To be fed up of being an absolute loser?

[lastSaturdaynight]

I’m almost 33 and single. I’ve had relationships but they always turn out to be disasters and I’m never the one they pick - for example the last one said I’m not ready for a relationship and then got into a relationship within 2 weeks.

I’m shit at my job. I can’t do it, I never really got training so I feel like I’m winging it. I logged off Friday and already felt sadness about having to return to work.

I’m overweight, my face is ok and I’d look a million more times better with a good 6 stone lost and I buy beautiful clothes but never have the confidence to wear and so I wear the same four frumpy outfits on rotation.

Please give me hope that I can turn this around in 2023.

Nobody is a lover. You can change anything you want to. But the first thing you have to change is your mind! Then you can make plans.

You can change anything if you want to. Start with one thing. Starting tomorrow, what one small thing are you going to change first?

What are you good at? Focus on doing something you're good at and enjoy each and every evening and also make time to exercise. The rest will follow.

You can turn it around in 2023 by investing in some therapy.

You have to have confidence and believe in yourselves. Be the best you can be. I find my confidence and stop comparing myself so much to other people in my late 30s.

Relationships are over rated, the new year is all about you! I'd tackle losing a bit of weight first, joe wicks does some great workouts on YouTube.

Would you like your job if you felt like you were good at it and fully understood it?

You can completely turn this around in 2023. I lost 6 stone in a year. Start your planning, health, exercise, job hunting, online training - just dont try and change everything at once - plan what you are going to start with in January, then what you are going to add in February, etc

Come back and tell us how you are getting on

xx

First off, you're only 33. You've not even hit your prime yet.

The weight loss you can tackle, luckily you're young so it'll come off that bit easier.

The work thing, speak to your supervisor/ line manager as soon as you go back to work. Tell them what you've told us, that you're worried you're not able to do your job as well as you want to and ask for help to do so.

As for relationships, you need to spend a good bit of time working on yourself and being good to yourself. If this is how you speak to yourself how can you hope to attract the sort of partner you absolutely deserve?

Baby steps, but you can do it.

I’d definitely enjoy it more, I had a colleague on the 23rd ask me question after question at 5pm (I think he knew the answers anyway) and each time I would answer he’d then ask a further 5 and I just broke down and started crying because I didn’t know (it was over IM on teams so no one but me knew I was crying)

I asked my manager for more training, for example I said could you please check a certain piece of work I do (never had training on it ever) to just check I’m doing it right and any areas of improvement - his response was so you just want a pat on the back.

I’m paid at least £3K under the average salary for my area. I need to move on I think.

One step at a time. Aim to lose 7lbs - a realistic first step, which will give you a boost when you achieve it. Do something that will energise you - swimming, for example. Try to be more positive about work. You are in a job, you can’t be that bad! You can make the changes you want. Good luck!

Bit older than you but feel the same.
I always feel frustrated that for a lot of people, relationships, job success and friends seems to fall in their laps but others have to work for every tiny thing.
No advice but I get how you feel x

I think you DO need to move on from your job.. find something that you're happier in -are you a people person or not? Do some thinking & see what might be a better fit for you. Get more content in that area first & then deal with the weight issue. Much easier if you're happier in yourself.
WEAR the clothes! What's the worst that can happen? They might raise your spirits a little. :-)
Relationships? Leave that one until last, when you're happy with yourself. We often look for someone to make us whole, but that can't happen until we are whole within ourselves.
I look forward to hearing from you in six or twelve months! :-)

You can SO turn this around. In a year's time you could be feeling totally different.

I'd start with exercise. You can lose weight quickly and easily just by starting to do HIIT. body weight and weightlifting. I know because I lost a stone in a year without dieting at all, and I massively overeat - I know I do. So even with overeating, I lost a stone just by doing 3-4 workouts a week. If you start with a healthier diet too, you could lose most of your excess weight within a year, maybe all of it. 2lb a week for 50 weeks (assume a bit of time off for holiday, Christmas and birthday) would be a loss of seven stone!

With work - ask for training. Just go to your manager or supervisor and say that you haven't yet been properly trained in XYZ and can this happen in new year so you can get more proficient and efficeint at your job.

I agree with PP who say get therapy. You can self refer for six to eight sessions free on NHS. Takes about 3-6 months to get the referral to come through but that's fine,. Just book it and plan to work on a given issue when the therapist can see you. I'd use them to focus on one main thing that you feel is holding you back. It's a short period of time, and you can't go into depth generally but in six sessions you really can tackle a single problematic issue.

