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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to support DH

17 replies

FishersGate · 28/12/2022 16:05

MIL is pallative was given weeks but today given days. DH is outwardly seeming to cope but this has been a drawn out process of a month so far. He's always been extremely close to mil and fil died some time ago. Mil is 80.

He's very angry, short tempered and no patience with me or the children.

Anyone please with advice on how to support him. He doesn't want to talk which is fine. But I am wincing on occasion with some of the words and shortness and fear it will obviously and understandably get worse.

I am doing everything that needs to be done at home etc.

OP posts:
KickAssAngel · 28/12/2022 16:27

Why isn't he with his mother? Is it possible for him to be with her? That's probably the best for everyone.

Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 16:39

KickAssAngel · 28/12/2022 16:27

Why isn't he with his mother? Is it possible for him to be with her? That's probably the best for everyone.

He is back and forth to the hospital - he doesn't want to be there all the time. This has been coming for weeks and I they have said lots to each other I am guessing he feels he can't do any more. This is his choice -before anyone comments I am the evil wife 😬.

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 16:40

She has covid as well which I think is a factor

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 18:05

He said he wants to spend time with the children I am being led by what he wants to do. Perhaps that's his comfort

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poefaced · 28/12/2022 18:26

Sorry but whilst I sympathise with him (I lost my own dad to aggressive cancer within weeks), I don’t think this should give him carte blanche to be angry with you and the kids.

Tell him that you want to support him but that doesn’t include being an emotional punching bag for him.

user1487194234 · 28/12/2022 18:31

When my father was terminal in no way did I take it out on my DH ,DC or anyone else
Ir was obviously a very difficult time,but none of that would have helped

Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 18:35

poefaced · 28/12/2022 18:26

Sorry but whilst I sympathise with him (I lost my own dad to aggressive cancer within weeks), I don’t think this should give him carte blanche to be angry with you and the kids.

Tell him that you want to support him but that doesn’t include being an emotional punching bag for him.

Unfortunately I think he is struggling to accept the finality of it all. He was until yesterday clinging into a extremely slim chance of any sort of recovery. This hasn't been the case for a few weeks now. And the watching decline has taken its toll. I have tried to discuss letting people know the situation as no one knows even family, they assume she is recovering from her original operation. I offered to take this on and let family know and was immediately shouted at and very abrupt

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pointythings · 28/12/2022 19:09

You don't have to accept bad behaviour from him just because he is grieving, OP. I spent 2 weeks with my mum watching my dad die and no, I did not take my feelings out on anyone else. It's not acceptable and you need to tell him that. You are already doing everything he can - it's his turn now to manage his grief and be a decent human being to his wife and his kids.

Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 20:12

pointythings · 28/12/2022 19:09

You don't have to accept bad behaviour from him just because he is grieving, OP. I spent 2 weeks with my mum watching my dad die and no, I did not take my feelings out on anyone else. It's not acceptable and you need to tell him that. You are already doing everything he can - it's his turn now to manage his grief and be a decent human being to his wife and his kids.

I have but kindly and he has such a short fuse he cuts me off or says he doesn't want to hear what I have to say. I have suggested maybe he needs to speak to his GP etc too. Its very difficult situation as its obviously an enormous strain etc and I am trying to be anything but a hindrance

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pointythings · 28/12/2022 20:38

I'm sorry, but at this point I would play hardball with him and not be nice about it. This is going to sound harsh, but you're moving into doormat territory here. You don't ask, you don't discuss, you tell him - no snapping at you and the kids, no short fuses, if he is feeling he can't manage his emotions around you, he leaves the room or goes for a walk. You do not have to take this from him and you aren't doing your DC any favours by modelling that this is how women behave when a man is in a bad mood. My late husband was like this when his mother died (it turned him into an alcoholic but that's a whole other story) and I had to get very firm with him to get him to seek help. In the long run it didn't work, but at least he tried. Yours is just walking all over you and your children.

Merlott · 28/12/2022 20:46

State very clearly he is to speak to you in a reasonable tone. He is not to shout or snap at you or DC. If he feels like he is angry he must leave the house and go for a walk around the block until his head clears up.

You must set this boundary and you must not let him emotionally abuse the DC.

Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 21:13

Merlott · 28/12/2022 20:46

State very clearly he is to speak to you in a reasonable tone. He is not to shout or snap at you or DC. If he feels like he is angry he must leave the house and go for a walk around the block until his head clears up.

You must set this boundary and you must not let him emotionally abuse the DC.

Thank you. I will have this conversation with him when the kids are in bed but yes my priority currently has to be the children whilst trying to support him

OP posts:
Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 21:16

pointythings · 28/12/2022 20:38

I'm sorry, but at this point I would play hardball with him and not be nice about it. This is going to sound harsh, but you're moving into doormat territory here. You don't ask, you don't discuss, you tell him - no snapping at you and the kids, no short fuses, if he is feeling he can't manage his emotions around you, he leaves the room or goes for a walk. You do not have to take this from him and you aren't doing your DC any favours by modelling that this is how women behave when a man is in a bad mood. My late husband was like this when his mother died (it turned him into an alcoholic but that's a whole other story) and I had to get very firm with him to get him to seek help. In the long run it didn't work, but at least he tried. Yours is just walking all over you and your children.

Thank you. I have said this but he feels he has an excuse to swear or have a short fuse. He has sometimes anyway not towards us.
He has had quite an what some would say an intense relationship with MIL so I am just trying to be as easy going as possible.

Unfortunately I am really concerned he won't be able to cope when the inevitable happens - this really worries me. Hence my suggestion of seeking help

OP posts:
Zombiemum1946 · 28/12/2022 21:21

In your position I would initially seek advice from cancer support services. As others have said he cannot be allowed to lash out like this. Until he's willing to deal with what's happening, he needs to either talk it out, or walk it off.

RewildingAmbridge · 28/12/2022 21:21

Can you try that route? I love you, I'm worried about you, I can't change anything but I want to be able to help/support you

pointythings · 28/12/2022 21:35

My late husband also had an unhealthily enmeshed relationship with his mother so I know where you're coming from. It makes it all the more important to set those boundaries and hold them firm. You and the DC matter just as much as he does in this family unit. This is the absolute toughest of time for you, I wish you well.

I would get in touch with the St Nicholas hospice movement to see if there is support for you and for your husband. My DD2 had support from them when my dad died and they were great.

Original poster
FishersGate · 28/12/2022 22:15

pointythings · 28/12/2022 21:35

My late husband also had an unhealthily enmeshed relationship with his mother so I know where you're coming from. It makes it all the more important to set those boundaries and hold them firm. You and the DC matter just as much as he does in this family unit. This is the absolute toughest of time for you, I wish you well.

I would get in touch with the St Nicholas hospice movement to see if there is support for you and for your husband. My DD2 had support from them when my dad died and they were great.

Thank you very much. Yes it is very enmeshed which has caused issues through our marriage of varying degrees. I will make a more concerted effort to try and talk too him. I will also research some support too perhaps for myself also

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