To ask what you would do differently next year?

[PennyPearl]

Hi all,

I have a 23 month old DS and currently he has been diagnosed with a global developmental delay but if he hasn't improved in 6 months then he'll have an ASD assessment so we don't actually know officially what's going on (my mums recently been diagnosed with ASD and I know it can be genetic but I also know he's very young so it could just be he's delayed so I'm not sure what to expect either).

Today has been a nightmare, he had a melt down about his presents he didn't like the wrapping paper - once I opened them for him though he loved the toys and was as happy as Larry but didn't seem to catch on that there was more toys in the wrapping paper and everytime I picked one up he screamed.

Christmas dinner, nope he just threw it all over the floor, wouldn't try any of it not even the sweets or dessert - he actually just ended up having a bag of those cookie things and some toast.

He just seemed really overwhelmed all day no matter what I tried to do.

Would you change anything next year or would you see what happens this year before making any decisions.

Sorry if it seems like a pointless question but I just feel really deflated after today.

I’ll probably be absolutely torn apart for this view but I have concluded Christmas isn’t really good for children.

Way back when, when children had very little, perhaps it was different. But even in the 80s it was very, very commercial and I remember waking up one morning in mid December when I was maybe six and had dreamed it was Christmas Day and when it wasn’t the disappointment was so overwhelming I screamed at my mum and I really wasn’t a screamy child.

We hype the poor things up for weeks on end with dinners and Santa visits and lights and anticipation. We mess up their routines and bedtimes. We give them toys upon toys upon toys, stuff them full of sugar and rich food, and get upset/angry when instead of their faces lighting up with joy they become stroppy, tired, frustrated and overwhelmed. And all this at a time of year when they can’t get out much, the longest term ever (our schools broke up Thursday; fucking ridiculous) with every cough, cold, virus and temperature out there having a great party. It’s a recipe for disaster.

I really wish I could have opted out until DS is an age to understand, or at least to just give him one small present. His birthday is the week before Christmas too so I’ve had double the madness.

Gosh sorry @PennyPearl I didn’t even answer your question, had a maudlin rant! What I was going to say was that I think you should not feel bad about saying that something doesn’t work for your family. I wish I had, to be honest. DS has no additional needs I know of but is a very poor eater and I was inwardly screaming as my ILs insisted on pulling fucking CRACKERS at the dinner table today as I’m trying to get DS to eat - just WHY do you need to do that? And they are normally lovely. It’s like everyone loses common sense when it’s Christmas.

That actually makes perfect sense and I hadn't thought of it but you're right, especially with social media you sort of get an expectation in your head of how things will be but really it was completely different for him and toddlers thrive on routine (ASD or not).

I think next year when he's nearly three and the baby's one I'll try and keep it as normal as possible to not overwhelm them and save the Christmas Fad for when they're older.

Thank you

Ah bless you. Christmas day is especially frustrating because there are so many expectations of us all having a wonderful, happy day with our little rosy cheeked cherubs, who look delightful after each present is opened.

The reality for me is usually a mixture of laughter, joy, followed by kids not listening, slammed doors, not getting off ipads, refusing to leave the house (by this stage that's me) and me having to fake smile to the neighbours whilst I cry in the car on the way to my mum's house.

Queue wiping tears dry and onto my next fake smile. The house is usually left a complete state with wrapping paper all over the floor and the realisation dawning on me that my house is far too small to accommodate all the stupid unpractical overzealous presents I've bought.

In my family there is usually the one martyr who moans no one is helping enough even though said person doesn't ever want to sit down when complaining they are tired. When they do finally sit down they find a reason to get-up and make tea that no one asked for only to moan no one is helping.

Kids are flying off the walls and the eyes at the back of My head don't dart about enough to catch them soon enough. Queue some sore knees, a bit of crying etc etc.

There will be not enough food in mouths and too much on the table when it comes to kids. My DF will complain about something and then my parents will argue in front of my children and it will be quite over the top- only to be forgotten a few minutes later.

Adults will drink too much, eat too much, talk too loudly, laugh too loudly.

By the time I've finally relaxed into the day, the kids are overtired, crying and screaming and saying they dont want to ever go home.

It will take 2 hours to drag them home and finally get them in bed.

What will I change? Bloody nothing. 😆

He’s still very young to understand what Christmas is about, even for a neurotypical kid. Christmas can be difficult at any age for autistic kids because it disrupts routines. He probably doesn’t understand what presents are or why they’re wrapped, and might not like the noise of the wrapping paper. Visiting and having visitors can be overwhelming. Christmas dinner is likely new foods to him and even though a lot of kids love it, many autistic kids struggle too much with eating different foods that they’re not used to. The expectations around Christmas being magical can be so so hard for parents of autistic kids who won’t necessarily experience it that way, and parents can feel like they’re failing. It is very difficult, but adjusting expectations can help a lot.

Our household is 3 auties (me, DH and our DNiece (14) who has lived with us since she was 4. Christmas is always kept very low demand. When DN was younger we always had safe foods around that we knew she’d eat, or took them with us when visiting others. We don’t do visits or visitors on Christmas Day. Surprises aren’t always appreciated by autistic people, so we make sure to stick to a list for DN and we put presents in nice bags rather than wrapping paper. Presents can be opened in phases as well as it can get overwhelming. When DN was younger we kept routines as much as possible and we talked about what to expect on Christmas before the event, did social stories etc. But your wee lad is young to comprehend that yet - all he knows is all his familiar things have been disrupted bless him. And you trying so hard and it just not working, I feel for you too. The only thing I can say is, adjust expectations, then adjust them some more!

If I could change one thing it would be everyone being poorly, myself and my two older kids have been unwell with flu. Today DS age 9 who has ASD came down with it and is now in my bed with a high fever.

I have found trying to keep some sort of routine for Christmas that DS is used to helps. He also has a birthday close to Christmas that we keep the same formula for each year. Keep it small, same people as much as possible, at home, food that he likes, open presents in stages to avoid overwhelm. We normally do stockings in the morning, some presents after breakfast, some after lunch. Also we encourage him to have time in his room/our bedroom if he needs to be away from all the activity. We still had meltdowns today, but I think that was due to him being up very early and becoming unwell. Normally he manages ok so long as we stick to a routine and talk to him over the week beforehand about what will be happening if there are going to be any significant changes.

Choose a different hotel as I am on an Ayurveda holiday. The treatments are excellent but the hotel itself is very basic. Wifi dodgy, pool too shallow for most of its length, but looks stunning in the photos. You can swim in the sea - not a given here by any means, but there is virtually no beach. Very poor hotel communication, too & zero added extras.
I would also try to persuade OH to accompany me, but fat chance as he doesn't want to visit this country. For those of you, who have been here for a while, he would be much more interested in Maui 😉

I think you may be on the wrong thread...?

I thinks it’s important to always think of it form the child’s point of view, rather than what we feel as adults we should do/give/have. If you have a child who will only eat certain foods, give them those, if they hate wrapping paper don’t use it (not a dig as you weren’t to know at the time), if they have a routine that’s important and changing it will cause confusion then stick to it. Sometimes as adults/parents we do all these ‘christmas things’ feeling that’s what we should provide for our children and actually some cannot cope with it. If your child has ASD then adapting things for them is essential in order to survive and you shouldn’t feel bad about that x

It's crazy isn't it? I would next year....
Just give him a few unwrapped toys, let him have cookies or whatever he wants for lunch. Have a nice walk, watch his fav films or whatever activity he wants.

Tbh it sounds like the toys and cookies were a big hit.

Dd (14)has been more hard work than normal because apparently I can't tell her off or ill ruin christmas!

My DS is 9 and has asd. He was so anxious about santa on christmas eve that he couldnt sleep for hours and made himself sick. He knew he was getting presents because the elf told him he was so we had already tried to take away the piece we thought he was worried about.

DC open their presents at the same time and DS seemed lost yesterday morning. He did lasy year too if I'm honest. He receives his big gift, opens it and seems shocked or emotionless. It only seems to sink in later when we sit together and talk about it.

So lots of pieces I would change for next year.

All went well with DS3 and he even napped without resisting it. He didnt even eat christmas dinner but I knew he wouldnt and had a different dish ready for him.

I think I would keep as much the same as normal as I could. I wouldn't worry about having a "Christmas dinner" I'd give him a safe food for lunch, one year DD had pasta and cheese for Christmas lunch as that's basically all she would eat that year.

I wouldn't wrap presents, I would pop them in gift bags so he can see inside to the gift. I wouldn't buy many gifts, and would let him open ones from family and friends as we saw them through December so the presents on Christmas Day aren't too over whelming. On my DD's first birthday she cried about the gifts, there were too many, the first one or two were fine, from then in it was awful so we gave her a gift or two over the next few days.

I hope you have a restful Boxing Day

Another one with an asd child. Mines 8 so we've learnt through trial and error but as pp have said don't make a big deal of it. I use wrapping bags not paper, he only has to stay for the unwrapping as long as he wants. We got to open three of his 8 or so gifts this year then he said 'it's all too much now" and went off to another room with his ipad. He can eat whatever he wants in the day and it's his decision whether he joins us for the main dinner or not. He did this year for about 15 mins which I took as a sucess. He didn't want to pull a cracker so he didn't.

Previously I caused a lot of stress by trying to make him open his presents or sit down for the meal when it was time. Now I just let him join us when he likes and he's so much calmer.

I love Christmas, it has and always will be my most favourite time. I have so many lovely memories and it's full of nostalgia, I just love it!
That being said, my eldest who is 5 had a MAymeltdown yesterday which went on for a couple hours. He was amazing opening his gofts. It as soon as he was done it was like a light switch. He recovered from it and we had a great day but I honestly think the build up to it and then the realisation the present bit was over was far too much.
My youngest who so two has a speach and communication delay. He hasn't really understood xmas but the lack of routine and having lots of food treats etc has not done him any favours. The tantrums have been really intense these week or so.
I think next year I will of course do my best to make Xmas special, but I think that I will try and rein it in abit as far as the Christmas days out and chocolate etc.

This is very well said actually.

I think Hollywood films have created an idea of what a good Christmas is - piles under the tree, overload from the begining of November, and HUGE expectation of WOW. Many years ago we dumbed it right down with gifts, events, and decor.

It is now a very simple but really enjoyable break where we focus on being together, eating nice meals and going for walks.

I am so glad of it.

I think you might need to tailor your Christmas into something a bit less overwhelming. Just a few gifts - or spread them out over a few days if you want to give him more. Maybe see how he is on his birthday and if wrapping is still an issue, don't wrap the presents for Christmas, or put them in bags instead or something. Could you have Christmas dinner after he's gone to bed so he can stick to usual routine?

My dd's (9 and 5) have struggled this year. Our schools broke up early and, in a large-ish extended family with only 4 children, (all under 10) absolutely everybody wanted a piece of them. It's been none stop all week with Santa visits, parties, people in our house. My sister finally cracked last year and too my niece and nephew away on holiday over Christmas and I'm so envious. If we were to do the same it would leave some relatives with absolutely nobody to visit them over the holidays, so feel a bit trapped now! My two (and DH and I) were absolutely exhausted by the time the presents were opened yesterday and this just caused meltdowns and arguments galore. We are out again today. I need to find a better way of managing other peoples expectations next year without causing rows (well actually, not rows- we are a very passive aggressive family, so would only be the odd sarcastic comment thrown at me, but with my name being absolute mud in private conversations behind my back 🙄)

But, what so really want to say to help you, is that I'm noticing increasing levels of people doing things their own way. Christmas has become bigger than most people can deal with- for our own sanity (and to be cycle breakers for our own children) we must start thinking differently about what it all means xx

t.co/IA8VoVBvCZ

The link above from the ADHD Foundation has some really good Christmas tips for neurodiverse children. What your son experienced yesterday was sensory overload however its not too late to rescue Christmas. Read through the tips & see what you can implement & they can be adapted for big occasions like birthdays etc.

Christmas support podcast www.witherslackgroup.co.uk/resources/sensational-podcast-christmas-support/

My son turned 4 in Sept and this is the first that I would say was good. Even with that there were meltdowns but short lived. Prior Christmas's have been awful, and we stay at home for Christmas so there's no travelling, no guests.

I actually think I posted here on Christmas Day when he was 2 as I was so upset at how badly he'd behaved the whole day.

I'm sorry your day was hard. Don't believe social media, Christmas is hard and that's before any additional challenges.

Both of mine have ASD. Christmas has become really low key, we got it very wrong last year so this year it was basically the same as any other day. There is a tree and we put presents under it but there is no pressure to open them at all (they took all morning to open all the presents and there really weren't that many). We don't do a big dinner because they both have issues with food so it's more of a buffet. We don't do santa visits or any of the pre christmas hype.

Your son is younger than mine are. It gets easier as you start to learn how much they can cope with. All I would say is try not to take it to heart, everyone wants a perfect Christmas but what that looks like isn't the same. Our perfect Christmas is just no meltdowns and not too many tears! But anyone looking in on it would probably think it was rubbish! We have a few non negotiable things which we are willing to put up with a meltdown about because they are important to other family members but other than those the kids can pretty much do what they want.

I completely agree with @Getinajollymood. My DD is. 2.5 and has been awful the last few days. Screaming, rude, tantrums every 2 mins, off her food but constantly asking for chocolate and crying when she doesn't get it. Yesterday was particularly bad and I had to have a little cry myself at one point. She's NT. it's all very overwhelming and overstimulating for them. You basically have to keep it as low key as possible for them which is hard when everyone around you wants to talk to them about Santa, give them presents and chocolate etc.

Next year I'm just going to enjoy everything in the moment and not look forward to the day itself too much. Yesterday was nice enough but I ended up in tears in the evening as my DD2 was rude to me (nothing new there) and DD1 kept muttering under her breath as OH was breathing too loud apparently. So in our house it's exactly the same as any other day but with presents and luckily lots of booze!

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