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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sons dad smoking

18 replies

Irishmumof02 · 28/12/2022 17:10

I don’t smoke never did hate the smell. My ds goes to his dads weekly his dad and 2 other family members smoke and in the past Iv made it clear I don’t want them smoking around son as at the start he was coming home stinking of smoke. Over the past few weeks son has been stinking of smoke again to the point when he comes in Iv has to get him to shower right away and his clothes in the was right away. I spoke to my ex and said I understand it their house but I’d really appreciate if when ds is in they not smoke in the house. My son has a bad cough at the moment but he really wanted to go to his dads boxing night for a sleepover. Ds is 9. I sent a cough bottle with him and explained to dad the cough is bad but iv been to the doctor and they said it’s viral. Before they left I did say to his dad please don’t smoke around son and he said of course and he’d also tell other family to step outside to smoke. Sons just came home and as soon as he walked in the smell of smoke was so strong and his cough is far worse. I asked did anyone smoke around him and he said yeah they always do and when they dropped him home in the car his dad and gran both smoked. I’m absolutely fuming and dad didn’t even give son any cough medicine the two nights he was there. Ever item of clothing my son had over stinks of smoke. How do I bring this up to ex as I’m really pissed off about this like how hard is it to just stand at the back door when a child is in the house.

OP posts:

Lockheart · 28/12/2022 17:20

I understand why you're annoyed, but you can't control what they do in their house.

Even if they were not smoking when he's there, the house will still smell of it and it will still transfer to his clothes and hair.

LadyLothbrook · 28/12/2022 17:23

Yeah I wouldn't like this. Smoking around children is absolutely vile. I was brought up in a smoky, nicotine stained home and it wasn't nice or relaxing at all. I can't believe people can look at kids and think it's OK to make them inhale their toxic smoke!

Frosty1000 · 28/12/2022 17:28

Yeah I wouldn't like it either but as pp said you can't control what goes on in the house. They may be stepping outside but it's on their clothes etc and in the house. If it were me and I am so anti smoking I'd not let my child go there but don't know if you feel that strongly or if it'd cause more problems.

Survey99 · 28/12/2022 17:30

I wouldnt like it. I think it is disgusting smoking indoors and abhorrant to do it with a child in the house. But, there is nothing you can do about it. They know already and dont care. Unless you are willing to withhold contact/potentially go to court over it (and I am no expert but think you are likely to lose).

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 17:52

It’s annoying but you can’t actually do anything about it other than hope his father sees sense and wants to protect the health of his child.

Original poster

Irishmumof02 · 28/12/2022 18:25

I wouldn’t want to stop contact as this is the only real issue I have but I do think i might hold off till sons cough has lifted as he’s only home a few hours and the poor thing hasn’t stopped. Think il also be the one doing drop off and collecting because the thought of them smoking with him in the car has really got to me. I know I can’t stop them smoking when he’s there as it is their home but I am going to mention it. He rarely sleeps over he loves his home comforts to much it’s maybe once every 5 weeks but when he’s over for his weekly visit I will ask them again to smoke outside as he’s only really there a few hours. My own dad smoked and I used to refuse to go anywhere with him in the car because he smoked in it. Mum never let him smoke inside but the day she left him he started and within a few weeks the house was just rotten with the smell.

OP posts:

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 18:26

Irishmumof02 · 28/12/2022 18:25

well you wouldn’t be able to stop contact anyway, so it doesn’t matter about wanting to or not.

If there is a court order in place you also can’t hold off

catandcoffee · 28/12/2022 18:29

Wasn't there a law about smoking in a car with children ?

I can't get my head around them smoking in their house around a child

barelyfunctional · 28/12/2022 18:29

I believe it’s illegal to smoke in the car with a child in it. I’d be looking into that.

Tiani4 · 28/12/2022 18:30

It's illegal to smoke in car with children in the car in English legislation
Also if your son is in the house his dad nor other adults should be smoking inside . Yanbu to keep him home
Until cough has cleared and say it's because he returned stinking of smoke and I worry you are smoking in the house with child there. Can we please agree you all smoke outside when our child is staying. Smoke doesn't get into a child's clothes if smoking has happened when they were inside with a smoker as you can clear smell of smoke by airing the rooms

Tiani4 · 28/12/2022 18:32

Unless They were smoking inside whilst DS was there, I meant

Patchytwat121 · 28/12/2022 18:35

Isn’t it illegal to smoke in the car with a child?

Thats horrible for you to have to deal with. They should take responsibility and not smoke around him, so yanbu.

Notimeforaname · 28/12/2022 18:37

I get its annoying but as others have said you cannot control what they do in their own home.

You'll have to carry on just washing the clothes. You cant stop contact with a child because an adult chooses to smoke in their home. Its just one of those things.

Maybe son could have a shower there just before he leaves? But then again the car will smell of smoke too so maybe that wont work.
You can carry on asking them but they dont have to do it.

Notimeforaname · 28/12/2022 18:39

Can you refuse to let him go there and have them see each other at your house or outside? But again this is just a request, his dad doesn't have to go for it.

RandomMess · 28/12/2022 18:41

Yeah it's illegal to smoke in the car with a child.

Soproudoflionesses · 28/12/2022 18:47

Ugh yuk what a selfish prick making his son breathe that shit in

Original poster

Irishmumof02 · 28/12/2022 19:10

I didn’t know it was illegal to smoke with a child in the car I might actually mention that. No we don’t have court order or anything. Dad has text asking about son staying for New Year’s Eve and iv text back saying his cough has got a lot worse so il be keeping him home till it improves. I did say son has told me people smoke with him in the room and that he smoked with him in the car. I said I can’t control what you do in your own home but the health of my kids always comes first and that from now on when son is over I need for him ans his family to step outside while he is in if they need to smoke. He’s not responded as of yet. Thank you for your responses it was actually really helpful to get this rant out

OP posts:

NosyNeighbour22 · 28/12/2022 19:19

i Completely understand your frustration op, my daughter has asthma and all the kids come home from their dads house stinking of smoke, he also doesn’t make sure she takes her preventer inhaler when she is at his house. When I say anything to him about it he just says there’s no point in him stopping smoking because I have a dog and she gets covered in dog hair when she’s at my house (she isnt allergic to dogs!).
Unfortunately there is absolutely nothing we can do to control the standard of the other parents parenting.

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