezy and deliberately ignoring any subtext "yes we were at my brother's, thanks for asking it was a great weekend MIL" ""I didn't realise sister was tagging me on FB you know I don't really use it - thanks for noticing though I'll have to have a look" etc etc

With us its my in laws. Every single time we talk to them we are quizzed on how much time we have spent with my siblings and how often we are seeing them.

Then when we do see my in laws we get passive aggressive comments about not seeing them often enough and being told that we have to come over for certain meals or we will 'be in trouble'

They come to us once a year and complain about everything the whole time they are over too.

Honestly we don't see my family more but we are more comfortable seeing them because we aren't being told off for daring to not come round for Sunday lunch because we are on holiday etc

I've even been complained at for being selfish because I wanted to see my sister on her birthday. There was no special reason why we needed to be at my in laws, they just decided we should go over that day and genuinely thought I shouldn't see my sister. But if we dared suggest not seeing either of them on their birthday...

Apparently this thread is cathartic and this shit winds me up more than I realise 😂

Mine's the same- but worse. She runs them down. She doesn't let me see my friends and extended family when I visit her (I live away).
She was even more possessive of my dad- she disliked my dog because my dad liked him! 😂

Do not fall for feeling guilty.

I would address it directly “yes it was lovely. Mum I know you must miss us on some occasions but do you think I am somehow doing something wrong by spending time with my husbands family? Because sometimes it sounds like that”.

MIL commented that she wouldn't have to share us days after DM died ( my DF died years before.) I haven't set foot in her house, invited her for Christmas or taken her anywhere since. I'm sure she has narcissistic tendencies.

@Loachworks

What a bitchy cunt your MIL is.
Hope she was suitably put out.

Sorry for your loss.

This sounds like my “D” mother. The Christmas before MIL died, we went to MIL and FIL as it was obvious MIL was not likely to live much longer. My fucking mother made a huge deal about the fact it had been “their” turn for us to visit at Christmas, and demanded we went to them the following year (nb my mother was not alone when we went to MIL as dad was alive and my brother also visited).

Christmas 2021 looked likely to be FIL’s last and at DH’s request we went there. FIL was a demanding and unpleasant individual and it wasn’t my ideal Xmas by any means, but a bad situation was made worse by the constant whining from my DM that we weren’t going to her. By this time she was widowed but again could have spent Christmas with my brother, the golden child, who notably failed to visit her. My fault for spending it with a dying man though.

After FIL died in June almost the first thing she said was “well you can always spend Christmas with me now.”

My DM was a bit like this. She made me feel guilty if I spent time with my partner's parents. Unfortunately I was young and my DM always had some sort of control/way to make me feel guilty from a young age, so eventually I felt I had to be loyal to her and my ex partner didn't want to put up with it anymore.

Both families for us. Though DHs family have guilted him into only spending Xmas with them as he is an only child/they have got no one/I have a big family yada yada. My parents can also be annoying at times. We are just about to exchange on our first house together and TTCing. Going forward we will only be spending Xmas in our own house and in-laws can come see us if they want. It has been years of tooing and froing trying to please everyone else they can get f*ed if they think I am going to carry on doing that once we have our own place.

Why didn't your sibling have them round?

Me and my sister take it in turns. One year she has our parents and her in laws to her house. The next year I have our parents and my in laws to my house.

You dont get this hassle when you bugger off skiing for christmas ..just saying!

You can't be any fairer than you already are. Your parents are very selfish and petty.

It’s lovely if you can do that. But many families are not as cooperative as yours. If the relationship between parents/PIL and children is dysfunctional or uneven in some way, then one child often finds themselves hosting year after year while everyone else is happy to be a CF, or just to go along with what’s always been done.

So in my family, DBro is single and lives in a 1 bedroom flat. He could let mum have his bed and sleep on the sofa but couldn’t have all of us to stay overnight. DH and I would have to stay in a hotel or spend much of the day on the road, which we want even less than we want to host.

Aha, I hear you ask, why doesn’t DBro host your mother every other year while you and DH do your own thing? Well, that’s because in addition to the space issue, my DBro is both the golden child and a lazy entitled CF. He doesn’t want to host my mum on his own because he’d actually have to do some work to justify his golden child crown. He’d far rather come to us every year he can, and sit on his arse, while I do everything.

Meanwhile, because he is a golden child, DM will enable his behaviour, because that’s what the parents of a golden child always do. Every year since dad died, if we have been visiting FIL or have insisted on having a Christmas to ourselves, he has never once offered to host mum and he has rarely gone to her, being happy to leave her on her own. She has never made him step up. Probably because if she asked him to host her for Christmas they would have a shit time because he is a lazy entitled uncaring CF who’d make no effort. Parents of golden children never want to put themselves in a situation where they are forced to see the truth.

@DelurkingLawyer I honestly think you shouldn't invite your brother to yours in that case. Although I realise that'd make it awkward for you and probably not worth the hassle!

@Dacadactyl you put your finger on it. DH has never liked DBro much, having always been alive to his CF tendencies. He likes him even less after his laziness this year and after we waved him and my mother off with much relief yesterday, DH turned to me and said “never again.”

He’s right, but DM will blow a fuse if we invite her and not DBro and will cry about him being alone and unhappy. He’s a wealthy 43 year old man FFS! So as @creamwitheverything suggests it’s probably a skiing holiday from now on, or a fake one so we can spend Christmas without them.

Yep. I'm an (adopted) only child and my parents have done this with each relationship

• when I had my first boyfriend at 17 my Mum got jealous when I met his mother (who I got on really well with!) for coffee. My dad accused me of "even starting to dress like her" (I wasn't)
• Another boyfriend at 20. I used to stay at his 1-2 nights a week. They accused me of treating our house like a hotel.

I live 3 hours away now with my now husband. Inlaws are 5 mins down the road. They constantly moan about how they're "missing out" with my DD's. My mother has talked before about wanting to "clone" me 😳

It's a shame you can't all spend them together. X

I tell my DH all the time that if he doesn’t stop being such a grumpy bastard our only son won’t want to spend time with him. Because that’s the differential. Nobody wants to spend Christmas with someone they can’t have fun with!

When Christmas is more about the drinking and the party rather than the sentiment / family it’s best to do things seperately.

@allboysherebutme @RunLolaRun102 theh live in different countries so it’s really not that it’s more about the party and the drinking rather than the sentiment. What a patronising post!

My mum is like this and it drives me and. She chose to live abroad so can’t really complain that we don’t nip round occasionally. But I get PA comments if I see ILs. They also ask my children about ‘other granny’ and my almost 10yo pointed out to me once that my mum is the ‘other granny’ in her head 🤣