To feel angry at my Dad and myself

[Cococrab]

My Mum passed away from cancer in November. She had treatment removed in October after it had spread to her lungs and declined rapidly after this.

My parents always had a rocky relationship. They loved eachother but were very toxic and that had a big knock on effect to my childhood. I've been dealing with that through therapy for a good decade (I'm in my 30s) but never stopped contact with them. I always took the opinion that they were young, are clearly not neurotypical though both undiagnosed and I love them.

Mum's death has completely broken me. I've been reading back through our messages together and there are so many of my Dad being unsupportive and frankly out and out selfish and aggressive to her. In an attempt to maintain a boundary and cope with other things in my life I've often responded to say that she shouldn't put up with that but should contact her best friend as I'm not the right person to speak to about it. I hate myself for doing this. And I'm angry at my Dad too. I'm finding this anger keeps rising up. Especially when he talks about Mum and gets upset. I'm now avoiding talking to him even though I want to be there for him. I don't know what to do.

I think referring her to talk to her friend was fair enough. Trying to involve you in her relationship issues wasn’t fair.

Since one of my parents died and the toxic one is left, I’ve gone to phone calls rather than visiting. I’m not interested in visiting and empathy after years of my childhood were ruined. Are you able to/do you want to pull back? You need time to grieve for your loss and not just think about his.

I think referring her to talk to her friend was fair enough. Trying to involve you in her relationship issues wasn’t fair.

I agree with this. I think you should consider grief counselling, this sounds like a difficult situation and its good to have someone you can talk to that isn't involved with the situation.

When you look at the messages, are the bad ones actually from him, or do you only have your Mums word about what happened?

She should never have put you in the middle like that. Extremely selfish and while her illness and treatment can go some way to explain this, it sounds like that’s who she was. I personally would get back to counselling / therapy and try to create some distance with your dad.

It was massively out of order for your mum to try and involve you in her marriage. She chose not to leave, and she had to live with the consequences of those choices. You now get to chose what sort of relationship you want with your dad, independent of her. It's ok to walk away now.