Co-parenting at Christmas

[plutosnose]

Feeling a bit deflated today after another Christmas of co parenting. Ex and I generally get along well. We are flexible and reasonable with each other and despite having a very toxic relationship, we do get on much better now.

I just feel like Christmas is a hard time. The usual contact routine goes out the window and he goes between the two houses a lot more which I worry about because I feel it's unsettling for him. He doesn't seem at all phased though.

I seem to have spent so much time this year waiting for him to be picked up or returned. It's meant we haven't been able to do certain things. Then there's the inevitable present comparison which I feel I always fail on because his dad gets him fun stuff whereas I tend to try and get practical things. He seems to expect a lot now because he's so used to getting two lots of presents and it seems to have made him a bit ungrateful. For example he came back from his dads on Christmas morning with an attitude of 'it doesn't look like I have very much here'.

I miss him when he's not here and when he is it feels chaotic and like I have to go above to make his time here fun. Slobbing about in pjs doesn't seem enough somehow.

I know this is how it has to be. It's never been any different since we split up. And im grateful ds has a loving and involved dad. But I do find it tricky at this time of year when I just want to hunker down with my family. Anyone else relate?

I could have written this myself. I feel like because I only get every other Christmas, I have to make the one I get extra special and that somehow makes it shit as it's so under pressure. Normal routine goes out of the window and lots of comparison on who got what etc and worrying if the other house does it better. Not so much as a Christmas card from my DC sent back from their other house when I took my son shopping for them, which makes me feel resentful, although I know it shouldn't. Christmas just isn't like the films for lots of people, sending big hugs.

How old is your DS?

For example he came back from his dads on Christmas morning with an attitude of 'it doesn't look like I have very much here'.

I'd have sent him straight back to his Dad's to be honest. Ungrateful little shit.

Sounds like he has you both wrapped around his fingers. And he will continue to exploit this if you let him. Don't feel guilty about splitting with his Dad if it was an abusive relationship.

But try and make your DS understand the importance of spending Christmas time with family, rather than just unwrapping presents. Or competing with his Dad about who can buy the biggest or best or most.

Sorry you're having a tough time at Christmas, I can understand how hard it must be for families where parent are separated. Just know that in the eyes of your child you are enough and they need your love, time and attention above all else. It must be hard not to compare and even maybe compete at times to make your Christmas more fun, elaborate etc, but whatever you do they'll enjoy because you're their Mum and being with you at Christmas is special. Be kind to yourself and try to stop putting so much pressure on yourself. There's so much more to Christmas than presents, maybe have a little talk to your son about bring grateful and appreciating everything. Big hugs to you and everyone going through a difficult time at Christmas for whatever reason.

As a step mum I have noticed fewer stressful texts from mum and dad arranging it all as the kids have got older and are happy to stay in one place for longer at a time.

Ds is 11 and he's a really lovely boy. He wouldn't ever intentionally show disrespect or be unappreciative but it's just a feeling I got from some comments he made. I know my ex has every right to see him as much as I do but I feel like I get lumbered with a lot of the mundane, day to day stuff whereas he gets to be the fun dad and swoop in during Christmas and other fun times, changing up the routine and wanting extra contact. This messes with plans that I may have but arguing with him takes me back the the abuse in the relationship so I tend to be too soft and just agree. Plus ds thinks his dad is great so is happy to be there more often.

Sorry you are struggling too. It's hard isn't it. You don't want to begrudge the other parent spending time with them and you know logically that they have as much right to see them as you, but it doesn't make it any easier. I always feel like I have the raw deal as ex is more forceful with his demands and I tend to cave in to what he wants so he ends up getting extra time even when it's my year.
We do both encourage ds to get or make presents for each other though. It's poor form that it isn't reciprocated for you.