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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you would do with preschool

31 replies

mumwithanxiety · 28/12/2022 13:08

I'll preface this by saying I've namechanged and suffer terribly from anxiety which manifests mainly as health anxiety.

DS is 3 1/2 and thus far has never been to pre school or nursery (flexible jobs which has meant he can stay at home with us). In September we signed him up to start preschool in December, however with Scarlett fever etc pre school suggested we pushed him back to January.

So he's due to start next week but I'm terrified, I don't know what to do. I'm so worried about how ill he will get and what he will bring home (I'm vulnerable). DH has said we should just not send him but in my heart I know it would in theory do him a lot of good.

What would you all do? We are fortunate to have this choice I know many have no option but to send in. But with all the viruses and strep A etc would you keep at home until the spring?

OP posts:
JJJSchmidt · 28/12/2022 13:12

No, i wouldn't hold off. Honestly he will get ill whenever he starts but at his age it is likely that he will need quite a bit of time to settle, and that combined with potential absences due to illness and school holiday timings would mean that in my opjnion he needs tonstart ASAP. If he is already 3.5 i assume he may be goung to school in September as a summer baby, so would want to tackle the immunity and the separation as well as learning type bits in this more informal arrangement rather than him potentially struggle in reception.

catsnore · 28/12/2022 13:16

Do you feel like he will benefit socially from pre-school? Generally it's good to get a gradual intro to the idea of school etc and mixing with other kids. Yes he will pick up some germs etc but this will happen when he starts school anyway. If you started with limited hours - like just a couple of mornings maybe you would limit germ time but he would still benefit from going? You can always cancel if he doesn't enjoy it or it gets too worrying for you.

Mumdiva99 · 28/12/2022 13:17

If you don't send him now then when will you? When he has to go to school? Or will you home school? Till secondary? Or through secondary? What about if he wants a job out the house?

While you are anxious - please don't let that stop life. If pre school is best for him then let him go. Teach him to wash his hands. Wash them when he gets home. And remember he needs to face germs to strengthen his immune system.

What do you mean you are vulnerable? Is that something you have just realised since covid? - imagine if Covid had never happened - would you still query if he should go? Strep has been around forever.....it's not a new risk. Coughs and colds have been around forever. Did you always live in a bubble?

Just keep remembering all the benefits the social time will give to your child. I hope he loves it.

SheWoreYellow · 28/12/2022 13:19

Is your child immunologically vulnerable? Sounds like they are. Have you had advice on how much to mix them with others?

Numbat2022 · 28/12/2022 13:21

He will get ill - probably every two weeks at first. It's shit. But so long as you keep a close eye on him and go with your gut on serious illness, you'll be fine. He has to get all the bugs out of the way, and better now than when he's started school.

You can't put it off forever, and I honestly think nursery and preschool are brilliant for children developmentally and socially. My son is nearly 4 and would be bored witless at home, he's been at nursery since he was 1 (barring lockdowns) and absolutely loves it. Yes he gets ill a lot. It's stressful. But on balance it's worth it.

SheWoreYellow · 28/12/2022 13:23

SheWoreYellow · 28/12/2022 13:19

Is your child immunologically vulnerable? Sounds like they are. Have you had advice on how much to mix them with others?

Ah, just reread. I think maybe it’s ‘just’ your issue. Gosh. Can you see as you are writing this that you are letting your issue affect your child?

Original poster
mumwithanxiety · 28/12/2022 14:39

@SheWoreYellow I fully understand it's my issue. However DS knows no different so it's not like he understands he's missing out

OP posts:
Fleabigg · 28/12/2022 14:42

No and I think you’re doing him a disservice if you keep putting it off over and over. There’s always going to be another round of bugs and at some point he’s going to have to be exposed to them (and your anxiety is going to have to be exposed to them).

Lkydfju · 28/12/2022 14:44

I would send him rather than keep prolonging it. Will he be starting school next September? It really does help prepare them and if you wait then he’ll get the same coughs and colds when he starts school which will then impact his learning

asdhelp123 · 28/12/2022 14:46

I hear you. I didn’t send mine until later because we didn’t need to and they’re in their teens now. It hasn’t changed anything one but for them - they adjusted really well once they went to primary and didn’t/don’t seem in the least bit hindered by having stayed at home that but longer as a youngster.

I suffer from health anxiety too so I understand your feelings. Can you keep him off a bit longer and get yourself some well needed support to prepare you? Counselling/medications etc?

asdhelp123 · 28/12/2022 14:48

Excuse the typos - am laid low with a virus. Hopefully you can still work out the gist what I’m saying!

NerrSnerr · 28/12/2022 14:49

Ultimately unless you're going to home educate he'll have to go and mix with other children sooner or later. I would personally do it now to make the transition to school easier but that's your choice.

