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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Ending a 17 year friendship

14 replies

madeincalifornia2022 · 29/12/2022 01:55

In 2020, I reconnected with a friend with whom I used to be in close contact a few years prior. We drifted apart in 2016 and had known each other since high school in Europe. She decided to message my husband on LinkedIn late that year to reach me, even though she had only met him once for a few mins, and I was a little weirded out since she also had my email. However, I was happy to get back in touch, given the pandemic and losing touch with many people.

It turned out my friend was moving to London to return to Uni, where I'm originally from, and we started to speak almost daily. I live in the USA, so we finally met only this December 2022. I was excited to be back in touch, but a few things have given me weird feelings recently, and I'm finding it hard to speak to her. Just a few things come to mind:

She is desperate to visit my mother, even though they have never met. She's clearly googled her and seems to know everything about her career and where she lives, even though I've never said anything. It's not even like it's relevant or interesting to her interests or career.

She brought up my ex's family in conversation on this trip, especially his mum's eating habits, stating details I had forgotten about and probably mentioned in 2012, clear as day. It was obvious that she thinks about this stuff often and she never met them or him.

I recently was diagnosed with a minor disability, and she said she might have that health condition too - she started sending me diagrams and memes all of a sudden about it. No sign she has it. It's a pretty obvious one too!

My husband is Jewish, and I've started to accompany him to the synagogue to learn more about the faith. All of a sudden, she is now Jewish, and she wants to go to synagogue and no longer celebrates Christmas. She came from a Catholic family and was lighting candles in St. Pauls a few months ago. She got very confused when I said we celebrate Christmas and then changed her mind...

She then told me she was spending Christmas all alone and made me feel really bad about it. Suddenly, her ex-bf ( who she never mentioned) has quit his job in Sweden and moved back to London, and they are spending Xmas together - with his family. She doesn't want to get back together, though, and laughs when I ask her questions about it.

In London, we went to a fancy shoe store that was NOT her style ( she's more streetwear, and this was country tweed), but I had been saving up for these boots for work. She took over the entire experience as she decided she wanted a pair. They did not have her size, and they were closing, but she wanted to try on everything including men's - so I left empty-handed. Later that day, her card declined over a 10-pound purchase, so I paid for this and wondered what would have happened about the boots if they had her size. She does not have ccs.

Today she rang me to say she had returned to the store to buy a pair, but they were closed. So she went to Fenwicks I introduced her to (again, not her style - she loves the skateboarding look), and bought some there...when I took her there, she was not comfortable either and complained about the place.

I get this weird feeling that things are being copied, or she's saying things for effect. In addition, when she calls me it's like she only wants to hear the bad things or will purposefully put something negative there. Am I being crazy here, or does this seem weird?

OP posts:
Changechangychange · 29/12/2022 02:00

You live in the US, she doesn’t, and she sounds nuts. She’s also just an old school friend, not your long lost twin sister. Totally fine to do a gentle fade - reply less often, be polite but don’t have much to say.

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 02:01

This is giving weird creepy vibes of her trying to somehow morph into you and take over your life....what is she like with your DH? I had a friend like this a few years back who was very sweet and charming but was a bit in my face and wanted to be everywhere I was. She also flirted with my DH. Some very odd people about.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 29/12/2022 02:53

Maybe she plans presenting herself to your mother as your close friend, hoping to score free or cheap a place to live in London?

madeincalifornia2022 · 29/12/2022 02:58

I wish! But my mum lives an hour plus out of London in the countryside

OP posts:
Iflyaway · 29/12/2022 03:06

I get this weird feeling...

Listen to your intuition and phase her out.

vvvvb · 29/12/2022 03:18

There is a name for someone who does this mirror/copy of you but I can't remember it ATM

It is a sort of condition like Munchausen but obviously it isn't that

Anyway, I would tell your mother to ignore her if she tries to connect with her and I would become very busy and so not able to talk for so long each time (as others have said)

Don't post anything on social media that she can use to gain more info or even better make all of your profiles private so she can't see who your friends or connections are

Probably same for your DH as it was his LinkedIn she used

She may use a false name to get more info from social media etc

Lexi868 · 29/12/2022 03:27

Also, you wouldn't be getting such weird feelings if this friend was genuine. You would feel happy, comfortable and have no need to question things. If something is feeling odd to you, that's because it is.
She seems like the type you need to phase out though. I feel like confrontation will be more messy.

Murdoch1949 · 29/12/2022 06:27

Run a mile. Preferably two.

Sugarplumpudding · 29/12/2022 06:44

Single white female is the syndrome- named after the film. Terrifying.

BMW6 · 29/12/2022 06:50

Well she's very strange indeed and in your shoes I'd be backing away from her as quickly as possible.

madeincalifornia2022 · 29/12/2022 06:51

@Sugarplumpudding OH MY!! Spot on! I forgot to mention that I had my hair cut on the first day I met her in London. The day after we met, she told me she is going to a hairdresser, and the cut was pretty much identical to mine when I saw her. Bare in mind, she had told me about having her hair cut two weeks prior and sent pics...

OP posts:
FontSnob · 16/06/2023 21:02

She’s giving off serious single whites female vibes! Cut ties.

FontSnob · 16/06/2023 21:03

Oops. Dead thread…sorry! (Hope you escaped her though OP)

TheThinkingGoblin · 16/06/2023 21:47

vvvvb · 29/12/2022 03:18

There is a name for someone who does this mirror/copy of you but I can't remember it ATM

It is a sort of condition like Munchausen but obviously it isn't that

Anyway, I would tell your mother to ignore her if she tries to connect with her and I would become very busy and so not able to talk for so long each time (as others have said)

Don't post anything on social media that she can use to gain more info or even better make all of your profiles private so she can't see who your friends or connections are

Probably same for your DH as it was his LinkedIn she used

She may use a false name to get more info from social media etc

Mirroring is the correct terminology.

OP, you are in danger here.

The person in question will keep escalating. Cut her off as quickly as possible as she has a personality disorder.

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