Will this be confusing for DD?

[tiredmama23]

From next week my DH is going to working away 8 days at a time (then home for 6, then repeat).

Toddler DD (20 months) is a real daddy's girl. From the moment we get in from nursery she asks for "Dadda". As soon as he comes home from work to she follows him around and wants him all the time. In fairness he is fantastic with her and their bond is lovely. I feel that DD might struggle at first with not seeing DH every morning/evening but that she will eventually adjust to the change.

We've been discussing ways of them communicating when he's away. DH will be working really long hours (7.30am-9pm) most days when he's away. It leaves no time for him to have video calls with DD. She will be in bed before he finishes his shift each day.

He was thinking of recording videos of himself on his lunch break or on an evening, talking to her, saying things like "make sure you go to bed for mummy tonight like a good girl... daddy misses you" etc. that sort of thing. For me to show her before bedtime. My worry is this could confuse her because she's too young to understand the concept of a one way video as opposed to an interactive video call. She has "spoken" to her Daddy several times on video calls, but never watched a video of him where she can't interact in real time.

I'm not sure why but I'm worrying that this will upset her more? Am I overthinking this? Is it a good idea?

I'm thinking examples like, when he's on a video call she will run and get a toy to "show" him and comes back to the call with it, saying "doggy Dadda", for example. Then obviously he will reply "oh is that your doggy?" etc. I'm thinking she might try to do that and get upset that he's not interacting back!

Have you got a toniebox? I know you can record things on it, like reading a story to her or something x

A visual timetable could be helpful, with photos of daddy at work and daddy at home so she begins to understand that as she takes the photo off each night, it's getting closer to him being in each location. Just make a grid on a piece of A4 with 28 squares and blutack photos (or drawings). Remember to take the picture off each day.

My 2 year old gets confused and upset about things like this sometimes. She will watch a video on my phone and not understand why the person in the video isn't talking to her, then she gets frustrated and upset.

Children have no concept of time at this age. 8 days could be 8 months for all they know, but she will know him as soon as he comes back.

We haven't, we were planning to get her one for her 2nd birthday actually. Maybe we could look into doing that sooner. Thank you!

Ah this is a lovely idea. I think she's maybe a tad young to grasp this just yet but no harm in trying!

Yes. This is exactly my worry.

Can he ask question?

hello

how are you

did you have a nice day

should be fine imo.

I think she probably would get confused by a pre recorded message tbh.
Would second the suggestion of some form of visual calendar. I made one up with days of the week round the edge and a pointer you could move with pictures of when my DS was going to his dad's when he was a little older than yours, and that worked well. Might help a younger child to understand that time moves on each day and she'll see him in a few days, though at your DD's age they don't have much grasp of time. Distracting her with other things might be all you can do when she misses her dad.

I travelled a lot when my kids were little. they got very upset by phone calls / video calls and didn't understand why I was on the computer and not at home. So we stopped doing any video calls after a while.

Visual timetables to count off the days were VERY helpful - 3 more sleeps until mum is home etc.

My kids dad has always worked away during the week from a young age and we started with video calls but they got too upset so we found that no contact when he was away was best then they were just happy to see him when he was back. They accepted when he wasn’t here that was that. Doesn’t seem to have affected their relationship they are close and seem well adjusted to the situation.

Meant to say they also don’t like talking about him during the week either, it’s as if he doesn’t exist during the week but I take their lead and if they do want to talk about him I go with it but other than asking how many sleeps until daddy is home occasionally, he’s not mentioned.

I’ve always thought out of sight out of mind, my xh used to work away weeks at a time and at that age my DS just got used to it. Calls and videos were distressing for him.

If you like the idea of a tonie box why not just get him to record and read some stories before he goes.
he could do 8 and then you sit with the book and she can “read it along” with him each night.
he could easily ask her ‘how was your day? What have you eaten?’ Etc on the video and you can just pause it when she answers. As long as he keeps a generic response of ‘that sounds great, and wow that’s my favourite’ she won’t really know.
them he finishes It with a ‘night night, love you’

My dad worked away on a similar pattern. It was effectively ‘mum only time’ then ‘yay dad time!’, him being away didn’t affect our bond at all. We didn’t really think about him being away? Not in a mean way, but I guess since we also had fun one on one time with mum we were always kept occupied. Like there were special activities we only did when he was away, like making jewellery was one of my favourites. So mum time was special. I think my parents didn’t want dad to be a novelty and mum taken for granted.

This really is an excellent idea!!

I went away for a week when DD was nearly 3. PILs stayed to cover childcare when DH was at work. She absolutely did not want to speak to me on the phone, and if my name was mentioned, she changed the subject. When I returned, she was absolutely delighted to see me, but she obviously found it easier to deal with my absence by putting me completely out of mind.

I mention this in case yours reacts in a similar way - in which case your tactics might have to be quite different!

Lots of interesting responses, thank you!

I do like the timetable idea but I honestly think she's too young to grasp the concept of counting down the days. If I say "2 days till Dadda is home" and show her she just won't understand. Whenever his name is mentioned and he's not around, I just say "where's Dadda?" and she replies "woor" (work). Then picks up my phone saying "Dadda, Dadda" or runs to the front door. The mention of his name to her means either he's on the phone or he's at the door. I think it might confuse her more possibly.

I think we will have to play it by ear. If she gets more upset with videos etc then we might have to just go cold turkey 😢