To not go on holiday for this reason

[crimbopants]

My friend wants to go on holiday in mid Jan to somewhere on the beach.

I'm someone who is usually in fantastic shape.

Due to some ill health the last few months, I've not been exercising and I'm really out of shape and unhappy with how I look. I've gone from being lean and toned to very curvy and flabby. I hate it.

The holiday is in 3 weeks' so it's not like I can do much about it in that time.

I'm lucky to travel a lot so it's not like it's a rare opportunity for a getaway.

I honestly just can't bear the thought of being in swimwear right now. I'm always the friend that's in great shape and the thought of judgement (and maybe a bit of schadenfreude) from my friend is putting me off massively,

AIBU to decline to go on this basis. The thought of it is giving me anxiety.

Fair enough
Could you just say you can't afford it(cost of living crisis and all that....)
I'd love to go but wouldn't be wearing a bikini unless it was 30°+ on a private balcony

You can of course say no for any reason you like. Will your friend care how you look in a bikini or does she just enjoy your company?

I don’t think your friends are booking a holiday with you to judge your body, it’s most likely they just want to enjoy your company!

If it bothers you that much then you can, of course, say no. I wouldn’t assume any judgement or schadenfreude though, unless you think these people aren’t actually your friends.

A bit sad, can't you just wear a sarong?

“I'm always the friend that's in great shape and the thought of judgement (and maybe a bit of schadenfreude) from my friend is putting me off massively”

this sentiment is peculiar for good friends….

Every time I've been on the beach/in swimwear when not feeling at my most toned, it's taken about a minute of feeling self-conscious and trying to suck in my stomach before realising no one else cares and no one else is looking. And while people may notice what shape you're in, that's a far cry from judging you in any way.

If the holiday isn't booked you don't have to go along with it of course. You'd be unreasonable to pull out at short notice if it is booked though.

Buy some flattering swimwear!

Sarongs, caftans, get a spray tan!

Its about the rest and relaxation and company.
Enjoy it, look forward, you will regret not going!

You can not go for any reason you like.

I have regretted a beach holiday for this reason and that was about 2 stone ago. Last time I did a city break with a friend, I was SO relieved the hotel pool was closed. I had been planning to not use it, claiming eczema.

So have you booked it already? And if you cancel your friend will miss out? That’s pretty shitty if so.

I can't imagine ever cancelling a holiday for this reason. Life is so much more than what you look like

You can.but you need some major help.not to lose weight it to get overvyoyr body image. Fat phobic. Insecurities.weight stigma and how you relate you weight to happiness and just general thinner =better views.
It's a problem and disordered when it's limiting your life which it now is.
And it's harmful views both for you and others.

It sounds like it's only just been suggested, not booked?

No, it isn't booked. My friend just suggested going.

WTAF.
your whole identity is built around being the fit one among your friends?
Do you want to be that sad?

Ignore the rude folk OP

you'll probably wake up knowing whether you want to or not.

regardless, I hope things are looking up health wise.

If not booked then of course YANBU to not go for any reason. It is really sad though that you feel like your friend would be judging you but I do get it.

why are you so worried about judgement ? Where’s the schadenfreude coming from?

Do you judge your friends on how they look in a bikini when you are in 'great shape'?

If I said to any of my friends that I felt a bit fat and self conscious in a bikini. We would probably have a chat about being ill, exercise, food etc and then move on. There would be no judgement. It sounds like you might need to overhaul your friends rather than your body.

No one should be forced to go on holiday, if you don't want to go don't go

Seperate to that I don't get your reasons at all, how I look on holidays is the last thing I think about ever, you have some soap opera saga in your head that is probably only relevant to you

Do you put as much thought into the people you travel with as you assume they do about you?

You sound as if you are judging them by your own standards

You'd be surprised how little other people think about your appearance. It's not all-important! Go, & have a good time.

I would go. Life’s too short and no one will be looking. Wear some beach dresses instead and just say you don’t feel like going in the water, if you prefer?

I rather suspect this might be pivotal to the whole thing.

OP, the vast majority of people don't really care about how other people look. Not really. I mean, we glance, we process, we go back to thinking about ourselves.

As I've got older I've realised just how little space I must take up in people's heads ( based on how little time I spend noticing and judging people myself). I think it's something we all do more when we are younger and more insecure - and I recognise that that insecurity doesn't necessarily completely go away -and that if this is happening to you then I can guarantee that you are in the minority.