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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect them to give new house a chance

48 replies

Maggie178 · 26/12/2022 07:16

My parents decided to sell their home and buy a bungalow. My oh and I weren't looking to move but when they said they were going to put it up for sale I offered to buy their house, as I love it. They got it valued and I paid the market value. I said on many occasions it's fine if you change your mind. I asked if they were sure they wanted to take on a bungalow with so much work to do. I said they could live with us while the work gets done. They decided to move straight in. I organised the removal company and helped them move. They've moved in and my dad doesn't like it. He's not sleeping. I've said they can move back in and have their old bedroom. I've said we can look at extending the house. I've said we can talk about them buying the house back and I'll look for somewhere else. They've said no to all of these things. At this point I and my oh feel awful because we have a lovely home and they clearly hate theirs. AIBU to ask them to give it more time to see if they settle before they make any big decisions?

OP posts:

oviraptor21 · 26/12/2022 08:43

I don't see what the problem is.
You've offered them a whole load of solutions, each of which (thankfully) they have said no to. You just need to leave them to get on with it and put up with hearing them grumble out it forever probably (which is what has happened with my parents - 10 years on - still grumbling.

LimeCheesecake · 26/12/2022 08:44

as PP have said - why is this your problem to solve? Why are you acting like you have done something wrong in buying their house? If they had sold to a stranger and then found they didn’t like their new house, then they would have to do exactly as they are suggesting, so it up, sell on and move to something better for them.

Do you usually take on the role of family problem solver ?

Your parents have made a mistake - they have found a solution, stop trying to fix it! (You may find in the process of doing up the bungalow to sell on, they fall in love with it. The families on “love it for list it” often end up staying !)

LimeCheesecake · 26/12/2022 08:48

Oh and they might sell up and find a better fit for them - this could be the house version of a rebound relationship. Don’t try to convince them or fix it, smile and nod, agree doing it up would be good, see if they settle. If not, they might need to move again to be happy. If they are able to make these choices, they can find removal people etc themselves.

were you involved with helping them find this bungalow? You seem to be taking it very personally that it’s not been the right fit for them.

Beercrispsandnuts · 26/12/2022 08:51

I think you need to stop making this your responsibility. They are adults. They can do as they please. And if that’s do it up and move on then they can. Just listen to them and support them.

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 26/12/2022 09:02

How old are they?

MichelleScarn · 26/12/2022 09:05

RambamThankyouMam · 26/12/2022 08:29

I've said they can move back in and have their old bedroom. I've said we can look at extending the house.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

Absolutely! Is your oh on board with that? How likely is it it would become as if it was more you living with them?

JugglingJanuary · 26/12/2022 09:17

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 26/12/2022 08:15

Oh, and if he wants to do the work and sell it on I would be very clear that he would be buying himself another property to move into....not boomeranging back to a cosy little extension at your house!

@GeneticallyModifiedGrump

why?

if the op is happy to have her parents in a wee annexe, why is that a problem?

@Maggie178 why do you you want to stop your dad improving the bungalow & moving again? As long as he looks at what people are doing to bungalows & improves it online with what people want, not what he thinks they'd want, why not?

but for everyone that has that done to it, there's one less property affordable (& possibly less desirable/easy) for an older person to buy.

He may not be sleeping so well with being on the ground level.

there's something about 'going up to bed' & not so much yet, but in the summer being able to have all your upstairs windows open in the night.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 26/12/2022 09:29

FirstnameSuesecondnamePerb · 26/12/2022 09:02

How old are they?

I was wondering this. Do they feel that they have moved into an 'old person's home' too young. I could see this might particularly be an issue with it needing to be modernised. I would support him in getting it modernised but with an eye to the resale value. Then see how they feel once they have done that. They may grow to love it, especially when they have a few more memories there.

TeaAndStrumpets · 26/12/2022 09:37

All good comments above.

I can understand feeling unsettled in a new bedroom. Is there anything about their old bedroom he misses apart from it having been upstairs? Maybe he is used to morning sunlight if east facing, or his bed is in a different orientation?

I would imagine the sleeplessness is stress related, though, and once he has a plan of action he will relax.

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 09:39

Stop with the offers.

Your poor OH.

Step away and let them get on with it.

They are adults.

Let them get on with settling in.

These things take time.

You are far too involved IMO.

thelobsterquadrille · 26/12/2022 09:44

Stop offering them solutions - they're grown adults. They chose to move and now they need to deal with the consequences - both positive and negative.

I know that sounds harsh but you can't solve this for them so stop trying.

sonjadog · 26/12/2022 10:06

Stop trying to fix this for them and let them find the solution themselves. They are presumably capable adults.

HideousKinky · 26/12/2022 10:12

How old are your parents OP?

Salome61 · 26/12/2022 10:16

Sorry to read your parents are unsettled OP, but it will pass.

When I was widowed aged 59 I had to sell my 5 bed house and moved here at the age of 62, to a 3 bed bungalow. It is a huge adjustment to make mentally - old people live in bungalows! I do feel like I'm in a caravan. But the bills and council tax are a lot lower, neighbours are nice, and my kids don't worry I'll fall downstairs. It should hold it's price when I pop my clogs as bungalows are in demand. I'm making an effort to like it. Mine faces east at the front, west at the back - no windows in the south/north, I had trouble sleeping at first too. See if your Dad is happier in another bedroom there, I've moved from the back bedroom to the front recently and sleep better.

Colourinsidethelines · 26/12/2022 10:40

My mum and dad have recently done this. Bought a bungalow and hated it. They put up with it for two years and have sold it again. There’s nothing you can do about it, it’s your house now and just leave them to it!

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2022 11:04

Stop offering back YOUR house. You bought it fair and square. Having them move back in won’t work. Let them sell on the bungalow and find somewhere they like.

purpledalmation · 26/12/2022 11:13

Help and encourage them to do the work on the new home and make it homely. They may get to like it. If not help them to buy again.

WunWun · 26/12/2022 11:17

What's the problem with them just doing what they want? Why do you have to be involved in it or ask them to give the bungalow a chance? What's in that for you?

ScrabbleRabbler · 26/12/2022 11:20

Doing the work on the bungalow will make it feel like their own in time. Bungalows are great in many different ways, easy to do up, economic to run, in a sizeable plot, good sized windows and solid roof often. It would be a step backwards to move back into their old house. They need to remember all the reasons behind moving leaving their old property.

Wakk · 26/12/2022 11:22

You're nicer than me. I'd be saying oh I'm sure it'll grow on you and leaving it at that.

ScrabbleRabbler · 26/12/2022 11:23

What is it they are struggling with exactly? It is a big change yes and needs work to make it homely.

Also why would they want to return to living in their old house? Yes it’s familiar but there will be lots of reasons not to live there

GeneticallyModifiedGrump · 26/12/2022 11:32

@JugglingJanuary because I have seen first hand what happens when adult children have their parents come to live with them. Especially as in this case when it was the parents house to start with!
I've seen married couples with children unable to decorate their own property in a style they like because their parents didn't like it!
Ownership may have legally changed but the mentality of the home still being the parents property never did.
So, if it was me in this situation my parents absolutely would not be welcome back to live with me.

Notcreative · 26/12/2022 13:44

Could they look at having a loft conversion to give a bedroom upstairs if they hate sleeping downstairs and have any spare money from the house sale? Obviously if they need to sleep downstairs for mobility reasons in the future they'd still have that option, but that could solve the problem now. When I was little we had some elderly neighbours who were in a bungalow which I remember visiting and worked well for them. It's recently been on the market and I had to have a nosey look online and it now has a beautiful room upstairs.

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