To be upset? | Mumsnet

SplashparkSummer · 2022-12-26T22:19:32+00:00

I invited my boyfriend's sister and her children over the weekend before Christmas for lunch and exchanging presents. We had a lovely time. When they were going DBF's DS went upstairs to say goodbye to my DD who was in the bedroom we share upstairs. DD and I are sleeping on a mattress at the moment as my bed broke and I've not replaced it as I'm turning the room into a bedroom just for my DD. All the things under the bed are just on the floor around the mattress now, and there was also lots of bags of Christmas presents etc. Basically, it is a complete tip. The landing also had lots of Christmas things I was in the middle of sorting out. There's lots to do which I've been struggling with due to mental health, Long Covid and now an underactive thyroid and low iron and B12. However, downstairs was clean and tidy, Christmas decs and tree up. I'd got them all nice presents and did a big buffet for them. I found out today that DBF's DS got drunk on Christmas day and was slagging me off. Saying my house was a tip and I was neglecting my DC. The worst thing was apparently my DBF didn't even stick up to me. That was left to DBF's nephew who did stick up for me and told me what happened. I'm really gutted. How could she be so unkind? I've never been anything but nice to her.

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 22:24

I wouldn't be inviting her around again.

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 26/12/2022 22:44

OrigamiOwls · 26/12/2022 22:24

I wouldn't be inviting her around again.

No, I don't think I will now.

OP posts:

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/12/2022 23:13

She is clearly very 2 faced and judgemental, and don't ever invite her again. Take heart in that she isn't a happy, secure person, and anyone who is happy and secure wouldn't criticise someone behind their back. My guess is, she is jealous of you and was insecure at what a good Christmas spread you put on so had to pull you down.

Though the bigger issue here is that your boyfriend didn't speak up for you to her. Though, is itnpossible that his nephew might be sh*t stirring... or did his sister say it as badly as that (did she make a passing casual remark about the room being untidy that he's exaggerated (still wrong, but not as bad)? (sorry, but the thought did go through my mind as second hand info isn't always accurate).

If it did happen like his nephew says, and your boyfriend didn't stand up for you then you need to talk to him and ask why.

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/12/2022 23:14

*it possible

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 11:27

Frazzledmummy123 · 26/12/2022 23:13

She is clearly very 2 faced and judgemental, and don't ever invite her again. Take heart in that she isn't a happy, secure person, and anyone who is happy and secure wouldn't criticise someone behind their back. My guess is, she is jealous of you and was insecure at what a good Christmas spread you put on so had to pull you down.

Though the bigger issue here is that your boyfriend didn't speak up for you to her. Though, is itnpossible that his nephew might be sh*t stirring... or did his sister say it as badly as that (did she make a passing casual remark about the room being untidy that he's exaggerated (still wrong, but not as bad)? (sorry, but the thought did go through my mind as second hand info isn't always accurate).

If it did happen like his nephew says, and your boyfriend didn't stand up for you then you need to talk to him and ask why.

I hadn't thought of her being jealous. It is possible as I own my own (small) house and she is living in a rented tiny 1 bed flat with her teenage son. I do feel sorry for her and have often offered support if needed in helping them move somewhere bigger. But I suppose she could be taking that frustration out on me. I could understand that if she'd just moaned about my house being a state but saying I'm neglecting my children is taking it a step too far.

DB's nephew isn't shit stirring. We're actually really close so I know he is being truthful.

I've not spoken to DBF yet. It's really upset me. I want to wait til I can talk to him in person.

OP posts:

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 11:33

Bit confused by all the abbreviations but When they were going DBF's DS went upstairs to say goodbye to my DD who was in the bedroom we share upstairs. I would have got DD down to say goodbye personally.

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 11:33

But the main point yes well out of order and I'd not be having any contact with them again

RudsyFarmer · 27/12/2022 11:35

Just sort out the space ASAP.

