To expect customary gifts to be facilitated? (LPA)

[JoeWicksHair]

Sorry this is loooong 😵‍💫
My mum has advanced dementia. Lots of difficult wider family dynamics but mum & I (plus my children) were always close when she was well. The relationship became confusing as her dementia progressed as she was in denial, hid it well & I had no idea she was ill so unfortunately I took her odd behaviour personally & for a while felt very hurt by various actions so we saw each other less for a time.
I don't live very local to mum either (about half hr+ away) but siblings who all live minutes away and her husband (who isn't my dad or siblings dad) were aware she was ill, with dementia, said nothing & watched as her relationship with us became damaged due to the misunderstanding. During this time they also arranged an lpa for mum which they all control (as 2x attorneys & 2x deputies). To this day I 100% believe mum was tricked onto signing this, I reported to opg at the time but without hard evidence they weren't interested.
Once the husband / siblings had completely secured us on the outside, I was told about mums dementia and the lpa. Since then I've had to bend to suit them just to see Mum as they controlled access constantly. Like being allowed 1 visit every 6-8 weeks with notice, as they arranged a routine whereby mum was 'busy' at all other times I could visit with my children at weekends so we only had a possible option during school holidays. It's been awful but I figured any contact was better than none, which I knew would happen if I challenged things plus I can't afford court.
Things carried on like this for a number of years until recently when it came to light her husband had been physically abusing her, after an emergency admission to hospital for an injury which almost killed mum (husband denied any knowledge of that particular injury & police couldn't prove he'd caused it) they happened to find injuries all over mums body areas usually covered in clothing. He admitted it, but claimed those were due to his clumsy caregiving & not done in malice. Police couldn't prove otherwise so charges against him were dropped.
However mum is now under safeguarding and been removed from the family home, she legally has to reside in a care home now. The joy of which is we can now see Mum when we want, equal footing to my siblings & opportunity to some sort of relationship / nicer memories with her for my children.
While mum was well, we did gifts like other ppl usually do. Bday, Christmas, Easter etc. When it was finally revealed to me that mum had dementia her husband stopped all gifting from her to me however continued something modest towards my children. Because of this I didn't challenge this (as him not managing mums affairs as she'd have wanted him to), although she'd have been upset to know he was ignoring me on her behalf, because I felt he'd have stopped us seeing Mum at all by always being busy when I asked or just ignoring my requests. I felt my children receiving a gift they saw as being from their nan was too important to risk losing in terms of what it meant to their perception of that relationship.
However, this is the first Christmas since the abuse etc came to light. I no longer have to appease her husband so have nothing to do with him since. He is a nasty piece of work. Bizarrely from what I have been told by mums social worker & carehome staff my siblings are still in cahoots with him, I can only believe this is due to a financial motivation.
This Christmas however also marks the 1st time he has not facilitated a gift from my mums estate for my children. This is a change from what is usual & clearly is him acting in his own interests. I don't think this should be allowed if you're managing someone's finances under an lpa? You have to honour their wishes etc? The fact his change has followed only after his own behaviour coming to light & theres been no negative change in our relationship with mum demonstrates this is a result of his personal choice not acting for mum. If anything our relationship with mum is infinitely better now we can see her more.
I've long wondered if I did the right thing by not insisting I be gifted something for my bday & Christmas on principle. Does it set a precedent for future issues like inheritance? I'm also really worried they tricked mum to signing an amended will at the time the lpa was done. Mum had some understanding at the time but they'd not had her get a formal diagnosis at that point as they were managing her between themselves so on medical records it's not clear where she was at back then. However I spoke to her several times after I'd found out & she was adamant there was no lpa & that she would never sign one. I drew up documents to revoke the registered lpa but she was adamant there was no lpa so didn't sign.
So my Q is this: can & if so how should I challenge the lpa attorneys making a change for their own personal reasons not making customary gifts to myself & her grandchildren? Especially given the ones to grandchildren were always previously done so no cause to change.
For full picture, the sibling who is also a main attorney also has children and I'm sure they will be getting customary gifts as mums other grandchildren as will my siblings as other children. Where we now all get nothing.
The lpa not being executed to the true spirit of the donor is my main concern especially with regards to my children who felt rejected again by this happening; to them their nan being felt not to have given a gift hurt them even though I tried to explain the bigger picture of her relying on other to do this for her who hadn't done what she'd have wanted, the fact of having been pushed out of their nans life for years previously means they already don't feel very secure in how she felt about them as they only remember her during illness including the strange years when we didn't know she was ill. The reality is she adored them & wouldn't want them (or me) left out. What can I do? What is the risk in doing nothing?
Also less urgent but regarding a potential change of will since mums been ill, I'm unlikely to know until mum passes but is there anything I should do? I have known for about 30 years what mums will was to be so would know if an actual one emerges disadvantaging us it would have been obtained by deception.
(I should add, although I have no contact with mums husband or my siblings particularly now they are completely capable of getting gifts to us, in fact her husband randomly dropped off a gift to my children from my sister through the letterbox but left nothing from my Mum to any if us. So what I'm saying is., bring no contact since he almost killed my mum doesn't mean he can't facilitate gifting.
All Googles lead to Qs about lpa gifting in different scenarios to ours.
Help 🤞

I didn't miss that point, I chose to only answer that part of the long and tedious post.

Yes, there's clearly abuse going on, but I wanted to address one of the key questions the OP asked.

Yes it does.

How would giving her money away be in her best interests, how would you justify that?

But anyway, she's not lost capacity and maybe never will, so it's a moot point currently.

She lost capacity some time ago & is non verbal

I've no idea how any of this works. But I assume because mum's top up fees are paid & she has eg clothing. These services are very stretched so others in more urgent situations get priority. And mums husband might be an arse but he is highly intelligent & would likely fight everything which means the teams have been tredding v carefully over everything concerning him.

I'd be very interested in the other side of this story.

This post wasn't about your mother, it was a responding to a comment someone posted about a point I made about MY mother.

If you are concerned about how the POA is acting seek legal advice.

Gifts can be made under POA, to strict limits. In their best interest can also involve reducing the amount that will be liable for inheritance tax but it must be within strict limits, it's not always about not giving money away. Would they have wanted to reduce inheritance tax if they were of sound mind etc.

I think customary gifts are fine under an LPA provided the resources left available to the donor are sufficient. There's guidance on this from the OPG. But I don't think the attorney has to make them.

As for the rest - I think you need to discuss it with people who are able to help you find a way through the mess. Doesn't sound right that someone who has abused her continues to control her finances.

Ah, sorry

What's the bloke supposed to even buy you and your kids?

The posts on here moaning about males buying the wrong thing is bad enough!

You trust him to do that?

Your mums estate should not be used to buy presents. It should be used for her care now she is incapacitated. I'm sorry you are living in poverty but her money could not be used in good faith to buy gifts for other people.

Just to say that gifts can be bought on the person's behalf. I buy gifts for my sons carers from his money. It is in his interests to thank them for the care they provide him. These are small gifts but it is perfectly appropriate

A very long OP, which I have only skimmed, but 3 things

1- your mother would have had a certificate provider. This person was responsible for ensuring she was of sound mind and not being coerced, so who was that?

2- the attorneys dont randomly decide what the subject's preferences would have been. The subject specifies them in the LPA paperwork. So if your mum specified that she wanted gifts to you from her money, then they should be happening. If she didn't, then they should not be happening

3.LPA does not affect wills

You are focusing on the wrong things OP. Please focus on your mother and the safeguarding issues

I get, it, OP, because we have a similar situation in my family where DM (not diagnosed with dementia) but 86 and showing strange behaviour and confusion, has decided to give the "golden" child and her family (who didn't show much interest in her for decades) her attention and kindness, and has been thoroughly awful to me, the child who actually looked after her and did everything for her for 40+ years. It is very frustrating to be able to see what is going on and not to be able to do anything about it, and I can see why you would focus on the gifts aspect as something that is wrong.

FWIW, my husband and I set up powers of attorney for each other although we hopefully won't need to use them, or at least not for a long time. It is absolutely within the powers of the attorney to give gifts to family members for birthdays and Christmas etc if the person was in the habit of doing that previously. Here are the government guidelines. https://www.gov.uk/enduring-power-attorney-duties/your-duties

We are in Scotland where powers of attorney have to be officially registered when they are drawn up. Not sure where you are but perhaps there is a similar register where you could check the documents?

I think you're focusing on the wrong thing here. But regarding the gifts, I would say to DC, "Nan can't go shopping anymore so she won't be giving you presents now. Next time we visit let's take a treat to share instead. She always loved Maltesers and so do you!".

Completely agree. I take treats for us all to share every time we visit her, and 2 flasks of hot drinks with mugs from our home, as the home doesn't make them as I know she liked them. Set up a little coffee & cake time. As I often visit over meal times to help care for mum it fits well with modelling care for her that I've been prevented from giving for years. And for that I'm grateful (the chance to care for her).

We're in England. Ive never seen the original lpa document but the opg sent me a summary when I originally enquired. The witness isn't named. I followed this up as no way did mum understand & I felt she'd been tricked into signing it. If indeed it was her signature. Who knows? They didn't involve a solicitor, her husband organised the entire thing start to finish. No outside independent party involved.

Sorry I should've said, i appealled the lack of info regarding the witness but the opg said they couldn't share as it was data protection of the named witness.

I think you're going to have to chat to a solicitor

Your poor mother. Suffering dementia, domestic abuse, having to move to a care home for her own safety… presents for the grandchildren would be the least of my worries. If they were quite young and upset/disappointed by it, I’d probably just get them something, wrap it and say it’s from granny. I’m a bit flabbergasted that you seem so hung up that your mother’s abuser hasn’t bought your kids something for Christmas on her behalf.

OP if you are concerned that your mother's finances are not being managed in her best interests then you can make a referral to the Office of the Public Guardian. You referred to your mother having attorneys and deputies - unless there are attorneys for property and affairs (finances) and Deputies for Health and Welfare (which would be unusual) you have misunderstood the situation. If your mother appointed welfare attorneys and you consider they're making decisions that are not in your mother's best interests then you can refer those concerns to the OPG and/or the local social services safeguarding team - it sounds like they are already on the case, and if they are their focus will be on whether your mum is safe and well, and whether her funds have been misappropriated, not whether you and your children receive customary gifts. If you consider (based on an objective appraisal of what's happened) that none of the remaining relatives who are attorneys are sufficiently robustly able to act in your mother's best interests then you could ask the OPG to consider appointing a Panel Deputy (solicitor from the Court of Protection panel) to act as deputy. This will incur considerable costs for your mother, but the deputy can, if they consider it appropriate, investigate the protected party's finances including whether any relatively recent will was validly made. If there are grounds to set aside that will a Deputy can apply to make a statutory will, but this is a lengthy and expensive process and would only be embarked upon if the current will was plainly inadequate in terms of not reflecting the testator's current circumstances.

Your mother is married? So her husband would inherit everything upon her death? Unless her will says otherwise? How e wealthy are they? Is every penny being spent on the care home?

Rubbish. I do have LPA and I take account of the known wishes of the person, ensuring their interests are protected. Your version is twisted.