Abusive parents

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I'm at my parents for the holidays. Flew in from another country. For the past four days there's been mainly shouting and raising voices between them, towards myself and my niece who stayed over. My mother is very controlling and has to have everything her way. My father is just on egg shells and agrees with everything (but i doubt he is aware) They are miserable together. Today I blew up. Said I couldn't take it anymore and will be glad to leave tomorrow.

They think their behaviour shouldn't bother me. Mother was crying but no hint of accoumtability. Then I got stonewalled. They just sat there watching TV as if nothing happened. I was in the same room, sat there crying. They didn't give a shit.

Deep down I know I am not being unreasonable. But I feel guilt. I worry they'll twist it and say I have hurt them with my words.

Tomorrow will be business as usual. Pretend like nothing happened like they did my whole life. I fucking hate this.

Pls talk sense into me.

They always want me to visit but don't respect me. They think how they behave is normal and acceptable.

Walk away and stay away. It sounds harsh but you don’t deserve this.

mum sorry it’s happening, its hell.

It's not, and you deserve so much better. I hope you can leave tomorrow as planned and do something nice for yourself when you get home.

Wow, Freudian slip.
I’m sorry.

It's hard but cut ties. Life is too short to go through this.

I can empathise, had a similar relationship with my 'd'M.

Ended up going LC in 2019 after she came from abroad and caused her usual antics at my wedding and did her best to ruin my honeymoon (shouting, gaslighting, and my family enabling so they don't get the brunt of her behaviour). NC from 2020 after I challenged her and her true monster came out. 18 months of therapy helped me break free from the relationship. I feel free and enlightened. My therapist specialised in transactional analysis which was enormously helpful. This was recommended by another therapist who said couldn't help me due to the complexities and trauma of my childhood and early adult years.

The most important part was discovering boundaries and recognising when I'm entering child mode. My self esteem and self worth has grown slowly and everything is shifting for me in every sphere of my life since I made these decisions.

Whatever you do, start with you. What's important to you, how do you want your life to look/feel/be.. and find an amazing therapist to be raw and authentic with.

Wishing you love and light on your journey

I worry for my niece. She's just a child. Her dad, my brother, is oblivious to all this. My parents do childcare for him sometimes.

I can't control whether or not she stays in this environment, but I do try and model different behaviour for her. Perhaps something will stick. She has such a good instinct. I believe she still knows good from bad. I want to do everything I can it stays that way.

I'm heartbroken.

Thanks. I have had tons of therapy myself and know a lot.

My mother doesn't behave like this in public. Never has. Different persona altogether.

This sounds a lot like my very dysfunctional family. I just limit contact with my mum to be honest. It’s better now that I have a partner because she behaves almost like a normal person in front of other people. While I’m happy for her to have a relationship with my daughter I wouldn’t let her provide childcare/spend significant time alone with her as I now realise her behaviour towards me and my siblings when we were kids was emotionally abusive. I just won’t give her the opportunity to try any of her controlling/manipulative/toxic behaviour with my daughter.

You are doing the right thing. I know that you know. I dont have kids but have thought many times that I wouldn't leave them here to experience this. It's just awful.

She spent all afternoon snapping at us, raising her voice and controlling everything. Then my brother came and she switched to a perfectly friendly person when she talked to him. It's all part of the abuse.

Can you give specific examples?

''@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · Today 22:06
Can you give specific examples?''

How about you actually bother to read the thread before posting? the OP has already given more than enough details...

Anyway back to you OP: I would distance myself from someone like this. You don't need to put up with toxic behaviour just because you are related to someone.

It took many years for my OH to understand my mum’s true colours. I actually think the lovely/kind/caring/patient facade is the worst part. Because sometimes you feel like maybe you’re the one who’s got something wrong with you. It’s like a weird form of gaslighting.

I think with your niece, I don’t know how old she is, but if appropriate just let her know that you are there for her to talk/text/FaceTime or whatever. And if you really think it’s affecting her try having a word with your brother - but only if you think you will listen.

I am glad you guys understand. My brother won't listen. I established that long time ago. So I am just there for my niece and we have a great bond.

It is clear my parents have no compassion towards me and have no intention to reflect and change. Mother was guilt tripping me yesterday. 'It's normal to raise voices sometimes. She always knew she was the idiot. I make it sound as if she's just shouting all day'.

It's really fucked up. They'll buy presents, cook favourite food, do taxi service etc but dont respect me in the sense that they would treat and talk to me normally and respect my boundaries. I can't think for myself. Im back to guessing what mother wants in which way to not get shouted at. Yesterday I got snapped at for closing the bathroom door. They dryer was running and the door was supposed to stay open. I forgot.

And this happens every day multiple times for me, my niece and father. He has always enabled her and is just her mouthpiece. He has no mind of his own.