Mum V wife debates?

[courtneyriordan]

I've been seeing so many DILs say comments such as "if my son thinks i come before his wife, i failed as a parent" am i the only one who thinks it's absolutely ridiculous that there's constantly a debate between who should come first?

I'm a DIL myself with a son who will one day make me a MIL too and I would hope that my future DIL and I never feel like we're competing with one another. They're two very different positions in a man's life, one who gave him life and one who's providing and creating life with him. I find it so bizarre to hear arguments as to who is more important.

As a mother, my son is the most important thing in my life, and i don't expect him to be married and perhaps with kids and expect to be his most important, despite him always being mine, i'd hope that his future children are his most important.

Pathetic to me to think there's in laws who don't get along because of petty comments and sheer insecurity.

You’re not wrong but I’ve never seen this being said

That tends to come up when one lets their mother / father have more say and control in their life than an adult should be letting their parent have, or when a grown adult child seems to believe their parent male or female can never be wrong or do harm at all at the expense of their partner.

I agree with you. It never occurred to me or my MiL that were rivals. We played two different positions on the same team. I often wonder how much of the insecurity and rivalry arises because of the behaviour of the man in the middle, playing one off against the other, refusing to make decisions, wanting both women to mother him and so on.

I've never seen it being said.

Having said that, there is so much ridiculous competition and pettiness towards MILs and DILs on Mumsnet, that I regularly cringe when reading it.

I've yet to see, hear or read about FILs and SILs (son-in-laws) acting this way.

I'm ashamed to say it seems it's very much a female thing.

You aren't wrong.

However, my ex's mum was like this. She saw me as competition in terms of caring for her son. In 6 years I wasn't even able to get him a birthday cake as it had to be the same Colin the caterpillar he had had every year for decades. (And "special" candles kept at her house)

But, she had given up everything in her life when her son's were born: work, her friends and all her hobbies, as she believed that is what she needed to do as a mother. Which is very sad really, and so she struggled when her kids grew up. She was a nightmare, but also a good life lesson to learn from!

Well you don't often get men competing with each other to care for someone else, no. I'll give you that!

3 single ds's here. Wish I had a blooming dil to get rid of at least 1 of them!

Yeah men don’t tend to fight over who’s making birthday cakes, or who’s hosting a meal or whatever.

Maybe if you throw a bbq into the mix they may start to grumble about who cooks steak better, or who can cut the lawn into the best lines.

Men also don’t tend to try and demand that other men must come and help lay tables or clear away after dinner or help serve the dinner. Tend to be the hosting women giving other women jobs to do while the men folk do whatever.

Exactly!

I've been seeing so many DILs say comments such as "if my son thinks i come before his wife, i failed as a parent"

I’ve never seen this.
I have seen posters on here get really irate because their DH ‘prioritised’ their mum while sick or something instead of their wife. The reality is life ebbs and flows. The person who needs it most come ‘first’ if you will depending on need, whether that’s spouse, an ill child, a recently bereaved parent etc.
The obsession with either MIL or DW being first is toxic.

I agree with this ^^

Mmm. Obviously one should avoid competition, and dil and mother can be on the same team ideally, but I think it is an enormous amount of pressure on an adult child if they are the most important thing in your life, once they have left home and have a partner or spouse of their own, even if you don't expect to be the most important thing in theirs. They will be all too aware of how you feel about them and it will be as much of a pressure as a support I'm afraid.

Bluntly, as a balanced, independent, adult child, don't you want your parent to be emotionally content in their life with a love of their own? Or at least fulfilling interests and their own list of priorities that don't involve you?

Of course adult children are hugely important in your life and you still love the very bones of them but I think once they are adult then they become one of the most important things in your life surely, because your role has changed and you are no longer responsible for them, they are responsible for themselves?

It's tough but I think we need to step back and cut them free emotionally, for their sake, because their primary focus needs to be on their own family and not on us. That doesn't mean that you don't step in and roll up your sleeves in an emergency situation when invited to do so and the situation requires it, but otherwise I think it is best if there is mutually balanced love, respect, friendship and independence between you.

My ex's mom was weird. She'd always say to us that I won't come first until we had kids. He'd always bang on about how his mom is his number 1, she will always get the front seat of the non-existent car. I think she must have breastfed him until he was at least 15

Thinking again as well. We as women tend to put so much more pressure on everything being just so and are held to a higher stand than men as well. So while again men don’t pick their son in laws or whatever they tend to just bond or chat over say bbq or football or rugby a love of stinky cheese etc and there isn’t a deeper want or need where as women are expected to host and plan and generally just be nicer and more caring and involved.

Father in laws / son in laws don’t get blamed for not getting a family member a thoughtful gift or card but daughter in laws tend to get the blame because great aunty Doris didn’t get a birthday card when dil doesn’t even know when Doris birthday is and the son should be more than capable of buying a card.

This is so true.
The number of threads on here from DiLs complaining about their MiLs not 'being interested in DC' (aka babysitting) never a mention of FiL.
MiLs who never see their GC because their DiL favours her parents. Rarely any acknowledgement that their DS could facilitate their contact.

Hmmm, it depends. I don't want to be in a competition with my MiL but it sometimes seems she tries to start one with me. Which has led DH to 'choose' me even though it wasn't a choice he wanted to make, or one I wanted him to make. It's awkward.

I don't consider myself to be in competition with my mil. We have different roles. My dh isn't great at communicating with his mum though and I am often the one to tell her of our plans. To her that comes across as I've made the plans (often the assumption is wrong) and so she thinks he is 'under the thumb'. The reality is very different but in in her relationship fil made all the decisions and she went along with them whereas dh and I are more 50:50.

Some women will always be like this. My mother saw my grandmother and Dads sisters as competition, even I was competition for my DF & DBs affections. When my DBs married their wife’s were absolutely competition, she even wore white to both their weddings. She even competes with my SIL on mothering her DD, my DB let’s her get away with it, the other dosnt let her get away with it with his wife.

I never had the issue with my Ex MIL, I was just someone completely insignificant as far as she was concerned, I just didn’t register on her radar.

im so glad I don’t have boys and won’t have to deal with this when my DDs are older