Is this manipulative?

Bobtree · 2022-12-26T20:03:15+00:00

I have been with DH for 16 years. I know he loves me and always says “he would do anything to make me happy”. However, over the years there have been times where I have been very specific about certain things I would appreciate, what things do make me happy etc. He has continually ignored these, in my opinion, very basic asks. But then when I pull him up on it I get the tears and “my best isn’t good enough” which then makes me feel bad. he also doesn’t really listen to what I say, then gets in a hump because he has misunderstood me. This was very painful when a close friend passed away, I said someone was setting up a fundraiser and he thought I meant me! So then he was a dick to me for a whole day because this friend was a bloke from my past so he got jealous, rather than supporting me through grief. I’m starting to realise that this isn’t fair and also our sex life is completely non existent. I think this is because deep down I don’t really have that sexual attraction to him and never have. we got together when I was quite young and I think I have just outgrown his very romantic idea of love. I know most women would love a man like DH, he is a good dad and pulls his weight…. But I just feel I am too young to be in a sexless, loveless marriage on my part just for an easy life.

Stompythedinosaur · 26/12/2022 20:06

Saying he would do anything for you is cheap, when he isn't acting on it. I wouldn't particularly want to be with a man who didn't listen to me.

BCBird · 26/12/2022 20:08

Sounds very difficult. I was lured in in my first relationship,not until.my mid 40s🙈,as I just wasn't bothered, and quickly the sex fizzled out- his part not mine. It demoralising I know. Do you think you can both revive your sex life? Do u want to? I.can understand how u might be put off by this child like behaviour. Good luck.

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 20:10

There's quite a few things to take in there that are going on. One thing that stand out is that you seem to be on a different wavelength and you have different expectations. For whatever reason, you don't feel he fulfills your needs and he feels he either doesn't understand what you need or can't seem to give that to you.
Could you give examples?
The next big thing is the romantic attraction. You said you don't have much of that going on and never have. I wonder if that's something you are craving in a relationship and you feel you've not had that sexual connection.
There must have been something there that drew you both together, but again it's not aligning with what you really want.
The tears seem genuine when reading it. I feel he might be more attracted to you than you are to him and he genuinely doesn't know how to please you.
The part about the jealousy he had does seem a little odd and childish. He seems a bit insecure.
Again I don't know enough so some of this is my assuming

Original poster

Bobtree · 26/12/2022 20:17

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 20:10

There's quite a few things to take in there that are going on. One thing that stand out is that you seem to be on a different wavelength and you have different expectations. For whatever reason, you don't feel he fulfills your needs and he feels he either doesn't understand what you need or can't seem to give that to you.
Could you give examples?
The next big thing is the romantic attraction. You said you don't have much of that going on and never have. I wonder if that's something you are craving in a relationship and you feel you've not had that sexual connection.
There must have been something there that drew you both together, but again it's not aligning with what you really want.
The tears seem genuine when reading it. I feel he might be more attracted to you than you are to him and he genuinely doesn't know how to please you.
The part about the jealousy he had does seem a little odd and childish. He seems a bit insecure.
Again I don't know enough so some of this is my assuming

I think you are right on many of these points. Throughout our whole relationship I have been very aware he is scared I will leave him. He will never be good enough for me etc.
But now I feel that is a very unfair view to put on me and I don’t hate him and the thought of hurting him does genuinely pain me.
But then is it fair to expect me to stay? He has also always said if I am ever not happy he would never stop me from walking away.
The more I write it out the more I see it for what it is.
to be clear, we do get on, have a laugh and have a very similar sense of humour! So at the start I think I was young, low self esteem and this guy was actually in love with me!
Now I am a lot older I feel that I just kind of accepted the first man who was serious about me and was lucky that overall he’s not a bad guy.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobtree · 26/12/2022 20:26

BCBird · 26/12/2022 20:08

Sounds very difficult. I was lured in in my first relationship,not until.my mid 40s🙈,as I just wasn't bothered, and quickly the sex fizzled out- his part not mine. It demoralising I know. Do you think you can both revive your sex life? Do u want to? I.can understand how u might be put off by this child like behaviour. Good luck.

I just don’t think that side of the relationship for me is there.
I think we do need to separate and it is giving me such a heavy heart. He is a good man, I just think we both want different things out of a marriage and I am done with trying.

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NumberTheory · 26/12/2022 20:37

On the sex front - if you’ve never really been into him it’s unlikely you will get what you want from him now, especially if he’s as self-absorbed and uninterested listening to you or in pleasing you as he sounds. If you want a sex-life you need to look elsewhere.

Lexi868 · 26/12/2022 20:37

Bobtree · 26/12/2022 20:17

I think you are right on many of these points. Throughout our whole relationship I have been very aware he is scared I will leave him. He will never be good enough for me etc.
But now I feel that is a very unfair view to put on me and I don’t hate him and the thought of hurting him does genuinely pain me.
But then is it fair to expect me to stay? He has also always said if I am ever not happy he would never stop me from walking away.
The more I write it out the more I see it for what it is.
to be clear, we do get on, have a laugh and have a very similar sense of humour! So at the start I think I was young, low self esteem and this guy was actually in love with me!
Now I am a lot older I feel that I just kind of accepted the first man who was serious about me and was lucky that overall he’s not a bad guy.

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He does seem to have good attributes and I think sexual connection is something that many people want to have as a constant in a relationship, where it often can come and go during times. The fact you've not ever felt truly.connected in that way is interesting because it may be a bit of confusion for you. Perhaps you are fantasising of what a relationship would look like and looking at what is missing. What would you lose from the relationship if you lost him? Because a decision to break up with him would also mean losing the good things. You may find someone who ignites your flame but they might not connect with you in other ways.
I'm not saying you should settle but sometimes we fantasise about things being a certain way and often imagine the grass is greener.
I think you need to really take some times to have a deep think about it all. Good luck x

BCBird · 26/12/2022 20:39

I wish you all well.

Original poster

Bobtree · 26/12/2022 20:41

NumberTheory · 26/12/2022 20:37

On the sex front - if you’ve never really been into him it’s unlikely you will get what you want from him now, especially if he’s as self-absorbed and uninterested listening to you or in pleasing you as he sounds. If you want a sex-life you need to look elsewhere.

To be clear, if I turned round to him tomorrow and said I want sex every day there would be complaints!
I am not saying I am completely blameless in all of this. He has been a very patient man and I do feel there are maybe some issues I need to work through. But he is quite overbearing with his “love” and will want to help. But I think these are my issues that I need to work on by myself.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bobtree · 26/12/2022 20:54

Sorry, I meant there would be no complaints!!!

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NumberTheory · 26/12/2022 20:55

Bobtree · 26/12/2022 20:41

To be clear, if I turned round to him tomorrow and said I want sex every day there would be complaints!
I am not saying I am completely blameless in all of this. He has been a very patient man and I do feel there are maybe some issues I need to work through. But he is quite overbearing with his “love” and will want to help. But I think these are my issues that I need to work on by myself.

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I’m not suggesting you are “blameless”, in someways, you’re more “to blame” on this front. Getting into a long term sexual relationship with someone you’re not really sexually into could be seen as manipulative on your part.

BUT the issue here isn’t blame. It doesn’t matter if he or you ought to have behaved differently or ought to feel differently. The issue is - How are you going to live the rest of your life?

You seem to have a lot of questions about yourself as well as about your relationship with him. Individual counselling for yourself and relationship counselling could help. You should probably encourage him to talk to someone too as it sounds like he has issues of his own to work through.