Fed up of mother being a hoarder?!

[harkleonhill]

I’ve stayed here since Christmas, leaving tomorrow.

The house is disgusting. The second floor of the house isn’t even useable as it has so much stuff in it. She has a study that you can’t even open the door to - which she says with absolutely no shame.

She has grandchildren that don’t even want to come over as they think it’s dirty. Yet no matter how much I try and help she just can’t be bothered to help herself.

I don’t see what you can do other than don’t stay over again.

Oddly enough I was just looking at old threads on hoarding! If it is any comfort to you, I'm just back from Christmas with DM and she will NOT throw anything out either. I mean like Argos catalogues from 2003, that kind of thing, "in case I need it" or "because it reminds me of xxx". The house is dirty as well.

From the other threads I was reading there seems to be 2 options: put up with it, or don't go. Hoarding is a psychological problem and you won't be able to change her behaviour. My DM gets quite angry if I suggest throwing away crap she will never use. I've given up.

I’ve found something that’s broken before and she wouldn’t throw it away as there’s another piece to it (still wouldn’t fix it) that she “might find”

I just find the behaviour so selfish and it’s crazy how little she cares how it impacted her husband and children.

What's the psychological reason behind her hoarding? It's such a sad physical sign of trauma, always upsets me.

There are support groups you could join to talk it through, you may find it helpful.

Hoarding is an illness you can't say it's not a deliberate act to hurt you. Often it's rooted in emotional trauma.

You can't change other people. Like pp said, only thing you can do is not stay over/visit again. But tell the truth about why.

I mean you can't say it's selfish

I'm afraid there isn't a lot you can do OP. (Apart from not staying there again)

If your mum has capacity she can do what she likes in her own home.

Sometimes hoarding is a MH problem ( has she been assessed by the CMHT?).

If you feel she is putting herself at risk - exits blocked so no escape from a fire etc. you could contact the local Fire Service on their website for advice. She may be eligible for free smoke/CO detectors.

HTH

MiL is a hoarder.

She says it’s so people can’t accuse her of not having any stuff.

She went through extreme poverty at one point and it’s never left her.

It's usually about loss, op, if that helps you identify her trigger - although you may not know what it is of course as it is probably from before you were born and she may not have talked about it.

That could be an area to explore with her. Perhaps she would talk about her life in a chat 1:1 some time? People can be more reflective and open to discuss past pain as they become older.

I don’t think hers is triggered by loss. She’s lost both parents but her issues were way before this.

The exits in her house aren’t blocked and you can enter most rooms - they are just piled up with “things”

Is it always about loss? My OH is a bit of a hoarder, always wants to keep things "in case they are useful" (cardboard boxes etc) and "it might be worth something one day" (football programmes). His dad is like it too, a garage full of old cameras when he's not even into photography. Apparently his grandad was too, they found old supermarket receipts in the loft when he died.
I don't think this is a MH issue for these men, I think it's more a personality trait.
That aside, I'm not sure there's a great deal you can do about your mum if she doesn't think it's an issue. In my experience with OH even though he knows I'm pissed off about it he can't change the way he is easily.

Childhood trauma, bullying, parental mental health, physically health issues past or present, fear of rejection, fear of being judged, a barrier, having nothing as a child, loads of reasons behind it.

My mother was a hoarder. I found the best way to think about it is like alcoholism - it's very deep-seated and you can't cure it, but it is an illness not something slight that they can just change like that. Having said that, the recovery rates from alcoholism are probably higher than for hoarding.

And yes, something probably did cause it in the past, but finding that out isn't going to change anything either.

So you kind of have to decide how you are going to deal with it - whether you try and make small changes each time you visit or if you just meet her outside the house.

@Jumbojem
totally agree, my OH is too also male.

We often don't know much about our parents, really.

My mother recently told me that she spent her life terrified of suddenly dying. Her mother's siblings had both died in childhood (which I knew). But I hadn't known how badly affected she was by her own mother's terror that she (my mother, her daughter) would also die unexpectedly.

It explained a lot.

There's nothing much you can do about the hoarding but you can chat more openly with your mum about her life and maybe she will share some of the trauma that causes her hoarding.

Support groups can be really helpful too, in what to say/avoid

If you grew up with her like this as well, you would probably benefit from some counselling. It's a difficult experience, or can be. It's hard to empathise when stuck in your own anger/frustration/sadness.

I agree. My DH is like this. Nothing to do with loss. For him it's like he just can't bear to throw/give something away that might be useful/worth money. If anyone is ever throwing something out and he is present, he will take it off their hands. It absolutely infuriates me as it is always something that we absolutely do NOT need.

It's not always rooted in trauma. Dh has hoarding behaviour, but has had a decent life with no loss, abuse, neglect etc. He says it runs in his family. I explained to him that it's high time that stopped and I didn't intend to live in a shitty, cluttered mess. Luckily ds hasn't inherited this selfish behaviour. He still has way too much stuff and the attic, garage and a shed are dominated by his collections of stuff. Next year is clearout year though as I need for this to be dealt with before we get any older.

These people are selfish as someone is left to deal with it all once they've gone. People generally give them an easy ride though cos trauma 🤷

As someone who is about to go to my own DMs to go and de clutter the moulds food from her fridge before she returns from Christmas,you have my sympathies OP. My DM has been a hoarder for years and years and despite us helping her to tidy on numerous occasions, within weeks it's back to how it always was.

There may be help available from the local council of she's willing to get help. We're currently waiting for the decluttering service to have a space which we are hoping may help. You could try contacting social services to see if there is similar in your area maybe?

This is a sign of deep trauma. My grandmother’s life was something out of a Grimm fairytale but without a happy ending. She was denied the most basic things and when she was younger often had to use whatever was at hand for things she shouldn’t have. For example from 16-26 she would use old newspapers for sanitary towels as her brother-in-law (who raised my grandfather) only allowed the purchase of sanitary towels for his daughter in law as she had brought in a dowry. So she would collect everything from newspaper to old catalogues for us to use.

Hoarding can be caused by more than loss. Victims of child sex abuse sometimes use their hoards to anchor themselves. People who have been traumatized by poverty sometimes hoard.

The hardest part is getting a hoarder to seek help.

My mum has always kept everything "just in case" and this has become exacerbated by her (un-acknowledged) dementia. I draw the line at actual trash, but can't address every single thing, it would ruin our relationship. It's her house and she knows that 90% of it will go in a skip once she dies but in the meantime it's her choice.