Infertility and useless parents

RoomOfRequirement · 2022-12-28T15:52:05+00:00

I know IABU. Christmas season making everything worse and all. Probably need a MN break. But I am finding it so difficult to read thread after thread about absolutely useless parents, not caring at all about their DC, or causing problem after problem, or not wanting to parent, and it's just giving me rage. Why does the universe let those people have DC, when nice people would kill for a child and actually care for and about them! Any other women with infertility feel this way sometimes?

Crinkle77 · 28/12/2022 15:57

I'm very sorry to hear about your struggles however I do think yabu. Even the best most patient parents can be driven to the end of their tether by their kids despite them being very much wanted.

planefullofotters · 28/12/2022 15:58

I totally hear you. But suspect AIBU is the wrong place for this.

leithreas · 28/12/2022 16:01

To be honest you have no idea how you would be as a parent until you are a parent. I'm sure the posters you are talking about also thought they would be great parents. No one goes into it thinking I'm going to suck at this.

Cuppasoupmonster · 28/12/2022 16:02

YANBU at all. I’m lucky enough not to experience infertility but it’s deeply unfair.

Suzi888 · 28/12/2022 16:02

YANBU to feel the way you do 💐I think it’s perfectly understandable.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2022 16:03

I’m very sorry for your trouble but having a moan about things is normal. I can moan about putting on weight over Xmas but ultimately I have my health. I can moan about my husband but he’s still decent.
Also even if someone does struggle getting pregnant, that doesn’t mean they have to be eternally grateful and love every second of parenting.
children are a blessing but parenting is fucking relentless

October2020 · 28/12/2022 16:04

Yes, I felt this a lot when infertile and actually find it worse now I have one (hard fought for) DC and struggling to have another. I talk about it in therapy a lot. I try to accept it as an 'easier' outlet for the harder, deep set heartache of infertility.

Prinnny · 28/12/2022 16:04

The thing about not being a parent is that you can’t fully understand parenting so don’t judge and don’t believe everything you read on MN too.

LeFeu · 28/12/2022 16:05

I’m sorry OP, because it is fucking unfair, and you’re allowed to feel that way.

chillibop · 28/12/2022 16:05

You have no idea how you'd parent if you haven't been a parent yet.

Everyone's got an idea of how they'd like things to go. But I'm sure the people you're talking about on here wanted to be the 'perfect parent' that you'd wish to be, before they had kids.

I sort of see your point, but I don't agree. YABU.

DingDonkey · 28/12/2022 16:06

YANBU - my cousin got pregnant accidentally and I feel quite sorry for the little boy as neither she nor his dad seem to like him very much. It's ok to complain but most of us manage it in a way that makes it clear we still love our kids despite the difficulties.

October2020 · 28/12/2022 16:06

Ah yes, @Prinnny , what this OP really needs is to be told that they can't possibly understand what being a parent is like.

Ridiculous. I knew what parenting would be like pre kids. It's exactly as I expected, except for the ways in which it is loads better.

Parenting is not some unimaginable world that infertiles couldn't possibly even begin to consider 🙄

planefullofotters · 28/12/2022 16:08

Prinnny · 28/12/2022 16:04

The thing about not being a parent is that you can’t fully understand parenting so don’t judge and don’t believe everything you read on MN too.

This is a seriously shit thing to say to someone going through infertility.

Getyourbusinessdone · 28/12/2022 16:09

Prinnny · 28/12/2022 16:04

The thing about not being a parent is that you can’t fully understand parenting so don’t judge and don’t believe everything you read on MN too.

Do you say the same to people who ‘judge’ the prime minister or a football team or their boss etc?

BiscuitLover3678 · 28/12/2022 16:11

Yes and no. I’m experiencing secondary infertility and it’s heartbreaking. I often feel angry and sad.

But Im a parent to one and I can tell you now that it is the most stressful and mentally exhausting thing I’ve ever done. please let’s not judge other mothers.

obviously child abuse is wrong and makes me sick. Some of the ‘d’ partners on here are disgusting when it comes to stepping up.

Booksbythebed · 28/12/2022 16:12

The thing is, you can't plan your life. I'm sure many people would be great parents if it wasn't for: post partum depression, chronic illness, abusive partners, death of a partner, sudden reduction in household income, any of these things leading to an addiction like drinks or drugs...

