How to help very obese DM?

[Fifi00]

My DM is getting to the point where she can hardly walk. When I speak to her on the phone she puffs and pants , she can't even plug something in without immense pain. When we went for a walk she has to sit down all the tim, uses a walking stick. I got her a new tablet for Christmas (she previously had no internet) and now she's lying in bed all day/night eating chocolate and watching Netflix, she has had severe MH problems. I'm really worried about her she's only in her 50s. I realise weight is a very sensitive subject. I'm worried she's going to be completely immobile and housebound soon.

Where is she getting the food from? What is her source of income? She sounds very unwell and if someone is enabling her then that must be tackled. It's a horrible situation OP. Could you speak to her GP to find out what support might be available?

She's on benefits she hasn't worked for years due to MH. She has some support from SS but she has capacity so if she wants to eat herself to death there's not much anyone can do.

I'm sure you know that she'll only lose weight if she wants to and conversations about her weight aren't likely to motivate her.

Can you support her in getting help for MH? Tell her you are worried about her mh and ask if there's anything you can do, accompany her to gp? Help find a counsellor?

It's good that she's still willing to go on walks. Can you tell her your new year resolution is a daily walk and ask for her company to help you stick to it? Would she swim? That'd be much easier.

To note that the exercise is intended to help her mh rather than lose weight. Forget about the weight until she's well.

Can you address your concerns with her gently and maybe talk about if weight loss surgery is something she might consider? It’s extremely difficult to lose and maintain weight loss when obese and she will need therapy to look at eating habits and behaviours. If this is something she is open to can you support her going to the doctors and asking to be referred to a bariatric team?

It’s not an easy route a good friend of mine has just had it done (think she’s 6-7 weeks out of a gastric bypass now) but she’s already lost over 4st and is now able to walk so much better without as much pain. However like I said it’s not been easy for her, it’s no walk in the park and she’s had to lose some weight before she was allowed surgery. She’s had days where she’s felt very low and cried but as time goes on and she adjust to the new norm the more she appears happier and healthier.

Name change fail?

How close do you live? Are you able to go walking with her regularly? Even if it's not very far or very fast, and even it if comes with lots of sitting breaks, getting outdoors for some gentle exercise will help her mental and physical health. Walking really is one of the best forms of exercise for people who are not particularly fit.

You can't force someone to lose weight full stop. If they have underlying ill mental health, that becomes even more impossible. Is your DM open about her mental health with you, or is that conversation off-limits? You don't say what specific condition she has, but it sounds as if her existing supports are no longer adequate for her.

Sadly, until she tackles the mental ill-health, she's unlikely to be able to resolve the physical ill-health.

You probably can't help OP. Obviously you can point her in the direction of relevant services etc but beyond that it is entirely up to her.

It's easier said that done but probably the best thing would be for her to find something to do in the day. Someone I know has just given up work due to MH and I see it going the same way. Sleep in until 12, watch tv, eat, go to bed at 3am. And they're a similar age. They were much healthier when they worked, just the getting up and walking, being busy etc. They say they were unhappy at work but to be honest, how happy can you be at 15st or more? It doesn't look like happiness to me.
I am also fat and I get it. If I was at home every day I would be 20st in two years. I don't even want to work from home for that reason. In an office you're unlikely to eat multiple snacks and large meals. At home alone, there's no one watching you and I could easily eat a packet of biscuits or a whole baguette daily if allowed.

I doubt she will feel able to change her eating habits before her mental health starts to improve and she has some pleasant distractions in her life. I would focus on that first.

Do you live nearby? Can you help her to get out of the house more and find some things to do - maybe voluntary work or a club? If she has a garden, you could get her a bird feeder which she would then have to refill and she may enjoy watching the birds. Might she enjoy gardening (a raised bed would be easier to reach if she is too unfit to bend over to the ground, or some outdoor tables with trays of potted plants)? Maybe she would like an adult education class to do some art, learn photography etc?

Sadly OP there's not a lot you can do.

As others have said, as long as she has capacity she can do what she likes.

I'm sorry x

Wow

She sounds exactly like my mum. Except my mum doesn't need sticks to walk. She's Always huffing and puffing and complaining of aches and pains and essentially making excuses.

I asked if she'd like to start exercising together - just gentle walking at first and maybe work up to C25K. She's already started making excuses. Im beginning to except that she's an adult and must know deep down the damage she is doing to herself. She does suffer with episodes of depression but I honestly think if she could just break the cycle and try to make herself physically healthier then her mental health would also improve.

It's difficult to see someone you care about who won't help theirselves and who are damaging themselves