And have fun. I honestly found this as therapeutic as anything else I did to help me out of a rut. Make a bucket list of things you have always wanted to do. Include tiny stuff, easy stuff, free stuff that you just never got around to. I remember once being in the City of London with an hour to kill and realising that since I was a child I'd wanted to go up Monument (the tower memorial to the Greatfire of London) and always felt envious of peole who had. But yjehre was no good reason I;d not done it. So I did it. £3 entry fee! Great views. And a massive sense of satisfactiuon that something I'd wanted to do for about forty years but never made time for, I'd finally achieved.

Get out those nice clothes. Put them into outfits and hang them on the outside of your wardribe door. Just put one on tomorrow morning. Even if you are just watching TV home alone. Start wearing them all the time.

Finding someone is about luck and nothing else, so scratch the first one off your list- you can easily find someone and hopefully it will be the right one but for now your biggest goal has to be about liking yourself! I’ve always been average/bad at my jobs too, I work hard to make up for it, but see if you could maybe just start looking about to see if there’s something close to your job you could sidestep into instead? After that look for hobbies/ sports you might like (I started swimming lessons two years ago as I couldn’t swim and it was mind blowing how much it changed for me) and general ways you can start to enjoy yourself more (seeing friends or doing fun stuff with family etc). Best of luck op, it’s not about turning it all around, just finding what works for you x

Check out the facebook group Now Is Your Time. The free stuff that the 2 owners put out is incredibly helpful and thought provoking and will have you challenging your own negative thoughts about yourself.

I don't have any advice on relationships or dieting but if I were you the very first thing I'd do would be to throw our your 4 frumpy safe outfits and start wearing your beautiful clothes. Everything else on your list will take some work but that's something you can do tomorrow. Next thing for me would be to look for a new job where you actually feel supported and appreciated. I think those 2 things together would give you a confidence boost and once you have that then some of the other stuff might just happen naturally.

I asked my manager for more training, for example I said could you please check a certain piece of work I do (never had training on it ever) to just check I’m doing it right and any areas of improvement - his response was so you just want a pat on the back.

Your boss is a total cunt.
Get onto a job website ASAP and start looking. I have always found signing up with an agency works well, as the agency will 'sell' you to an employer. Even a temp contract is a good foot in the door and will give you experience. It is a job-seekers market at present so don't be afraid to just take the plunge.

It sounds like 2023 is really going to be your year to shine, I'm excited for you! You've identified what you want to change so you've already made a start.

Start looking for a new job and do a few online courses in your spare time.
Focus on losing one stone (yes, I know you said you want to lose 6 stones but break it down into steps). Once you've dropped a dress size and can fit into a few of those outfits in the back of your wardrobe, you'll feel great which will spur you on to lose the next stone.
Start casually dating, meet new people and go out just for fun. See what happens.

Therapy, my love. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I struggled with low self esteem, self doubt, body hate for most of my life. I honestly thought I'd never be happy and then a close friend suggested therapy as she had a wonderful therapist. She gave me her number and the rest is history. I cannot believe the difference.

If there is one thing tou do in 2023, let it be therapy. 💕❤️

Dont worry about the job, if they thought you were bad, you would have been spoken to by a manager.

6stone is a lot to lose and it’s not going to be easy - let’s be honest.

have you got a soup maker - or do you know how to make soup on the stove. Soup makers can make up to 2litres inexpensively and healthily.

Buy freezer bags, and pour a bowl full in each bag and freeze.

Carrot and Coriander
leek and potato
spinach
cauliflower
cabbage (a bit farty tho)
lady fingers (ocre)
bell peppers
mushroom
theres plenty more …

toast two slices of bread each morning, cut up into little squares (croutons) and put in a little plastic box and add a few to each bowl of soup.

Porridge cooked in water is low calories and filling.

Your days off work, grilled chicken and fish with loads of salad.

try that for a couple of weeks, it’s harsh, but if you can do it for six weeks and lose a good couple of stone, you feel better especially when you wear the “less frumpy stuff”.

Good luck

PS if you eat ten bowls of healthy soup a day, it doesn’t matter.

100% agree that finding someone is luck. I was always the fuck buddy that no one wanted to settle down with but finally found mine pretty late in life. I had the same thing with jobs too, I always felt shit at all I did but in one particular job I took myself off in my own time to do some advanced excel training (I know that's not necessarily what you do) and finally started to feel adequate. You've missed some training so go and get that training from somewhere , work or outside of work, and you'll soon feel more confident. You can do it. Don't let this phase bring you down

Shit missed the bit where you asked your boss for training. What a dick they are!

Someone will live you for you. Wear those beautiful clothes no matter what size you are.