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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Patience with domineering relative

11 replies

Reilop · 25/12/2022 22:25

Have a relative who is generally well meaning and not a bad person but is also quite outspoken and domineering at times.

We don't see them often but when they do visit our home more recently its been for a couple of weeks at a time as they live abroad.

When they are here they do offer to help with things but also offer lots of unwanted opinions and suggestions on how we do things at home: what we buy, what we cook, how we organise things. Even things like playing a board game at Xmas become tedious as they appoint themselves chief rule enforcer and take it all very seriously.

This recent visit has worn my patience very thin. I don't want to be an ungracious host and I'm generally quite accommodating and relaxed but I've become increasingly irritated by my decisions being questioned about how to cook or what to buy in the supermarket and having someone try to organise my day in my own home. I have tried to shut down these unwarranted opinions but I think it's their character and they are used to being this way. There's also no malice in it or anything like that, they are just used to being able to express themselves in a different way (different culture and language involved)

They may want to come back to visit in the summer. AIBU to put in some more boundaries? Eg max stay 7 days? I don't mind hosting and seeing them but after a certain point it's not as enjoyable as these issues start to amplify. I feel bad for even thinking about this as I want to be welcoming but these past few days I've felt very prickly with them and like I'm waiting for the next uncalled for comment. I don't want to be so defensive and affected by this

OP posts:
Olinguita · 25/12/2022 22:34

Sounds like my MIL. You have my sympathies. You are not a bad person for finding this hard. This is very difficult and low-key controlling behaviour. 1 week visit tops next time. That is a healthy boundary to set.

Cherrysoup · 25/12/2022 22:35

7 days is way too long. Can you reduce to 3 or 4? I can’t tolerate guests longer than a couple of nights. Do they invite themselves?

Reilop · 25/12/2022 22:51

Cherrysoup · 25/12/2022 22:35

7 days is way too long. Can you reduce to 3 or 4? I can’t tolerate guests longer than a couple of nights. Do they invite themselves?

We invite them but more recently they've been setting time frame on the basis of cheapest flight prices

OP posts:
BoxOfCats · 25/12/2022 23:42

You should absolutely put in some boundaries. If they say they're staying 7 days, just say "Sorry that doesn't work for us, but you're welcome to stay for X nights". Or better yet don't have them stay at all! And honestly if they try to boss you around I would make a joke of it and laugh off their suggestion. "Luckily everyone in this world is different, so we do things another way!"

Reilop · 26/12/2022 08:35

Yes maybe I need to make light of it more so I don't get so wound up. It's just infuriating to be told how to do things like a child

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 26/12/2022 08:43

Just be honest with them, if you let it build up you may end up getting so angry that you say things you would rather not.

Iwritethissittinginthekitchensink · 26/12/2022 08:46

Why don’t you tell them? Be gentle about it and spell it out for them - ‘I’m finding it difficult when you say things like xxx. I know you might mean well but could you stop xxx’

MattieandmummyandIs · 26/12/2022 08:50

Ah yes, this is my MIL to a tee. It's very trying so you have my sympathies. I've found just gritting my teeth and just doing it all how I was going to do it anyway when they are not looking or around is the best way. Their character is unlikely to change even with a discussion as to how their input is not appreciated.

Even the most loved house guests are annoying given enough. Setting a time limit on length of stay sounds the most sensible to me and a little white lie as to why they can't stay longer won't hurt anyone.

Purplechicken207 · 26/12/2022 09:03

Even the nicest person staying here gets on my nerves after 1, maybe 2 nights. We all like our space and being able to do what we want in the comfort of our own home. Personally I'd just stop having them but I realise I'm probably in the minority. At least say it can only be 5 days or so? And when the opinions start, say you realise they mean well but it feels like you're being treated like a child in your own home

Spendonsend · 26/12/2022 09:08

Are there any Airbnbs near you?

Our abroad relative gets picked up from the airport, stays a few nights then gets delivered to an airbnb within walking distance. Then they come back for the last night or two and get a lift to the airport. Otherwise we would probably murder them in their sleep.

PuppyMonkey · 26/12/2022 09:20

I think just make a lighthearted comment back every time s/he says something. “Thanks for your input, Mrs Know it All,” with a big grin. Every time. It might sink in after the 12th or 13th incident.Grin

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