MIL seeing grandchildren

[pinksheetss]

Bare with me if this one is a bit long

MIL is very particular about how she does things, not in a bad way but very loving with her children/grandchildren and spending time. All has to be documented for Facebook as well but the love is still there and appreciated.
Never had any issues with her before until first dd was born and it's escalated over Xmas

For context, MIL spends a lot of time working away or living in another country, coming home for a week or two at a time or sometimes longer for 6 weeks. She sees dd when she comes home and when we stayed in a larger house she would come visit/stay over.
She has hinted a lot that she wants to have dd on her own and overnight. Only issue with this is that we have never required care and she doesn't have the facilities to take dd overnight. Her house is about 40 mins drive away and one bedroom flat. She doesn't have a car seat to take her places and also my dd is not even one yet

She has been home for a few days now for Christmas and is complaining she isn't allowed to see dd and we don't trust her to have her. She seems to think it's a competition with her and my own mum because my mum gets to see her. This is because my mum lives one street away from us and provides permanent childcare for us when I am at work (working full time). We can't get this from MIL because her schedule is all over the place. Dd also goes to nursery so I have now had a comment that I trust my mum and random women at nursery with dd but not her.

It all started really because of dds birthday coming up and us saying we wanted it at home with her ourselves and made plans to see everyone the following day(s). Essentially dds birthday is 3rd Jan so can't hold a party as no where near open and our house is a small two bed home which isn't feasible to host people in. We didn't want to have people coming in and out all day and didn't one time have one grandparent here the entire day while the others couldn't (MIL is separated from FIL and they don't get on, and then she doesn't get on with my mum for some reason as finds it a competition so to save stress we thought let's have no one round and see others on our terms).
Well all hell broke loose with MIL (and only MIL) for this because she's not getting to see dd on her birthday or blow out her candles. I am aware that I am probably being unreasonable on this so I did retract and say if it was that important to her then she can come. We initially didn't want to have her drive so long to only be here a short time so said we'd spend the whole of the 4th with her to celebrate. Thought I was being appropriate but it really upset her so changed.

Since this though MIL has continued to message that we have upset her, don't trust her and hurtful etc and that it's a competition with my mum. My mum doesn't know any of this and has never said a word about MIL either so trying to keep her out of it.
It put a huge dampener on Xmas day for me as she was messaging all of this and I hate conflict with others and then again today as well. I again pointed out she's only been home 5 days so hasn't even given us a chance to request childcare or let her spend time alone with dd.

DP has told her all of this also and does put her straight, sometimes too harshly. So now he's a bad one for all of this too and I'm influencing him to say all this apparently and he is changing - I think hinting at me changing him this way.

It's just very draining. I want to do the right thing and have a good relationship with her but it seems it can only be that way if I let her look after dd on her own and have her overnight. I work full time so any weekend/holiday time I have I want to spend with my dd not give her off to someone else. I don't understand why we can't all spend time together either

Am I missing something here that I could be doing different to make this easier all round? I don't want to hurt MIL or argue and never speak to her but I also don't want to be forced to back down if my own actions and thoughts are not unreasonable.

I empathise with you and would find it really hard to deal with. However don't let her walk all over you. Tell her your plans and stick with them. Either she agrees or she misses out.

You are right. She is only one. Your MIL sounds unhinged. What does your DH say?

Put this back to dp. Frankly she sounds batshit

It's all on her terms. She's not around much but when she is she expects things on tap.

She's jealous of your mum (who is a constant in your dcs life and a real support). She can't be the same room as her ex partner so makes everything more difficult.

She can hint all she bloody likes about having your baby overnight but seeing as how she hasn't actually done much (any?) babysitting and can't cope with that anyway without car seats etc what on earth does she expect

I hate this showboat grand parenting. And that's all it is.

I meant to say also that I have name changed because if MiL saw this she'd have to know it's me 🙈

DP says the same as me and tells her that also but apparently he's quite harsh with it. She seems to be turning it round on me and I must be making him say this or manipulating him to feel this way.

She has three other grandchildren also all from another son and has been in their lives more because their dad was going through a bad state and wasn't around as much and not with their partners. I suspect she is expecting the same with our dd but ultimately we just don't need the help so we are the bad ones because she isn't getting time

I'm also just baffled because she's not been in the country often. She lives a great life and we love that she has taken time for herself and is doing what she wants. It just feels like once she's home it all has to be what she wants and her terms. It's exhausting mentally.

Also it's my dds first birthday. She won't even know what's going on for the day so I don't see why it's any difference seeing MIl on the actual day or making time to celebrate with her the day after. Dd won't know or remember and frankly after all the running around over festive period trying to see everyone (because strangely she's not the only person in our lives, even aside from my own mum! We have other family members to see and broken parents mean four sets of that!) a chill day at home together for her birthday sounds much better to me and then seeing everyone on our terms.

Never expected having a child to cause so much issues or entitlement with others. I feel bad though as I know many would love for grandparents to be involved who aren't

She is totally in the wrong and her behaviour is going to make this a self fulfilling prophecy. She will alienate herself from you all. Unfortunately when that happens she will consider it proof that she was right all along. You really can't win with people like this. We have one in the family ourselves and it's wearing.

All you can do is refuse to be drawn into the conflict. Don't pander to her by changing plans when she tantrums. Keep saying a firm no to the sleepover and alone time requests - this isn't unreasonable and you don't need to give her an excuse. Don't respond to the critical or argumentative texts. Hang up the phone when she kicks off. Calmly ask her to leave if she starts it up at your home. And then contact her as you normally would for a chat or to arrange a coffee etc, literally pretending that her latest tantrum (which you ignored) didn't happen. If she starts trying to argue again, you go back to square one and ignore/hang up/ask to leave. Eventually she will learn that you don't tolerate her bullshit. It may not be quick and it won't be pretty but it will be worth it!

People pushing to have my DC alone is such a red flag to me! What do you want to do that you can't do if I'm there. I also work full time and any time not at work, I want to see my DC. Not palm them off on grandma. She's had her DC.

Your DD, your rules. She takes it or leaves it.

You're lucky you have a DP wiling and able to tell it to get like it is, regardless of whether or not she thinks you're putting him up to it. That's for him to sort.

Set boundaries and stick to them

Thank you for these responses so far. I've had such a tension headache since yesterday over all of this and really thinking I am doing something wrong but battling with myself over my own feelings so I'm glad I'm not the only one

Funnily enough, she's posted pictures on Facebook now of when we seen them earlier so it's funny to me she's saying we don't let her see dd but posting pictures of her doing exactly that. We drove to see her Xmas Eve and Boxing Day because we were at my parents Xmas day

Sorry op but it sounds like you are starting to pander to her. Driving to see her Christmas Eve AND Boxing Day because you saw you parents Boxing Day??!! Why?

personally her behaviour would make me spend less time with her and be less flexible. I think it’s a dangerous route to go down to let her get her way because she’s been manipulative.

also if she’s sending multiple messages having a rant at you ignore them. Especially on Christmas Day, that’s so selfish of her!!!

Tell her you organise your life around what’s best for your family. You DD sleeping over one night with her isn’t best for DD it’s just want MIL WANTS and so she’s grumping about it like a child.