Becoming less tolerant of MIL

[11112222]

MIL is here for Christmas. Announced she will be staying for 10 days.
MIL is very frustrating. Always has been. She is not nasty, just never listens, talks all the time, is very very disorganised, and well, a bit odd to be honest. She is a "helper" - wants to help with everything, but makes things worse.
DH knows all this, but is out at work most of the time - Christmas is really busy for him. So I am with MIL day and night. (DH in from work around 11:30pm).

I am finding myself becoming less tolerant this year.

AIBU to leave her by herself downstairs whilst I sneak upstairs for a couple of hours?
Any subtle comments I could make to the effect off "stop talking", "I've already told you that", "it's not your house", "no I was never on track to be a professional swimmer" (yes, she really thinks that's true because I told her once that I was in a swimming club when I was at primary school).

Sorry. Moan over.

It shouldn't be your job to entertain the wench. Your DH needs to step up, busy or not. It's Xmas Eve.

Dh is physically not here. He’ll be home later on and back at work Tuesday. For once he has Boxing Day off.

Why 10 days when your DH is working?
My DH would have struggled to tolerate my mum for more than a couple of days before taking a pickaxe to the patio.

When your DH gets back you can ask him to either take more time off work or to drive his mother home after Boxing Day or make sure she gets home on 27th. You're not entertaining her while he's at work.

She lives 200 miles away.

My in laws live 200 miles away and we have never stayed with them for 10 days or vice versa!

3 is plenty.

Well exactly. I meant DH can’t drive her home later on.
I honestly don’t think she’d manage a train by her self.

10 days is a long time - I'd be upstairs already with the Baileys.
What age is she ?

Mine is only coming for lunch tomorrow and I'm already at my wit's end. Mine is the opposite...never speaks. Even worse, I've lost a dear relative this week and so not only do I get to miss my lovely, kind, generous relative, I get to play Christmas servant to someone who wouldn't spit on me if I was on fire. And to top it all off, dh thinks I'm the unreasonable one.

She’s family, you don’t have to entertain her. Just do your own thing & let her do it too

10 days is far too long for anyone to visit. Tell her you need a lie down or a nap and then just disappear for an hour or two.

And unless your DH is Santa Claus, it's so unfair to leave you alone with her for that long. Remember this for next year...!!

I think if she did her own thing, it would be better. But she follows me around ‘helping ‘ me.
walk the dogs? “Oh I’ll come with you”.
mopped the floor “that’s an amazing mop”. “Fascinating to watch”.
she makes me the wrong tea/coffee (I’m decaf)
she took 3.5 hours last night (heaven) to make some sausage rolls with pre made pastry and shop bought sausage meat.
my parents sit in the lounge and read their books. And only stay 4 days max.
shes 74.

Lol! I’ve escaped upstairs for a bit of peace at the moment!

Do we have the same MIL? I'm shy and quiet but my MIL is just rude.

Why does she stay so long??? Can’t she come at another time when your husband is around more? No way would I put up with that. I’d go crazy

You need to get Covid and retire to your bed. Your husband either needs to take time off his work to entertain her or drive her home.

She sounds anxious to please, which I appreciate can be extremely grating. If you have come from a family where it’s not usual to be so chatty or to need much input, it must seem both odd and overpowering to be confronted with the opposite. If you look at it from her perspective, she might genuinely be wondering what on earth she is doing wrong when her ‘trying to be friendly and helpful’ just appears provoking. Far from realising you would like some peace, she seems to redouble her efforts to get you to react in the way she thinks is normal (for her family dynamics). Would she respond to you telling her that you really value all her efforts, but that your way of doing things is quietly and on your own. I used to know someone who assumed I was lonely and in need of ‘cheering up’ if they saw me reading a book. Argh!

That’s a good point to be honest. I think you’re right.
she is not perceptive enough to realise I am happy by myself, and used to being by myself.
I think I’d better go back downstairs soon…

my parents sit in the lounge and read their books. And only stay 4 days max.

So there are two of your parents but she is on her own. She is probably lonely. Would explain why she wants to stay for longer and interact more while she is with you.

Shame your DH can't make more time for her.

I would invent a friend who is having a massive crisis on Boxing Day meaning you have to spend at least half the day out if the house. Take yourself to the sales and out for lunch

Who said it was okay for her to stay 10 days? That is hard work, especially given your DH isn't around.

I'm not sure why you can't take yourself off for a bit of peace and quiet without all the bad mouthing though - it's not like she is actively malicious or, what did a pp say - a wench?

My MIL outstays her welcome too. She only lives an hour away but insists she doesn't like to drive at night so stays over. Never asks, just tells us she's staying and for how long and gets upset and doesn't talker for weeks of challenged.

One Christmas (our first with a baby), we were having all family at ours. I asked her to not sleep over as we were looking forward to having some rest when everyone left and baby was in bed. She said she didn't want to drive home so i arranged for her to get a lift with my family who she knows well. She got offended and didn't come for Christmas dinner.

Anyway, when she does come I try to get time for myself and I say 'I'm going to get a bath and wash my hair etc and go read upstairs instead.

Ten days?! That’s way to long, suggest a halfway compromise.

How are you getting on @11112222 ?

She sounds like my aunt who has ADHD. Not saying your MiL is neurodiverse but it does sound like she's annoying in a well meaning way which is just part of her personality. She also sounds like she's a bit desperate to please but doesn't have the faintest clue how to do it.

If she's naturally talkative you'll never stop her being that way (My Mil is the same - literally can't have a thought which isn't expressed out loud) you just have to shield yourself from getting too annoyed by it. If she wants to be helpful ask for help with a job that keeps her out of the way (even if you don't really need the help). She'll feel useful, you get a reprieve and you can be effusive about how well she's done it afterwards.

Get yourself out of the house alone as much as possible too. Ten days is a long time to put up with anyone and you need a break. Make sure when DH gets home from work he's on full time MiL duty. No long baths, or skulking off to his office. He sits with her all evening and actually engages her in conversation. You can kindly give them some time alone for mother-son bonding. Obviously spend some time with her - maybe a nice lunch out of the house on neutral territory but not so much that you're pulling your hair out.