Is this showing a lack of respect from DH? (gaming question)

[TinselTinselTinsel]

DH games quite a bit. He helps out too (is in charge of all food and cooking for xmas for example) - but he loves gaming and often sneaks of for a game when he can - even if is looking after the DC (who are 3 and 1). I just came downstairs to DC (1 ys old) left by himself in one room, while he games in the other.

ANYWAY - when I talk to DH when he games, he often can't concentrate - like just now I went to ask him what last minute things we need from the shop for tomorrow - and he just kept failing to answer or saying 'what' and then going back to the game. He kept saying 'one minute, one minute' and then getting absorbed by the game. So I just walked away

he says it's like him talking to me right when i'm in the middle of watching a film - like would i like it or be able to answer if he was asking me things during a fave film or if i was reading a book.

I see what he is saying - but i feel like i'm talking to a rude teenage boy - and also I don't watch films in the middle of the day. But the way he is ignoring me, then shouting at the screen, then saying 'one minute' etc - I'm not going to stand around waiting for the game to reach a point he can focus to answer a simple question like 'is there anything you need from the shop'?

Am I being an uptight arsehole?

I gave up The Sims and dh gave up his Xbox when our dc came along. The kids are now 8 and 11, and we have a very old xbox the kids and dh play on (I'll sometimes play Rayman), but it's tucked in a corner in a room we don't use often so it doesn't affect family life and is used maybe 2 hours a week max.

I won't return to The Sims til the kids are both well into their teens, as me and dh both agree we'd rather not game at all than have to try and balance gaming and parenting.

He and I both came to that decision ourselves, no requests from the other adult.

Your dhs gaming habits are absoloutley unacceptable. He either needs to change how and when he games, or just give it up til the kids are older.

JFC. I love taking myself (I have asd) but I would never, ever do what your dh did, some out in charge of a small child. He's lucky nothing happened, because it's neglectful.

When you have young kids you cant just leave them so you need to agree between you who is looking after them. Even now my husband and me will say 'I'm just popping for a shower / to the shops' so that the other will know they're the sole adult in charge (eg go and check if its suspiciously quiet for a while).

If he had said 'I'm just going to game for half an hour's and you were interrupting him every 5 min with questions then youd be unreasonable. But if he is supposed to be looking after a one year old and doesnt tell you that he is actually gaming then thats just dangerous. If he can't even answer a question then he can't be checking on a baby, that they aren't chewing a cable / choking on an older childs small toy / climbing up a book case or doing something not dangerous but really annoying like drawing on the walls.

So I dont think YABU, a grown adult shouldn't be 'sneaking off' to do anything when they're in charge of kids

You're both showing a lack of respect I think, him in prioritising his games over the children and you not allowing him to enjoy the games in peace by trying to engage him in conversation whilst he's playing.

The best compromise would be to agree a timetable where he can game without you interrupting him, say a couple of hours a day plus a bit longer at weekends. Make it clear that he shouldn't play outside of these times, but if he does you expect him to respond to you properly if you need to ask him something. That way he can do his serious gaming in peace and just do pick up and play stuff the rest of the time.

I was going to say this as well, if he can’t answer a question then he can’t be paying attention to the baby, can he!

My husband is a gamer and gets completely immersed in, hours can go by and he doesn’t notice and he can’t speak to me and game at the same time, no way he could watch a child at the same time

I don't mind the gaming, my husband does it too, but never while he's looking after the kids. I'd lose my shit at that one tbh. Never mind cutesy jokes about Christmas forgiveness, what about all the horrendous things that could befall a one year old while he's in a different room shooting teenagers on COD?

He’s addicted and he needs to recognise that. He left a one year old completely alone so that he could play a computer game in a different room? He is a shit, shit dad. I’m gonna assume the one year old was safe in a playpen or cot (which seems v unlikely) but looking after a baby doesn’t mean just keeping him alive, it means talking to him and smiling at him and actually doing some parenting. Your son is not a parcel to be dumped in the corner!!

You need to agree with your partner a time slot when he isn’t gaming eg he only games when DS is asleep, or only after 8pm. If he can’t do that, he needs to get help for addiction or fuck off and let you a partner who doesn’t act like a 12 yr old.

I would go mental if I had a partner like this.

It worries me that you’re questioning your own behaviour more than his!

It's showing a remarkable lack of care and responsibility for his child's safety and wellbeing, as well as respect for you.

No gaming when looking after young children. He needs a designated down time, after kids are in bed, when he games. You should get equal designated down time and not be cleaning or doing laundry in the evening while he plays