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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

exh came into my home shouting and roaring at me.AIBU

37 replies

sothisjusthappened · 27/12/2022 13:32

He was due to have kids for a few days before Christmas but go t abetter offer and headed off to the sun for a week.His car broke down two nights before he left and he had no heatin oil in his home.He went on holiday and rang me on Christmas Eve as he was boarding the plane to say he had no access to car or home heating .I asked why he didnt sort it before he left..tumbleweed. He asked for my car as he lives rurally and would have kids who needed drop offs and collecting.No holiday plans made for them.They were due to be with him for four days. I said he could have car but he would have to drop collect our kids from work/friends houses. This annoyed him.I am annoyed that my own plans have changed now as Ive no transport to ensure the kids get time with him.When I asked why his partner, family or any friend couldnt lend him a car( partenr away and not using hers atm) he lost his shit.Started roaring and cursing and shouting at me in front of kids.Youngest son intervened and shouted at him to leave me alone and he stood over him, cursing and threatening him.I kicked him out.He's gone.Kids refusing to go with him anymore as theyre petrified. He still has my car and will drop it back later.My own plans for a mini break tomorrow are cancelled now. Is there any part of this where i have been unreasonable? I have spent years at the receiving end of his angry tirades and trying to keep the peace in front of the kids so Im in a whirlwind of emotion right now.

OP posts:
CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 27/12/2022 13:34

What a prick! First of all make sure he returns the car, if not report it stolen.
Behaving like that is unacceptable, I'd not allow him in my home again

Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2022 13:34

The part where you were unreasonable was when you sad he could borrow your car
Hes a knob, you know this

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 27/12/2022 13:34

How old are your kids?

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2022 13:34

Get a non mol on him. He can see the kids somewhere else.

Don't put up with it. If someone treated your kids like thIs what you do?

CrackersCheeseAndWinePlease · 27/12/2022 13:35

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2022 13:34

Get a non mol on him. He can see the kids somewhere else.

Don't put up with it. If someone treated your kids like thIs what you do?

Was just going to add this. Speak to the police and get a non mol on him

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 13:35

Write down everything that happened and from now on keep very detailed log so that you have everything in order to build a case against him

BabyFour2023 · 27/12/2022 13:36

YABU to lend him your car. Why would you do this?

Lexi868 · 27/12/2022 13:37

You are definitely not being unreasonable. It sounds like you are trying very hard to have the kids spend proper quality time with their dad, even though he's acting like a prick. The kids can see for themselves how terrible he is acting.
I'm just glad you aren't together anymore...the worrying bit is how angry he gets with you in front of the children. He can't do that anymore and you need to set some boundaries around that. I feel like he thinks he can behave like this and get away with it. The fact you are asking v if any of this is your fault makes me wonder if he has made you feel guilty and gaslit you over the years. Don't fall for it. He's awful.

Soothsayer1 · 27/12/2022 13:37

Don't lend him anything, engage with him as little as possible and do everything you can to get this feckless unstable person out of yours and your children's lives.

YoBeaches · 27/12/2022 13:40

It's not your job to facilitate his parenting. You shouldn't have engaged in why this or why that and a flat no when he asked to borrow your car.

Stop enabling his behaviour. Be black and white and nothing else.

Original poster
sothisjusthappened · 27/12/2022 13:40

I gave him the car because if i didnt they would be with a very angry man stcuk out the country for days, doing nothing except for eating junk and on tech.They would not have had lifts to work or see their friends or literally do anything at all, only listen to him and his partner fight over the phone for the few days.She refuses to meet them

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 27/12/2022 13:42

sothisjusthappened · 27/12/2022 13:40

I gave him the car because if i didnt they would be with a very angry man stcuk out the country for days, doing nothing except for eating junk and on tech.They would not have had lifts to work or see their friends or literally do anything at all, only listen to him and his partner fight over the phone for the few days.She refuses to meet them

None of which was your problem.
He is a shit parent so let his dc see that

Brefugee · 27/12/2022 13:42

they work? They are old enough to say if they want to go to his or not, surely? And I'm sorry if them not going to his (batshit to give him your car but you know that already) scuppers your plans, but you have to put them first.

How old are they?

Thelnebriati · 27/12/2022 13:42

Phone the local police station and ask for the number for the domestic abuse team. Speak to them and explain the situation, ask for help. He bullied you into handing over your car, he's controlling you with threats.

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2022 13:43

I would want my car back ASAP what if he speeds in it or crashes it?

I only lent my ex a car seat once he refused to return it immediately (from literally down the road he hadn't even LEFT my street) dropped ds off sick saying I think he needs the hospital and left with the car seat! I never lent it to him again and I wouldn't let him take ds without it

Boundaries

EL0ISE · 27/12/2022 13:45

How old are your kids?

Craftybodger · 27/12/2022 13:46

I vote YABU as you should not have got into this situation. Stop facilitating him. Do not lend him your things.

YoBeaches · 27/12/2022 13:46

sothisjusthappened · 27/12/2022 13:40

I gave him the car because if i didnt they would be with a very angry man stcuk out the country for days, doing nothing except for eating junk and on tech.They would not have had lifts to work or see their friends or literally do anything at all, only listen to him and his partner fight over the phone for the few days.She refuses to meet them

If they're old enough to work then they're old enough experience real life with their dad first hand.

You are facilitating. And you are berating your ex like a child. Stop it.

VioletLemon · 27/12/2022 13:48

His problem. Utterly selfish abusive fool. Get him at arms length and do not encourage DC to see him. Support them and mirror back what they've experienced. Fathers like this continue to abuse everyone in their life, as DC grow they will be hurt, abused and neglected. Get some help for yourself to explore how you can be resolved in saying no to abuse. Don't allow him to invade your things, car, space, home.

Tinkerbyebye · 27/12/2022 13:48

As it seems the kids didn’t go get a taxi to husband collect your car

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2022 13:48

Your kids are young adults?.Are they able to get themselves to places?

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 27/12/2022 13:48

The only unreasonable thing you did was entertaining the idea of lending him your car in the first place. I wouldn't facilitate his crap planning ever again!

Starlightstarbright1 · 27/12/2022 13:49

How old are the children in this situation?

Stompythedinosaur · 27/12/2022 13:50

You are only unreasonable in that you should neither have loaned him the car nor let him in your home.

He is clearly a world class prick and his problems are not your problem. If he has no fuel or transport then the full extent of your involvement should be keeping the dc with you until he is able to adequately care for them.

SmudgeButt · 27/12/2022 14:04

Sounds like your kids are old enough to realise what $£"$ he is. Well done them! Get your car back (via reporting it stolen if necessary) and then cut all contact. Discuss this with the kids and let them know if they wish to have contact in the future you will be ok with it but for now you all need a break.

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