Splitting housework with partner

[Yumchips]

Me and my partner Struggle with team work around the house. Partner is clean and tidy however I am undergoing an ADHD assessment and am definitely not naturally clean and tidy. I am good at starting tasks but not finishing. For example, I might do binge Laundry washing but then leave it in the basket for ages. I am trying to get better at tidying up the kitchen as I go. I feel frustrated because I am ebf and having so many sleepless nights (waking up every hour to 1.5 hours). I do all night wakings exclusively. Partner works mon-weds out of the home, 7.30am to 7.30pm. Understandably he tired after a long commute.
We have a 4 year old and a 6 month old. I am tired and want help around the house. He is saying that he cannot help because we do not have set routines - something like every Monday we do X, Tuesday we do Y and so forth. My argument is that he WFH Thursday and Friday, is home over the weekends. It's not hard to ask what needs doing. Or you just look at the wash basket and put a load on etc. Or tidy up the toys on the floor. Why does everything need to be a regimented routine? It's a big suffocating for me to have to do a routine. Am I making a big deal? I am resentful because I am always the one doing things on my own. How do you guys split up duties? Suppose I should give it a go and see if he actually pitches in on his days at home or not. Any thoughts? Thanks

He's talking out his arse. If he wants to have a specific routine there's nothing stopping him cleaning the bathroom every Friday for example. He's just being a lazy shite.

Funnily enough my husband says the same about routines. I’m not stopping him having a routine.

He's being a bit of a dick, but it may be worth looking up the organised mum method. You can download free printable lists of when jobs need doing that you could give to him.

He's talking rubbish. My DH has executive disfunction so he starts jobs but doesn't finish them, which does drive me mad but funnily enough doesn't stop me from actually doing the housework

What I do is split the jobs with my DH to play to his strengths. He's a good (if slightly erratic) cook so he does the majority of the meal planning, cooking and shopping which is a massive load off me and then I do rhe washing, tidying and most of the cleaning plus a lot more of the paperwork/organisation side of things.

So if he wants to do certain jobs on certain days your partner can do that, it's not up to you to come up with a routine for Jim, he's a grown up now he can manage that himself if he bothers

Thank you, i have had similar thoughts myself....

Ask him to establish the routines. Tell him as you may have adhd it would help. Get him to write them down. Then you both have a record of what your new routines are.

Routines really do help but they take up to 40 consecutive gos to become a routine. Which is horribly hard for adhd.

I use a timer (Alexa) when I start a task. She reminds me to finish the task. By this time I'm two or three uncompleted tasks along possibly on my fourth uncompleted task.....

Alexa is my saviour with mundane house work tasks.

I really feel for you on this.

I have a lovely Husband but the worst thing about him, is that he can not possibly do any housework unless there is some sort of input from me. This could include helping him hold something, bringing him something, leaving the last bit of a task for me to do (think doing the dishwasher/putting things away, but not wiping the kitchen sides) and this will be on top of having to direct him to the fact the work needs doing in the first place. It is incredibly annoying. As a result I used to find myself doing absolutely everything and I hated it.

Now I will get him doing one thing while I do something else during day to day tasks. And when we do big cleans I'll give him his list of jobs the day before, the list will be ordered in a way that it will help me get my tasks done too. I am also very clear that once my tasks are done, I won't be helping him, so he can procrastinate all he wants, but he'll be cleaning still while I relax.

I have also found making a couple of things solely his responsibility has really helped too. Because he knows it's on him, although he still needs prompting to do it, he tends to do it without too much procrastination/argument and does it independently too.

I still do more than him around the house, but I have found that knowing he is doing some of the work has made me a lot less resentful.

What’s stopping you from coming up with a routine together? If you’re looking for team work surely that’s the best place to start.

Is the 4 year old in childcare? Given his working hours it’s fair you get what you can done during the day. He’s doing 12 hours a day plus commuting 3 days a week, that’s a lot, and as you’ll always hear on here wfh is still working so while he might be able to throw a wash on at lunchtime on the other two days if you’ve got one 6 month old with you and the older one is in childcare you can probably get the bulk of key tasks done in that time.

I have ADHD and can't stick to a housework routine because ADHD is interest driven. A routine is like being in prison for me! Me and OH do have certain jobs that are "ours" though, so I know I don't have to worry about his jobs, I just have to focus on mine, how and when I get them done is up to me and I seem to manage quite well.

Some helpful responses, thank you.
Nothing is stopping us from putting a routine together - he's never sat down with me and explicitly said that it was he needed in order to feel engaged in housework. I think he does need everything spelt out. I am much more reactive by nature (or nurture) and I do housework as and when I can. I have never thought about needing the routine to be in place in order for him to pitch in on a consistent basis. And to the person who said WFH is still work, I completely agree. However, putting on a load of laundry when coming in to make a coffee etc doesn't feel so out of equation to me. I'm going to put together a routine with him and see how it goes.