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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say something about SS or should I leave it

19 replies

sisandbro · 27/12/2022 20:26

SS has just turned 14, he stays with us the weekends, one night in the week and all half terms etc, the last year maybe 2, he has become absolutely glued to his xbox.

I know I know this is probably standard teen behaviour but when I say this is all he does, I literally mean it, bar the odd footy game once in a blue moon.

At home he stays up all night and sleeps during the day (weekends) he has a-lot of time off school due to being tired.

When he comes to ours we limit his wifi so he is unable to. Although he probably sits on his phone all night anyway. He does try to sleep all day but we dont let him. Although recently his dad has been letting him stay home whilst we go out because a 14 year old will not want to do what we do, (me his father & my ds 10) If I'm honest I don't like leaving him home alone but his dad says its fine.

He stays home alone quite a bit, sometimes until early hours as mum does shift work.

I just don't think it's healthy & really feel like something should be done to help as it honestly seems like an addiction. He is on it 24/7 he leaves his room for the loo & dinner thats it.

AIBU is this normal? Should I butt out.

Or say how I feel about it?

OP posts:
mamabear715 · 27/12/2022 20:28

It's a teen thing.. boys anyway. Not saying it's right or wrong, it just IS!

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2022 20:30

Sounds pretty normal to me. I imagine he is doing a lot of socialising online.

Wayk · 27/12/2022 20:30

I agree with you. It needs to be nipped in the bud. He will end up with mental health issues.

LolaSmiles · 27/12/2022 20:32

It's surprising how many teen boys are allowed to live in their rooms gaming endlessly. It's not uncommon, but just because some parents think it's fine and don't want the hassle of setting reasonable limits, doesn't mean it's right.

HomeAGnome · 27/12/2022 20:34

It's normal, drove me bloody potty I admit-but they grow out of it

Stripedbag101 · 27/12/2022 20:35

how is his school work? Have the teachers mentioned anything to his parents about concentration, performance etc?

is he getting his homework done?

is his dad not concerned about him missing school? This would really bother me. Gaming shouldn’t interfere with school. He could mess up his GCSEs

Stressedmum2017 · 27/12/2022 20:35

Hmmm how do you know he's allowed to stay up all night and sleep all day and do what he wants at home? Has he told you this or has mum said this? Or is this just assumption?

Original poster
sisandbro · 27/12/2022 20:37

I can imagine being pretty annoyed if someone essentially criticised my parenting which is how I think it will come across to mum, so I need to tread carefully.

It wouldn't come from me directly anyway I would speak with DH & then he would speak with mum.

OP posts:
Flossiemoss · 27/12/2022 20:38

Normal yes - I have one and he would game 24/7 given the chance.
however if I’m going out I take him with me - also ds17 if he hasn’t set foot through the door that day- and that includes the boring food shop.
I also would not be happy with school being missed due to Xbox induced tiredness. So yes normal but I think you’d be reasonable to have a conversation about the extent of it and I think I’d still be taking him with us if we’re going out

MoreSleepPleasee · 27/12/2022 20:38

Normal teen op. Mine doesn't want to do anything with me and is either asleep, at school or gaming.

Stripedbag101 · 27/12/2022 20:39

sisandbro · 27/12/2022 20:37

I can imagine being pretty annoyed if someone essentially criticised my parenting which is how I think it will come across to mum, so I need to tread carefully.

It wouldn't come from me directly anyway I would speak with DH & then he would speak with mum.

But surely you wouldn’t be special if directly to the mum? Your issue is with your husband and his parenting?

the problem is your husband doesn’t seem to be concerned that gaming is impacting his sons school attendance. Unless your husband is concerned and raises this with his ex then there is absolutely nothing you can do.

SabbatWheel · 27/12/2022 20:39

Lazy parenting, breeding a young man who does what he pleases, which leads to the next generation of man-child.
He is probably in need of attention and quality time spent with him doing something else - there are a myriad of free or cheap things he could be doing alongside gaming (not in place of, as gaming isn’t inherently ‘bad’, it’s just there’s too much of one thing here).

Original poster
sisandbro · 27/12/2022 20:40

@Stripedbag101 Constantly in trouble, in detention. Tells us he sleeps in class.

Always says it's not his fault it's the teachers picking on him.

But to be honest he does lie to us a-lot so its hard to believe that.

His dad hates it, he will always phone him and demand he go to school, thats if mum lets him know he's pulling a fast one but often we hear about it after the fact

OP posts:
Original poster
sisandbro · 27/12/2022 20:40

Stressedmum2017 · 27/12/2022 20:35

Hmmm how do you know he's allowed to stay up all night and sleep all day and do what he wants at home? Has he told you this or has mum said this? Or is this just assumption?

He tells us & she confirms it

OP posts:
Stripedbag101 · 27/12/2022 20:43

is Your husband willing to take
on more parenting? 50-50?

allowing the bit to miss so much school because he is gaming is shocking. It has to be your husbands decision - but if I were him I would be flagging serious concerns about the custody arrangements.

i am shocked at how many people in this thread think this is normal behaviour. Missing school should be a big deal.

has his attendance been flagged with any agencies?

maddiemookins16mum · 27/12/2022 20:51

I don’t get the acceptance by so many that ‘it’s normal’, it’s unhealthy and only normal if you let it continue.

FlyingPandas · 27/12/2022 21:42

As a parent of a keen gaming DH and three keen gaming DC I would say your DSS's behaviour is very concerning.

Teens loving to sleep and wanting to game all the time is normal. Allowing teens to sleep a lot and game a lot during their downtime is fine, if that's what they enjoy. But this should always be on condition that school work is completed as a priority, that behaviour at school is exemplary and that they also take part in other activities. And that they participate in family stuff at least occasionally. Even if they hate doing so.

Allowing teenagers to game constantly, never leave their bedrooms, stay up all night and constantly miss school because of gaming induced exhaustion is absolutely not normal and not okay. And if your DSS is also regularly getting into trouble at school then that's another red flag. Teens need boundaries just as toddlers do and it sounds as if DSS doesn't really have any and that's a major problem.

I would be very concerned if I were you OP, it's a tricky situation as you are step-parent but I think I would have to say something if I were you.

mincepiepie · 27/12/2022 22:13

Not going to school is the biggest issue. Or falling asleep in school.

So many student affected by it. But yes it pretty typical to game constantly and surface only for food and toilet breaks.

I think he needs to have rules eg-
a cut off time and go out with you when you go out, daily shower, tidy room homework done and no school Missed, family meals etc m

RandomPerson42 · 27/12/2022 22:26

It’s not a new phenomena really this - kids were video games mad in the 80s until they discovered beer n girls; but… if it’s interfering with school that is another story entirely and the gaming needs to stop at 8pm because of it.

Even if kids get as school attendance as low as 92% it drops their GCSE results a few grades on all subjects and will mean they start on much lower salaries when they start work - the last figures I saw mentioned a difference of a £10k apprentice salary or a £20k apprentice salary.

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