EOW

[scorpiogirly]

Is it reasonable to want my ex to have our daughter eow? She is 4 and will not want to be away overnight so I am thinking 9am-7pm eow sat and sun? At the moment he comes to mine every weekend to see her both days from morning until night and I cant stand it anymore. He has said in the past that it should be every weekend but I don't think that is fair as she is in school all week and I will have no opportunity to do anything with her.

Many thanks

YANBU to not want him at yours all day every weekend, does he nit have a place of his own? He really ought to be taking her there or, if it's not suitable for children, taking her out somewhere and not hanging around you.

If you can't agree on a contact schedule then the next step would be mediation and/or court to formalise an arrangement.

EOW and mid week for tea would be a standard kind of arrangement. It shouldn’t be at your house.

DS is 4 - almost 5 - and has been going overnight every other weekend since he was 3. Why won't you let her go overnight? Every weekend isn't fair as you need to spend quality time with her too but she should be going overnight if her dad can facilitate it

EOW is a long time to go without seeing kids, as per pp, EOW plus a night or 2 after school every week would be more acceptable. Pick up from school and sleep over, or pick up from school and drop back off at your at bedtime.

Definitely shouldn't be coming to your house though, needs to make other arrangements.

She is very clingy with me and I don't think she would handle staying over. Maybe when she's a little older?

He does have his own place but only 1 bedroom.

I pick her up from school every day and take her there as he works 9-5 and his workplace isn't local.

At that age they could co sleep or he can stay on sofa. I'd say you need to give it a go. He needs to build an independent relationship with his child without you around, just as much as you need to not have him at yours.

Perhaps every Saturday or Sunday for the day might be a place to start. Gets her in same routine every week if she is very anxious

She will stay clingy until you let her stay overnight with her dad

I do think you should let her do an overnight. But him coming to yours all day on a weekend is ridiculous, it restricts your freedom and it should be done at his

My eldest's dad and I split up when she was 2- she was 100% attached to me but there was no way we could exist in the same space. She got used to overnights with him pretty quickly. I know it's distressing for you and how you're feeling but it'll be harder on you than her if you're positive about it x

Keeping her with you will do nothing for her clinginess. EOW is a normal routine.

Every single weekend isn’t fair, you’re right. Maybe he needs to take her out one day a week after school too. The current set up where he is in your home every weekend isn’t fair either, nor is it sustainable. He needs to build a relationship with his child independent of you, so taking her out of your home. I get that she’s clingy, I have a clingy child too (SN) but her father needs to be taking care of her too, including overnight, even if it takes time to build up to that. The more time she spends with him when you’re not there to effectively rescue them both, the more likely they are to improve.

as others have said if you can’t agree between you then it would be a court order. does he want overnight because in the absence of any safeguarding concerns court would most likely award that. you say she wouldn’t want to stay overnight but it’s not up to a four year old to dictate her living arrangements. these are adult decisions.

Thanks all.

This has been going on years. Every weekend he has been here. For the Christmas period he's here every day that he's off work. He didn't even ask today just turned up.

We don't get on any longer. He can be verbally abusive to me and disrespect my home. I do have concerns surrounding his ability to care for her so that's another reason I would like her returned.

My DSD is 5yo, she lives 2hrs away.

We went to court and it was agreed, before school, Fri eve - Tues eve every other week along with 2 fortnights each year for holidays (we never took more than a week though). This when she was 2yo.

Now she’s at school, DP collects from school on a Fri and she’s here until Sun eve plus half the holidays.

Be careful doing anything your ex or court would see as unreasonable. DP ex tried to avoid overnight stays and look what happened.

I’d personally bite his hand off at only one overnight per fortnight…he needs the contact at his own place though.

Unless you have real reason to be concerned for her safety, ands it's not just a case of his parenting style differs to yours, then there's no reason that she shouldn't go to his.
If you have such concern that he's not safe to parent alone, you need to go to court and set up his contact through a contact centre where he can be supervised but it's not at your house.

Sorry, that should say collect from school every other Friday

You have already set the precedent that his (in)ablity to care for her is not a bar to contact as he is already seeing her and you are suggesting he can do so without you there. Looking after a child overnight is not really any different to looking after her during the day, in fact probably needs less input from him as she will be asleep.