DD's new boyfriend...

[LyricalBoudicca]

DD's first boyfriend, 2 weeks in and she's elated (both are quite academic17 year olds). I've met him once, pleasent but some stories DD has started to share are starting to ring alarm bells eg. he keeps a diary/log book of all of his best friend's errors and mistakes, has started to say that my DD is a bit rough (ie working class) and that other people state that she's not good enough for him, he said that her hair isn't even styled properly and that he absolutely hates his mother and is apparently talks about how useless she is. He greatly admires his very successful father. I'm not sure DD thinks these are red flags and I suspect if I raise my concerns, she'll love the confrontation and drama. Do I just stand by and let her allow to continue with her mistake as a 'learning experience' for the future or risk confrontation in an attempt to open her eyes?

2 weeks is very early days ??
I would stand back and see what happens.

Telling her others think she’s not good enough is a definite red flag. I would tell her that and just encourage her to keep talking to you. My DD is very slightly older and I do tell her what I really think but I’m careful to stay factual (and then tell my friends what I really think). It’s so important to keep her talking at this age.

I would stand back a bit too. The guy sounds like a mini sociopath

Stand back and let her do her thing but be there as a shoulder to cry on and someone to discuss things openly with. Always ask her if she wants your opinion before going in with it.

Seventeen is such a strange age, I remember it well. If my mum told me my boyfriend was a huge red flag I'd have leant into it even harder. I was safe because I knew I had her on side and years later I understand what a total knob red flag he always was but in the actual moment, he was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Good advice - I just hope it will fizzle out but as I think she loves the idea of having a boyfriend any break will have to be initiated by him.

Has DD told you that he thinks she's rough/not good enough/has no proper hairstyle?

I'd ask her if she agrees with those statements. And how hearing her boyfriend say those things makes her feel.

Just keep talking to her... don't pass judgement... but I'd be tempted to say that I'd feel hurt and angry if someone was saying those things about me.

Can't you just have a theoretical discussion about respect and boundaries and what is and isn't healthy relationship behaviour. Dress it up as a mum and daughter chat she is ready for now she has a boyfriend- don't make it about him.

If she’s telling you about these comments it might be that she (at some level) wants a hint from you about why the heck he’s saying it/how she should respond/whether it’s an ok thing to be happening. I’d be treating it much like you would if she reported a friend had said that stuff to her. Maybe something like “is that what he said? That’s not very nice is it?” Or “he’s clearly trying to make you feel like you’re not good enough for him - have a Google of negging”. Rather than in any sense telling her how to handle it, just highlight how nasty his behaviour is (and emphasise that she is good enough for absolutely anybody).

He's an unpleasant oddball, which I'd be 'happy' enough to point out and then leave at that, but the awful personal comments regarding your DD are where I'd draw the line. I'd be asking her just who he thinks he fucking is putting her down like that. Not starting drama as such but worth a conversation with your DD. Having her back isn't going to push her away.

I’d use this as an opportunity to ask her what she thinks a healthy relationship should be like. I assume you know what he’s been saying because she told you? If so, i’d be asking questions about how it makes her feel as whether she would accept a friend talking to her like that.

I wouldn’t ignore it, these sorts of early romantic type learning relationships can make deep impacts in people and set up patterns for how they have future relationships when older. I’d be really concerned he is has a nasty attitude towards women and your daughter is getting a taste of that already. It won’t get better but worse.

He's a creepy little weirdo.

This!