When you first send a child to nursery or school they'll get all the bugs- but all those bugs will help build his immune system.

asdhelp123 · 28/12/2022 14:49

Ps I’m not saying keep DS off indefinitely. I’m just saying wait till he’s - what is it? - 4 or whatever the legal age is. Give yourself that space to get yourself the scaffolding support you’re going to need and use this experience to show you what you need.

Natsku · 28/12/2022 14:50

Was in the same position last winter (though strep A wasn't the worry, covid and just normal winter bugs was) but decided I'd put off nursery long enough and DS really needed to spend time with children his own age. He has brought home a lot of bugs over the last year but its been worth it for the benefits of socialisation and learning, his language skills have come on amazingly. I have kept him off when its been particularly bad (like when scabies was going round, kept him off long enough to be sure all the parents would have checked their children and started treatment if necessary) or just before Christmas or going on holiday so he wouldn't get ill or us ill at critical times.

Stupidbonfire · 28/12/2022 14:50

Hello, I’m probably tempting fate wrong this. But neither of mine got ill. I mean occasionally yes. The odd cold/stuffy nose, the odd spikey temperature. But honestly about once a year each. And it’s been a non issue. You might get lucky.

Stupidbonfire · 28/12/2022 14:51

Writing this!! Sorry, I’m bad at proof reading

Tiswa · 28/12/2022 14:53

Are you planning on sending him to school next September because Preschool really helps with that

you can let anxiety rule your life

EmmaDilemma5 · 28/12/2022 14:54

For his sake you need to allow him to go to preschool, even a few days a week. He'll be in school soon enough and I think it's a bit harsh sending him into a busy school environment with no experience of a childcare setting.

I think you've built the illness risk up to be bigger than it is. Chances are your child will get a cold and maybe a bout of sickness at some point. That will happen at school too.

Preschools, if chosen well, are lovely, engaging, enriching environments. They're a benefit to the child, not a second best.

BabyofMine · 28/12/2022 14:57

I didn’t send mine to preschool for the same reason (it was in the middle of Covid lockdowns and my anxiety was sky high).

What’s happened is she has just got ill constantly since she started school, and as she is 5 the absences “count” and she’s missed learning certain letters etc. as well. She’s missed lovely activities she had been looking forward to as well. I really regret not sending her to preschool when she could have built her immune system up earlier - and the absences wouldn’t have been quite as “bad” if you see what I mean.

You’re just delaying the inevitable, at some point they’re going to have to encounter bugs and viruses so better whilst they’re not of official school attending age.

Original poster
mumwithanxiety · 28/12/2022 22:09

EmmaDilemma5 · 28/12/2022 14:54

For his sake you need to allow him to go to preschool, even a few days a week. He'll be in school soon enough and I think it's a bit harsh sending him into a busy school environment with no experience of a childcare setting.

I think you've built the illness risk up to be bigger than it is. Chances are your child will get a cold and maybe a bout of sickness at some point. That will happen at school too.

Preschools, if chosen well, are lovely, engaging, enriching environments. They're a benefit to the child, not a second best.

I think it's harder as the only friend I have who has a baby at the same time as me has had the worst luck ever and her DD is literally poorly every time she goes back to nursery and she is constantly up a&e etc

OP posts:
Ineedsleepandcoffee · 28/12/2022 22:18

Depends what you mean by vulnerable, how vulnerable and how long term that vulnerability is.
Children will get ill a lot when they start to mix with other children whether that is nursery or school so if you're vulnerability is likely to be unchanged in the next few years you would just be postponing him bringing home illnesses rather than preventing it and for his sake it is probably better to have time of sick during nursery rather than school. He will miss out on social learning if you don't take him anywhere that he can pick up bugs, such as softplays, preschool classes etc.

Pinkbananas01 · 28/12/2022 22:30

From a social point of view it would be good to let your child go to some form of early years setting. Being at home is great but after covid lockdowns it has been noted that many children of all ages have missed out on social development through not attending childcare, toddlers groups etc. Could you consider a childminder? Generally smaller numbers of families to mix with if you are concerned with being vulnerable & could ease them into socialising with others.

NestingSparrow · 28/12/2022 22:33

Get him to pre school to strengthen his immune system. He needs to catch lots of bugs.

2bazookas · 28/12/2022 23:06

I suggest you let him go for morning sessions; he will enjoy meeting other children, lots of new toys; outdoor play in better weather. Going to nursery will benefit his health. Busy, physically active children are stronger and have better immune systems.

That will give you some free time to go for a walk, meet a friend
etc and greatly benefit your anxiety.

jannier · 28/12/2022 23:18

mumwithanxiety · 28/12/2022 14:39

@SheWoreYellow I fully understand it's my issue. However DS knows no different so it's not like he understands he's missing out

What experiences are you offering at home....messy play, cutting, self dressing, turn taking, sharing, pouring a drink.....how is he separating from you? Do you take him anywhere where he mixes with other children learning how to interact? To deal with conflict over toys etc?

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