The list goes on.

Also, who would post here about how they have or are great parents? It wouldn't make a very interesting post!

I hope your dreams come true and you get to experience being an (awesome) parent very very soon.

vintagechristmas · 28/12/2022 16:14

"Parenting is not some unimaginable world that infertiles couldn't possibly even begin to consider 🙄"

I disagree with this.

OP, I have such great sympathy for you. I suffered with unexplained infertility for five years. After several rounds of IVF I am blessed with two children.

I am often a shit parent. I could also whinge so much about how hard I find it, despite the fact it took me years of heartbreak to meet my babies. I find it unbelievably difficult and my children have pushed me to the brink at times. I had no idea that parenting would be so all encompassing, so worrying and that I would completely lose myself within it.

Booksbythebed · 28/12/2022 16:16

I also think it is unfair when clearly incapable people have unplanned children.

And women have to suffer horrible side effects from birth control while other women have to take IVF drugs.

And Bill gates and Jeff Bezos have more money than a small country needs and there are hugry children in this world.

It's a deeply unfair world.

leithreas · 28/12/2022 16:17

Booksbythebed · 28/12/2022 16:12

The thing is, you can't plan your life. I'm sure many people would be great parents if it wasn't for: post partum depression, chronic illness, abusive partners, death of a partner, sudden reduction in household income, any of these things leading to an addiction like drinks or drugs...

The list goes on.

Also, who would post here about how they have or are great parents? It wouldn't make a very interesting post!

I hope your dreams come true and you get to experience being an (awesome) parent very very soon.

Exactly. I mean good for the poster who could predict how it would go but I personally had no idea that I'd be raising a child with asd and adhd. I had no idea that I would have chronic health problems that would coincide with my child with special needs being a teenager. As it happens I think I'm a pretty good parent but of you would have asked me 16 years how I'd see my teenager being I don't think I would have been able to predict the situation we are in.

FortSalem86 · 28/12/2022 16:17

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 28/12/2022 16:03

I’m very sorry for your trouble but having a moan about things is normal. I can moan about putting on weight over Xmas but ultimately I have my health. I can moan about my husband but he’s still decent.
Also even if someone does struggle getting pregnant, that doesn’t mean they have to be eternally grateful and love every second of parenting.
children are a blessing but parenting is fucking relentless

Yep. 10 years of infertility and IVF to have two children. Yes I sometimes do think "how long until they go to bed they are doing my head" type of thought.

Prinnny · 28/12/2022 16:17

October2020 · 28/12/2022 16:06

Ah yes, @Prinnny , what this OP really needs is to be told that they can't possibly understand what being a parent is like.

Ridiculous. I knew what parenting would be like pre kids. It's exactly as I expected, except for the ways in which it is loads better.

Parenting is not some unimaginable world that infertiles couldn't possibly even begin to consider 🙄

Wow you must be so wise and knowledgable to know exactly how you will feel and react to a situation that you’ve never been in before…

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 16:20

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

RoomOfRequirement · 28/12/2022 16:21

I agree IABU. I know.

I also knew it would take 14 seconds for the first 'you can't possibly imagine being a parent' - I fucking know.

I never said I'd be a perfect parent, and I'm not talking about people having a moan and being exhausted. I'm glad to have a job, I like it, but still moan and get tired - and that's just 40ish hours a week. I was referring, as I said, to people actively not caring about their kids. I'm sure so many of you have seen the threads I mean - shit parents - DMs and DFs - actively being shit.

Thanks to those who were kind.

OP posts:

Fairyliz · 28/12/2022 16:22

I used to work in Social Services and yes there definitely are some shit parents out there who should have their children taken away from them.
It’s hard for parents on MN to understand because they probably found their way here because they wanted to do the best for their children.
But some people should not be allowed to have children, they do so much damage to them.

ClaretBarret · 28/12/2022 16:22

YANBU, there is currently a thread of someone who thought it was ok to leave 4 under 3’s alone for an hour unsupervised and thinks just popping their heads in is acceptable.

I despair at posts like those as it just shows the low level of negligence many children have to put up with and there are many people who would do a lot better at parenting who sadly might never get the chance