JoyPeaceSleep · 27/12/2022 11:39

That is very hurtful. I would make the decision though to stop trying to please her or change her mind or win her approval back in any way.

Just go robot when you see her. Pretend that somebody has programmed you to be polite and you will fulfil that programming.

It is shocking that your brother was so weak that he didn't say something to defend you or your priorities.

I am a single parent and my home wouldn't be fit for inspection either. I am careful who I invite over. Our bathroom isn't fit to be seen by judgmental people, only by friends who understand that a new bathroom could be about 7 grand.

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 11:41

astralpiano · 27/12/2022 11:33

Bit confused by all the abbreviations but When they were going DBF's DS went upstairs to say goodbye to my DD who was in the bedroom we share upstairs. I would have got DD down to say goodbye personally.

My boyfriend's sister headed up the stairs before I had a chance to stop her. I wasn't particularly wanting guests to see the upstairs but I felt close enough to her to think it would be ok.

OP posts:

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2022 11:41

Horrible to say bad things about you. What is the motive of the nephew in telling you ? He did his bit when he defended you, what is he hoping to achieve by telling you (other than cause a shit storm)

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 11:41

RudsyFarmer · 27/12/2022 11:35

Just sort out the space ASAP.

Well, yes, I'm doing that.

OP posts:

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 11:43

JoyPeaceSleep · 27/12/2022 11:39

That is very hurtful. I would make the decision though to stop trying to please her or change her mind or win her approval back in any way.

Just go robot when you see her. Pretend that somebody has programmed you to be polite and you will fulfil that programming.

It is shocking that your brother was so weak that he didn't say something to defend you or your priorities.

I am a single parent and my home wouldn't be fit for inspection either. I am careful who I invite over. Our bathroom isn't fit to be seen by judgmental people, only by friends who understand that a new bathroom could be about 7 grand.

I actually don't have many people over. But I stupidly though she was close enough to me to understand.

OP posts:

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 11:45

ExtraOnions · 27/12/2022 11:41

Horrible to say bad things about you. What is the motive of the nephew in telling you ? He did his bit when he defended you, what is he hoping to achieve by telling you (other than cause a shit storm)

He knows I'm a very straight forward person who likes to know the truth. It made him very uncomfortable when this was going on and I would have known there was something happening when I saw him next.

OP posts:

JoyPeaceSleep · 27/12/2022 11:46

Having re-read your posts @SplashparkSummer I wonder if she might feel that you were acting slightly as a rescuer. You had felt sorry for her and offered support and taken the role of ''one up'' - this is just a possibility. You offered to help her find somewhere bigger. I would be more careful who you offer help to in the future. If she hadn't asked for your help or support, I would deduce that it may have been interpreted as kind yes but also coming from a place where you assumed you were better, or better off. Which if you own your own house then in my opinion, you are. But still, you have to be careful. Perhaps when she saw a big mess and the two of you sharing a mattress on the floor she thought, wait, what, this is the woman who's been looking at us as projects that need help??

That's just to play devil's advocate there. I do think you did a nice thing putting on a decent christmas spread for your bf's sister. apologies, at first i thought it was your brother's girlfriend and that it was your brother who hadn't spoken up for you.

RudsyFarmer · 27/12/2022 11:49

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 11:41

Well, yes, I'm doing that.

Show quote history

Then sort it out and forget about it. She’s judged you on the basis of a temporary situation. She’s a twat. End of.

MyBooksAndMyCats · 27/12/2022 11:51

I wouldn't worry about it, my house is a tip so is everyone's at Christmas! All those presents to home etc.

That said they sound like a bunch of dicks. I would be questioning if I wanted to stay with a boyfriend who couldn't stick up for me.

