To ask for your best tween/teen parenting tips

[Lindacarter2]

Around friends, alcohol, vaping, social media, boyfriends, friends and the rest! Feel like a lost mother right now

i feel the same i'm taking it one step at a time and hoping and praying i'm doing the right thing x

me too but things are changing so fast!

Especially now she a best friend she is in awe of and appears to have opened up her world to all these new things

Well it would fill a book. But number one: listen. Let them talk. Too often we talk at kids and don't hear what they are trying to tell us. Don't assume you know or understand. Don't analyse. Don't even try and fix things on many occasions. But don't go on at them trying to get them to talk to you either. Be available (that means don't be on your phone all the time) and they may well open up on occasion.

How old? Every year is so significantly different as teenagers i have found.

I have two older teens, generally sensible but do have their moments. I have found two things that work...

1. To have a general 'yes' policy, unless I had a good reason for saying no.

So when they wanted to go to parties with alcohol, holidays away etc, or just getting the train and going shopping. I always tried to say yes to the things I was asked, unless I had a good reason for saying no. When I did, I explained why it was a no. Overall, this has worked out well. My children are generally allowed to do most things, they've been mostly honest with me about drinking etc... (we live rurally, so being dependent on lifts restricts what they can get up to) but thankfully when it has been a no, my children have listened and understood my reasons (even if they didn't agree with them and still told me they hated me and how I'd ruined their lives etc). And we've rowed over school work etc. but on the whole, they are sensible.

2. I'm always prepared to be the bad guy to their friends. If ever there was anything they felt uncomfortable with, or didn't want to do, they always knew I would be their fall guy. I know they used that a few times to avoid tricky situations. One time, my daughter used it as a reason to not vape when her friends were doing it. Made out I was so strict... And whatever they said I did, I backed them to the hilt.

Maybe not the best, but it worked for us.

I try to rarely say "no" immediately but when I do I am very firm and they feel confident knowing I listened closely to their reasons. For example, just today I was asked to pierce DD13's second hole in ear cartilage (she has the one standard lobe hole in each ear). That was a no but I didn't get much pushback at all because they know no means no. I really hope they use this for their own boundaries-especially around boys and men.

Choose your battles. Draw your boundaries according to what you think is most important.

Model the behaviour you want; teens hate unfairness or hypocrisy!

It's not always possible but try and ensure that the friends that your teens associate with are good influences; so that they are in a school where it's not uncool to study for example or where drinking to excess it's not the sole focus of friendship groups.

Tell them you love them a lot as teens seem to hear what you say through a veil of negativity so they need to hear a lot of positive affirmations from you even if they seem withdrawn, unresponsive or uninterested in what you have to say.

Keep the lines of communication open.

Depending on the age of your teens, try and discuss rules and boundaries and come to compromises together about curfews, drinking, vaping etc. Set out your expectations, explain your reasons for them, and then listen to what they have to say in response. Then try and reach an agreement somewhere in the middle.

Remind her every single day how Instagram is a lie. Orchestrated setup managed fake snapshots of a wider picture.dont let them compare themself to ANYTHING they sees.nor get too drawn in to that life.instagram to me is nothing but a toxic a hotbed for teens right now.

Remind them of their worth.regardless of look,weight,size,colour. And compliments that doesn't revolve around appearance.

Have a code word where if they text/call with it you go and collect them, no questions asked.