Acceptable to opt out of seeing certain relatives at Christmas?

[PocketRainbow]

Said relative has caused me grief for the past year (and throughout most my life) and has many narc traits, which most people including my sibling is more forgiving of than me. I have made excuse after excuse for this person and it has ground down my self esteem slowly. They are very clever socially and pretend to care when others are around but this is a facade and underneath that they’re manipulative.

I don’t want to see them but it will be melodramatics if I don’t. I have IBS brought on by anxiety and stress, and have already been worked up and unwell for days worrying about having a toolkit of come backs if needed or excuses I can use for a swift exit.

YABU - it’s Christmas and life’s short, let bygones be bygones and appease the rest of the family (For the sake of the special occasion and memories you can surely put up with it for one day regardless of how worked up you feel)

YANBU - the calendar date makes no odds, everyone deserves a Christmas they feel comfortable within even if that means spending some of the day alone by ‘opting out’!

You can opt out of seeing ALL relatives if you like - entirely your choice.

The long term solution is to develop better coping strategies so that you can do a small amount of polite contact without stomach ache.

The medium term solution is to treat the ibs- I find a stiff drink nips it in the bud.

In the short term, do whichever's least stressful.

Don't go. I've visited family today that has caused a huge rift between grandmother/daughter/niece and I've come out feeling so anxious. I only visited for the children but I now don't want to bother again next year. Don't put yourself through it and say you're not well enough to visit.

Life's short OP

Should you even be leaving the house with that nasty case of covid/flu you have?🤒🤮🤧

We tend to get ours out the way a little before Christmas so we can just see our immediate family from Christmas eve to boxing day and not have to take any of their shit.

YANBU. You are allowed to have your own boundaries. Be happy and don't spend time with anyone who doesn't add something positive to your life.

We all have the freedom to decide. You have to be strong enough to let the dramatics go over your head.

I personally refuse to spend Christmas with anyone that makes me feel bad.

Life's too short!

I'm not taking part in my family get together this year.

The inevitable interrogation & judgement from my superior sisters gives me anxiety & dread for weeks beforehand. My grown up children want no part of it either.

My parents are both dead. When they were alive we used to attend for their sakes (and because we wanted to see them).

Thanks all

I’m being continually told I must at least pop my face in. I don’t know why I feel such pressure as an adult! I don’t want it to be one of those things I regret. It is my sister too, FYI @HollyFern1110 She’s expecting and when I don’t do exactly what she wants me to do this festive week she will simply reply that there is an awful lot at stake… parents buy into this so I feel very trapped. DH working too which would mean I’d need to go on my own, which wouldn’t be a problem - if I felt comfortable around her to start with! Merry Chrimbo everyone.

God, no, don't go anywhere near her!

You need to look after yourself. The older I get the more I'm
Holding back from doing things I don't want to do/people I don't want to see.

Just don't go! You need to have a bit of self respect here.

Doesn't matter if you tell a fib and say you're feeling poorly. Doesn't matter if she throws a dramatic fit. Doesn't matter if everyone else pitches in.

Started standing up for yourself. Have you had any counselling about how to reduce stress/anxiety levels?

Stay at home with lots of nice grub and the telly. And switch your phone OFF.

Life is way too short to spend time with people you don’t want to, just don’t do it, it’s your life.

Treat them as you would a turkey...stuff 'em!

If it's making you ill - which it is - then why do you do it?

Stay home and mute your phone/messages.

@GreenFingersWouldBeHandy exactly what I plan on doing! Just breaks my heart to think of DM upset, which she is.

Life's too short to spend time with people who make things difficult or uncomfortable for you.

I cut one of my aunties out during this year, which is the first time I've ever needed to do that with a family member. She was just so stressful to be around, not to mention rude, and I figured I just didn't need that in my life.