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 14:11

JoyPeaceSleep · 27/12/2022 11:46

Having re-read your posts @SplashparkSummer I wonder if she might feel that you were acting slightly as a rescuer. You had felt sorry for her and offered support and taken the role of ''one up'' - this is just a possibility. You offered to help her find somewhere bigger. I would be more careful who you offer help to in the future. If she hadn't asked for your help or support, I would deduce that it may have been interpreted as kind yes but also coming from a place where you assumed you were better, or better off. Which if you own your own house then in my opinion, you are. But still, you have to be careful. Perhaps when she saw a big mess and the two of you sharing a mattress on the floor she thought, wait, what, this is the woman who's been looking at us as projects that need help??

That's just to play devil's advocate there. I do think you did a nice thing putting on a decent christmas spread for your bf's sister. apologies, at first i thought it was your brother's girlfriend and that it was your brother who hadn't spoken up for you.

Thank you for your thoughts. I hadn't looked at it like that. Yes, I agree I am significantly better off in terms of housing but hadn't meant to seem 'better' than her in anyway as goodness knows I've had my struggles.

OP posts:

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 14:13

MyBooksAndMyCats · 27/12/2022 11:51

I wouldn't worry about it, my house is a tip so is everyone's at Christmas! All those presents to home etc.

That said they sound like a bunch of dicks. I would be questioning if I wanted to stay with a boyfriend who couldn't stick up for me.

@MyBooksAndMyCats - yes, I am questioning our relationship. I think it depends how he reacts when I speak to him about it.

OP posts:

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2022 14:38

Maybe it hurts her to think that whilst you have something she'd desperately love to give her child, she went upstairs and saw what to her mind was not caring about your child, but only for the bits that other people would see?

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 22:25

NeverDropYourMooncup · 27/12/2022 14:38

Maybe it hurts her to think that whilst you have something she'd desperately love to give her child, she went upstairs and saw what to her mind was not caring about your child, but only for the bits that other people would see?

I'm turning the room into a room just for my child and will be sleeping on the sofa, myself. She knows all the plans for the room. However, there just isn't the space to make that room neat right now, especially with the Christmas presents. It is because I am making it into a room for my DD that it is like that. That's why downstairs is tidy and that room isn't.

There are reasons why she is where she is. And they were due to her making bad choices. I have never judged her for that. I have been nothing but supportive, but clearly it doesn't go both ways.

OP posts:

RandomPerson42 · 27/12/2022 22:35

Sounds like she was rude, plenty of people are, but it also sounds like she was maybe kinda accurate - I obviously can’t tell from a text description that may under or over estimate. Some people don’t have a social-filter and some poeple don’t care how they live - we can’t all be the same.

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 22:46

RandomPerson42 · 27/12/2022 22:35

Sounds like she was rude, plenty of people are, but it also sounds like she was maybe kinda accurate - I obviously can’t tell from a text description that may under or over estimate. Some people don’t have a social-filter and some poeple don’t care how they live - we can’t all be the same.

She was accurate that the room was a tip, yes. But as I say I thought she may have been more understanding, knowing what has been going on for me. She was not accurate in saying I am neglecting my DC. I very much care how I live and it's not so much she has no social filter as she wouldn't say this to my face - only behind my back.

I've spoken to her and she's denied it all, says her nephew is shit stirring. But also says it's possible my boyfriend was slagging me off to his nephew.

OP posts:

growgrowinggrown · 27/12/2022 22:51

Sorry if I've misunderstood but are you going to be sleeping on the sofa long term?
As in giving up your bedroom all together and staying in the living room?
That does sound rather difficult situation.

Original poster

SplashparkSummer · 27/12/2022 23:33

growgrowinggrown · 27/12/2022 22:51

Sorry if I've misunderstood but are you going to be sleeping on the sofa long term?
As in giving up your bedroom all together and staying in the living room?
That does sound rather difficult situation.

Yes, I have a 2 bedroom house and 2 children who need their own rooms. Due to my circumstances, I'm not able to move anywhere bigger. It'll be ok and won't be forever.

OP posts: