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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry that it's going nowhere

24 replies

clairelouwho · 26/12/2022 23:04

Hi all

Quick background: I've been with my DP for over a year now, but we've been friends for nearly 20 years. We're both in our mid-thirties.

When we officially got into a relationship a year ago, it felt like pulling teeth to get him to admit that we were together. We dated unofficially for 3 months before we became official. Anytime I would ask what we were, he'd always say something to the effect of "wanting to make sure his friends/family approved before making us official."

Since then, things have been really good between us once I finally got him to admit that we were in a relationship. I know that wasn't anything to do with his feelings for me-he's a very cautious person and he over-worries that he's going to mess things up.

Fast forward to now, things have been going great. We both love each other and I see a future with him. However, as I'm in my mid-thirties, I'm wanting to make progress towards building a future/family with him and whenever I mention this to him, the impression I get is one of bewilderment. He says he wants children, but when the time is "right."

I've explained that there will never really be that perfect time to start trying and I've also mentioned that if I'm to have kids, it will likely need to happen soon or it won't happen due to my age. He says he understands that but that I'm putting an insane amount of pressure on him and I don't see it as such, just me being realistic.

I do understand that we all have our own paces-it's just unfortunate that we got together now rather than earlier when we would have had more time to just enjoy being us without the biological pressure of having children. A fear I have is that we'll delay due to him and then when he is finally ready it'll be too late for me and he will leave and find someone who can have kids.

AIBU to expect that we should be trying to reach our alleged common goal sooner rather than later?

OP posts:

Keyansier · 26/12/2022 23:07

This is just IMO and I don't know either of you but to me it sounds like you are way into this relationship more than he is, and he'd have rather stuck with being a friendship.

Blinki · 26/12/2022 23:12

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Blinki · 26/12/2022 23:12

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 23:19

You seem to want different things at the moment. I'd be worried that he's going to keep me dangling from a hook until it's a bit too late. No idea if that is what he's doing, but it would be my concern.

Doyoumind · 26/12/2022 23:22

It doesn't sound like you're on the same page.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2022 23:23

He’s fully in control isn’t he? Making you wait until his fucking friends and family approve of you - so if they hadn’t, bye bye, then? He’s totally self interested. He doesn’t care how you feel or about your needs.

I don’t think he’s a good enough life partner. Withholding, controlling and uninterested in being a real team.

Sorry OP.

K37529 · 26/12/2022 23:25

A years not that long into a relationship to be thinking about children. I get it though your worried if you leave it longer it will be too late. You still have time though many women have kids these days in late 30s/40s. Maybe sit on it for another 6 months and see how he feels then? I wouldn't mention it anymore for a while incase you scare him off a baby is a big commitment.

AtrociousCircumstance · 26/12/2022 23:25

“Most of my family approve but my second cousin and a guy I used to sit next to in school both say they aren’t sure…sorry, it’s a no - you were so close!”

Fuck that OP. That alone should have signposted his emotional stuntedness.

Aprilx · 26/12/2022 23:25

I can see both points of view regarding the children. I get the biological clock thing of course, but it is only a year into the relationship. I’d also be thinking marriage ahead of children.

I think the more worrying part of your post is about his reluctance to even admit he was in a relationship with you.

lurkinglittleladybug · 27/12/2022 11:54

Sounds like you both want different things. I Would see this as a red flag and would advise you don’t waste anymore time with this man. Set him loose and go find a man who’s wanting the same things you are.

Haus1234 · 27/12/2022 12:00

Seem to be in a minority here but since we aren’t at school I don’t see anything wrong with not wanting to say someone is your girlfriend after a few dates and in fact 3 months is a perfectly reasonable amount of time to see someone casually before deciding to be “in a relationship”. Especially if you’re transitioning from a 20 year friendship!

I don’t think it’s reasonable to push him too much on timescales for having children - if he’s not ready you can’t make him ready. All you can do is decide whether or not his timescales work for you - it sounds like perhaps they don’t.

MsFannySqueers · 27/12/2022 12:03

Sometime ago I read on a thread on MN of a woman in similar circumstances to yourself OP. Another poster advised her to get out of that relationship immediately because that guy would waste that woman’s fertile years. Then he would go off and have children with a new younger partner. I think this is exactly the scenario you are faced with OP. As for having to have your relationship approved by his family and friends. Words fail me!

Sapphire387 · 27/12/2022 12:04

He doesn't sound particularly committed, tbh. It doesn't sound like a shared goal, it sounds like something you want, and you are trying to kid yourself that he wants it too.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 27/12/2022 12:06

Are you sure your relationship goals are held in common? It doesn’t sound like it to me. I’m no expert on men, not being straight, but from what I’ve observed, when they find someone they want to marry and settle down with, they don’t hang about.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 27/12/2022 12:08

He says he wants children, but when the time is "right."

Hi OP, if he isn't deliberately putting you off until it's too late then I'd be very wary of this, because he's setting rules for when it's 'right' -when we've done this, when I feel this, when my family say this etc etc. I'd pin him down on what he thinks are the conditions for it feeling right.

Not ttc related but I once had a manager who would never make a decision because 'we don't have all the information.' It was pointed out to him time and time again that we never would have 'all the information,' and we concluded it was a stalling tactic so he didn't have to make a decision and stand by it. I get the same feeling when I read about your DP saying about it feeling right.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 12:09

Do you even live together yet? A year isn't that long to be strong-arming a boyfriend into having a baby and frankly you sound far keener on him than he does on you. It doesn't bode well.

Inkpotlover · 27/12/2022 12:11

Also, this line jumped out at me: He says he wants children, but when the time is "right."

Did he say he wants children with you, or just that he wants children?

PlinkPlonkFizz · 27/12/2022 12:12

I would leave him. He sounds immature (looking for approval) and lacking commitment. It's a hurtful situation for you.

SVRT19674 · 27/12/2022 12:14

Hmmm good question from the poster above. I get this feeling you are the good-enough-for-now girl and no, he doesn´t see you as the mom of his kids. I would get out now. I had my kid very late, luckily I still could but the story isn´t the same for everyone. Find someone who is on the same page, he isn´t.

JustforAlice · 27/12/2022 12:26

But it’s not an ‘alleged common goal’. It’s just your goal. He has not from the information you’ve given said he wants to have children with you.
A relationship of only one year is really short - very short to be considering children together. You don’t know someone properly in that time. I think he’s being sensible and your biological clock should not be a deciding factor. It’s not fair on either of you and may end up being unfair on any future children.

kingtamponthefurred · 27/12/2022 12:39

Why would a grown man need the approval of 'family and friends' and what hoops is he expecting you to jump through to obtain it?

DifferentYearSameShit · 27/12/2022 12:39

Why does your relationship have to be going somewhere? Is it important that the status of your relationship is known to your family/friends? Why can't you just be dating your partner?

nancydroo · 27/12/2022 12:44

Fast forward to you having kids...imagine how painful each decision you make about the children is going to go...a right pain in the arse.

Elena567 · 27/12/2022 13:20

My first thought was he’s stringing you along while he waits for something better to come along. When a man meets the right woman for him he knows it, and will not want to risk losing her. He’s pushing you away, he is not scared of losing you.

Sorry OP, find someone who doesn’t doubt you’re the one.

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